Page 211 of Swords of Soul and Shadow
He looked up, his eyes red-rimmed and miserable. He took his wrists away only to reach out and pin her hands between his instead. “Don’t combine the Essences, Hals. Do what Saldr wants. Just stay with me, okay? Whatever happens, we’ll be together. I know it.”
She shook her head again. “You can’t know that. You can’t know anything about that.”
“I do,” he whispered. He released her to put a hand on his heart. “I feel it in here.”
“It doesn’t matter how badly I want to believe you. That’s not a risk I want to take. Too many things could go wrong—not just never finding you,” she said quietly.
What if resetting time only made it worse? What if she did it wrong?
“As if your way will work the way you want it to! Saldr said the prophecies or whatever were inconclusive. What if sacrificing yourself isn’t the solution, and without your power, everyone dies?”
Her cheeks flushed. When he put it like that, maybe she was being selfish and childish. Of course that could happen. But something told her that her way was the right choice. She couldn’t explain it. She couldn’t make Kase understand the bone-deep feeling she had that if she followed through with her plan, everything would be okay.
She just wouldn’t be a part of whatever future came after.
Her eyes burned. She looked anywhere but at him, tracing the gray veins on the rock ceiling above with her gaze to keep the tears at bay.
Her mother would have to mourn a second child, but she would learn what Hallie had: that while the puzzle would always be incomplete, there was beauty in the missing pieces. Kase would learn that too. He’d already begun to.
“I know it’s the right thing to do,” Hallie whispered. “I need to find the second Gate and restore the sword. All the Essence powers must return to the Gates. Otherwise, Jagamot will destroy the world.” She tied her fingers into a knot in her lap. “I don’t have a choice.”
She wanted to say more, but she didn’t know if she could find the words to express what she was really feeling—the depthof the emotions coursing through her, the urgency dogging her to keep moving toward her goal.
While she hated that it had taken Ben nearly dying for her power to resurface, its low heat still bubbled in her core alongside the bone-deep ache. She could feel it again, and she was afraid if she didn’t find the sword soon, it would disappear.
Kase sat back, fiddling with the ring on his little finger. Ana’s ring—a piece of his past he never let go of. Hallie unconsciously grabbed at her neckline for the pocket watch that no longer rested there and hadn’t for months now. If she’d had it, maybe she wouldn’t have nearly died saving Ben.
Kase had been amazing in the fight, as had Merlin. They’d taken down a dragon. That thought still seemed unbelievable. Say what you would about the Cerl technology, but the way the machine responded to Kase’s mere thoughts was a phenomenon, something Hallie wished she had more time to study. But even if she’d had all the time in the world, she couldn’t have asked him to keep using the hover more than necessary. That technology had led to his uncle’s death.
His father was right—it was too dangerous.
Slowly, Kase took Hallie’s hand again, loosely twining their fingers against the roughspun brown coverlet. He rubbed a thumb across her knuckles. “Hals…I…”
She chewed on the inside of her lip. She couldn’t interpret his hesitation. Was he finally coming around to her plan? Would he allow her to save him?
“I’ve been thinking about something for a while now, and when I couldn’t…uh, couldn’t wake you up after Skibs fell…” His voice cracked; he paused to compose himself. “I was terrified the Soul Tech had done something. Interacted badly with your power or some other awful thing.”
She could only imagine what he’d felt in that moment. She didn’t know what she would have done if the roles had been reversed.
He played with each of her fingers as if trying to figure out just what else he wanted to say. His stare went glassy, distant. Haunted.
She had seen him vulnerable before—specifically in the hours after Zeke’s death and then again in the dungeon, when he’d admitted to starting the Kyvena fire. But this…this was different. Vulnerable wasn’t the right word. It was as if she was getting a glimpse of his very soul, deep and dark and bright all at once.
“It was my fault.” She clung to his hand. “I lost control. Stop blaming yourself.”
“You wouldn’t have had to use your power if I’d been looking out for Skibs. I didn’t see him and that dragon until it was too late.”
“We wouldn’t have been in the hover if I hadn’t wanted to study it.”
“I convinced you to come.”
Hallie squeezed his hand softly. “If this is a contest of who’s most at fault, I’d say we both win.” She tried to smile, but he didn’t return it. They’d both made mistakes, but if they were to keep score, they would only devolve into a pile of messy memories and regret. They had to move forward.
“I would’ve been in here when you woke if the Stradat Lord Kapitan hadn’t come in and…well, you must’ve heard.” He rubbed a hand down his face. “I ran you straight to the hospital ward, and they got Saldr, and the face he made when he saw...” His voice broke again on the last few words. “Stars, I thought I’d lost you. I never want to feel that way again, Hallie.”
Her heart broke. While he might’ve been blaming himself, she was the one who chose to use her power. She was the one to lose control.
Yet, Ben would’ve died without her intervention. If he had, they would’ve lost the Essence power he possessed. Then Hallie would’ve been forced to reset the Gate and leave everything up to chance.
