Page 106 of In For a Penny
“And I think we both know that I didn’t exactly live up to them.”
He spent all night with me. He barely even looked twice at her all throughout dinner until I told him to go sit with her after Oliver’s intervention and she had looked miserable for most of the night.
I don’t like her at all, but I know that is mostly out of jealousy. She doesn’t deserve to feel like crap. It isn’t her fault that she is dating the same guy I am falling for. She and I aren’t friends and never have been—it’s not the same situation as Claire.Sheis the wronged one here.
I should’ve known better.
“Oh,” I say simply.
“Yes.Oh.”
We’re quiet for a second. I think neither of us knows exactly what to say. I can feel him building up the confidence to finish what he came to talk about, and I don’t want him to stop, but mostly because I need him to finish so that he can leave.
“We got to your place, and it was like…like I couldn’t help myself. I saw you stressed and working so hard to make sure everyone was enjoying themselves and looking so fucking beautiful that it knocked the air out of me that I just couldn’t help myself. I was drawn to you, like I always am, and I wanted to help you, to be the person you could rely on.
“I expected you to kick me out of the kitchen after a few minutes, but I told myself I would help as much as you let me, which I figured wouldn’t be long. You usually freak out from our closeness, something I used to interpret as a negative reaction toward my feelings for you, like you were making sure to draw a line and tell me that you and I weren’t on the same page. So, I never expected you to let me stand by your side and work together like that for most of the night.”
He pauses.
“But here’s the thing I figured out tonight, Penny.” He takes a deep breath as my heart is going a million miles a minute. “You were so wrapped up in making everything perfect and so distracted by everyone that you forgot.” He takes a step closer to me, and I can smell his signature scent of shampoo and cologne. “You forgot to push me away and make me believe that you only care about me as a friend. You didn’t notice how you would touch my arm and shoot me a flirty appreciative look after I took something heavy from your hands and carried it for you. You didn’t notice how you jumped in my arms and hugged me when I carved the turkey for everyone. You didn’t notice all the smiles and laughs we exchanged. And you certainly didn’t notice how you never backed away frommysmiles,mytouches, or evenmyembraces.”
I flash back to my shared moments with Josh, and I guess we did flirt and touch a lot more than normal. I mean, it was obvious enough that Oliver had to intervene, but I guess not obvious enough to me.
Oh, God. What have I done?
He takes another step toward me, and I realize I should maybe back up, but my brain seems to be unable to communicate this action to my legs, because they remain unmoving.
“I know it was wrong of me to leave Eloise like that. I am perfectly aware that it was a dick move, but there was no way I was going to give those moments up. No fucking way.”
I say nothing, scared to even breathe.Deny ‘til you die, I try to remember. Don’t cave. It’s for his own good.
“And then,” he continues, “something happened.” He runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “I don’t know what or who made you realize what was happening, but you suddenly realized what you were doing.” He shakes his head. “Sorry,doingisn’t the right word—that implies intent or consciousness. But that’s the best way I can put it.”
I press my lips together, tightening my arms across my chest.
“You told me to walk away, to go back to my date, and I did. I took the win and walked back to my very unhappy date.” He half-smiles, staring at me with those gold-green eyes.
I start tapping my foot as he starts walking back and forth in front of my bed.
My bed.
I try to avoid eye contact with it and Josh, looking anywhere else. In doing so, my eye catches my black lace bra hanging on the back of my chair. My eyes widen, and I rush to it when Josh’s back is to me, stuffing it under my crossed arms.
“I don’t know if you noticed, but we left shortly after.”
I manage to shake my head. After I sent Josh away and back to Eloise, I did my very best to ignore them. I honestly didn’t realize that they were gone until I caved and started looking for him at around midnight. I was a bit devastated that he had left without saying goodbye. But I didn’t want to dwell, didn’t want to think about where they were or what they were doing.
“Elle and I grabbed an Uber and went back to her place. Did you know she lives in Chelsea?”
Ofcourseshe does.Of courseshe lives in one of the nicest neighborhoods in London. I bet her apartment is all white and modern, and perfectly organized, and she has a cleaning lady, and her fridge is full of organic produce, and she doesn’t even need a roommate, and drinks green juices and cleanses, and does yogalates.
The only yogalates I do is wear yoga pants while drinking lattes.
Ugh, stop, Penny. You’re being so catty.
I shake my head to rid myself of the petty thoughts running through my mind, but Josh takes it as an answer to his question.
“Yeah, she lives in Chelsea. So, we’re on our way to her place in the Uber, she’s snuggled up into my side, and I have my arm around her, and I’m thinking, ‘Shit, I’m the worst date ever,’ because everywhere we drive by reminds me of you. And then we pass the Manolo Blahnik store, and I smile because Iknowhow much you love those shoes, and I think about how crazy it is that me—a straight dude with absolutely no knowledge of fashion—knows this.
