Page 84 of In For a Penny
So, this is what rock bottom feels like.
I make brief small talk with the guy—Amir—for another minute or so before he leaves to make another delivery. As he just made evident, we interact frequently, and I really don’t want to ruin what I have going with him now. I happen to like the fact that I get my orders right and in thirty minutes or less.
I walk back to the kitchen to find Josh staring absentmindedly out the window.
“Hey, can we move this to the couch? Pizza is meant to be eaten in front of the TV. Bring the Wagamama with you.”
He picks up our plates and walks them to the living room with me as we rearrange our food set up.
“This certainly is an interesting food combo,” he says with a chuckle.
Josh shoves a slice of pizza in his mouth as I check the time on my phone—six p.m. “It’s still pretty early. You down for a movie while we eat?” He nods, trying not to laugh at how full his mouth is.
“I’ll get my computer. I have a bunch of movies on there that we can play on the TV. How do you feel about aGodfathermarathon?” I come back from my room and hand my closed laptop to Josh.
He laughs as he takes the computer from my hands. “The Godfather? I took you for a chick-flick watcher in times of heartbreak.”
“Um, who said I’m heartbroken?”Ha, yeah, okay, Penny. You’re doing great. “Plus, in times like these, I feel like I need gory action, you know? I don’t want to think aboutmoreheartbreak when I’m already heartbroken.”
Josh seems affronted by my statement, but he smirks and says, “The Godfathertrilogy is full of heartbreak, what are you talking about? You’re crazy!” He laughs. “Fredo betraying Michael—his own brother! Connie getting the shit beat out of her every night by her husband, and Sonny’s death! And those are just to name a few of the tragedies that happen in the Corleone family! How can you say there’s no heartbreak there?”
“Um, Sonny was a hotheaded asshole who got himself killed.” Josh gasps at me. “And I didn’t say it didn’t have heartbreak, just not the heartbreak I’m talking about.” I smile.
He gapes at me in mock horror, not knowing what to say.
We burst out in laughter at the ridiculousness of this conversation, and we’re back. We’re back to that feeling in my stomach, which I can now recognize only happens when he looks at me in a way that makes me think he might feel even a little bit of what I’m feeling too.
His eyes are extra green today, like malachite. I could stare into them all night.
But no. This is neither the time, nor the place. I need my friend tonight, not a guy I like.
I try to bring myself out of this daze and point to my computer in his hands. “Can you do it?” I ask. “I’m so technologically challenged. I never figured out how to set it up so it can play on our TV, but Allie’s done it a bunch of times.”
He opens my laptop, and we both freeze at the words on my computer screen:
WITHDRAWAL FOR INTERNATIONAL POSTGRADUATE STUDENTS
I want to slam my palm to my forehead for being such an idiot. Neither of us moves for a minute, both staring at the screen. Josh quietly sets the laptop on the coffee table in front of us and says nothing.
“Um…” I reach over and minimize the window. “I’m just gonna open iTunes and… yeah, so just the first two movies, then? The third one obviously isn’t as great, and I was thinking—” I pause and look over at Josh. His elbows are on his knees, forehead resting on his hands. I sigh. “Don’t tell anyone, okay? I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.”
He doesn’t move. Instead, he takes a deep breath as if preparing himself for this conversation.
He’s so disappointed in me.
He hasn’t said anything yet, but I can already tell he’s not happy with me.
“Josh,” I say again, but he doesn’t look at me. “Josh.” I pull at his arm this time, making him look at me. “I’m just not learning anything here, you know? It’s a waste of money. You and I have discussed this. You even agreed with me the other day, remember? We talked about this. And I don’t even know if I want to keep working in politics or non-profits, so it’s kind of a waste, no?”
He scoffs. “Come on, Penny. You’re not leaving because of the program, and you know it.” He takes another deep breath and gets up from the couch, heading for the kitchen.
His coat is in the kitchen. He’s leaving. Fuck.
I follow him. “What’sthatsupposed to mean? I just told you why I’m leaving. It makes no sense for me to stay. It’s a waste of money!”
He laughs once, bitterly. “Yeah, okay. Whatever you say. But we both know you’re running away from what happened to you. And from what you’ve told me, it’s not the first time you’ve run away from shitty situations,” he says with venom laced in his voice. “It’s your M.O., apparently.”
It’s a low blow, and he knows it. His words feel like a slap across the face. They physically hurt.
