Page 83 of In For a Penny
“Glad to see your appetite is back.” He smiles.
My appetite hadn’t been the problem—it was what I wanted to doafterI ate that was the problem. The monster on my back that wanted to make a comeback.
But I’m good now, so I ignore his comment.
“So, is it your turn, then? To babysit me, I mean,” I ask as I unload the bags of food onto the kitchen counter.
“Not sure what you mean,” he replies, sounding nervous, removing his coat and setting it on the chair by the kitchen table. “I’m here because I happened to be in the area and thought I would stop and say hi.”
“Hmm.” I open the cupboard and reach for two plates begrudgingly. I had just wanted to pig out and eat my food in bed so I didn’t have to do any dishes later. “Is that a fact? You live all the way in Southwark, but you happened to find yourself in my part of town at this time of night?” I pull some forks and knives for us from the cutlery drawer. “You know, that excuse is getting old.” I put a hand on my hip and raise an eyebrow at him. “Jane used the same one today.”
She means well, though.
He scratches the back of his head and grimaces. “We’re that obvious, huh?”
“You think?” I sigh, exasperated. “I know you guys are making sure I’m okay, and I am truly incredibly thankful for it. It really means a lot. But it can be slightly suffocating sometimes. I mean, at least make up better excuses. Chloe came over the other night claiming she had left a baking dish here.A baking dish, Josh.” He laughs at my expression. “Chloe wouldn’t even be able to scramble some eggs, let alone bake a cake!” I shake my head. “Please tell me why I would have a baking dish of hers here.” I scoop some rice and chicken katsu onto each plate, covering them in curry sauce. “Just for that, I’m only going to let you have one duck gyoza.” I still have a pizza and cookies to eat.
Josh laughs and nods in agreement. “I deserve that.”
“At least you brought food. Some peoplejust come over and raid my fridge.”
“Oliver?” Josh asks with a smile, and I nod.
Oliver and I haven’t slept together since before Tom, for obvious reasons. Between my feelings for Josh and Oliver’s guilt, we just aren’t feeling it. I’ve assured him several times that it isn’t his fault that Tom is a dick, but it’s like he can’t let it go.
To be honest, I am actually a bit terrified of what my next sexual experience will look like after what had happened. I know that what happened wasn’t my fault, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that, and I realize that my next sexual partner is going to have to be very understanding. I know that the next man I choose to sleep with will have to be someone I trust, because I just don’t know what to expect.
I’ve researched a lot about post-rape sex from different discussion boards and articles, and what I’ve found has not been reassuring. Many women have trouble getting intimate. Some even wait years before getting back on the horse, so to speak. Others have issues orgasming or have lost their libidos altogether. Some women with severe PTSD even get panic attacks.
The next guy I sleep with has a lot cut out for him. Would he leave me if I freaked out? Or would he be understanding and patient?
There is no question about it: the next guy will definitely have to be the right guy. And although Oliver has always made me feel safe, he isn’t it.
“How’shedoing with all of this?” I ask Josh. Oliver and I haven’t been able to dive deep into the topic. I think neither of us want to.
He shrugs and pops a plum sauce-dipped gyoza in his mouth. “He feels bad, but you know that.” He picks up both of our plates and walks them to the table while I carry the cutlery and some napkins. “I think he told his friend group what happened, which, from what he’s told me, has caused some drama. But it is what it is. Tom deserves it.”
I don’t want to think about Tom anymore. I don’t want Oliver to bother with him either.
I sigh and pick at my chicken katsu curry. “It’s fine,” I say. “Let’s not talk about it and just have a chill night.”
Josh places his hand on mine, and I look up to meet his gaze. My stomach does the gut-punch thing again. “It’s not fine,” he says with a sympathetic smile, “but we can still have a chill night and not talk about it.” He holds my gaze for several seconds, and my breathing starts to speed. I catch his green eyes flickering to my lips, and I gulp, my heart in my throat.
“Penny—"
There’s a knock on my door.
He closes his eyes and hangs his head with a sigh.
“Uh, that’ll be my pizza,” I say, getting up unsteadily from my chair. I walk toward the door and try to calm my breathing.
I have no idea what that was back there…
Was he gonna kiss me?
The delivery guy shoots me a smile in recognition as soon as I open the door. “Hello again, Penny! Here’s your pizza. Same order as always!” He hands me the box of pizza and cookies and the bag with the 2-liter bottle of Coke.
I order Domino’s so often that the delivery guy knows my name and order?
