Page 101 of Give My Everything
My head pops up, unsure if I heard him correctly. “What?”
“I said…you’re not on the outside. I know you think you are, know you believe nobody wants you around and we’re all plotting against you or hoping you fail or…any number of other horrible things. But, I just want you to know that’s not the case.”
I scoff and shake my head, wrapping my arms around myself when a chill ripples across my skin in the cool, damp air of a beachy evening.
“Thanks, Lucas, but you don’t know what you’re talking about. I’vealwaysbeen on the outside. Nobody wants to see me succeed or be happy. But they don’t have to worry.” I let out a humorless laugh, my voice dropping as I mumble to myself. “I’ll end up pregnant and alone, just like I deserve.”
Lucas takes another step forward, and I watch as he reaches out to place a hand on my shoulder, his thumb stroking my skin.
“You have to let that go, Remmy. Let it die. Let it be…the past. Whatever wrongs you think people are holding over your head? They’re not. I know they’re not, because I’ve talked to them about it. Everyone wants to move on and let go. Now it’s just on you to decide if you want to make your way back into the group or keep choosing to live your life on the ‘outside’.”
He lifts a shoulder as his hand drops away from me.
“Just that simple?” I say, laughing again and feeling tears welling this time. “It’s just that simple? Just make my way back?”
When I look at Lucas, I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut with how sincere he looks, with the compassion and concern and care in his eyes.
“Yeah. It’s just that simple.”
We stand there for a moment longer, both of us just staring at each other before my eyes drop to the ground again.
As much as I’d like to believe him, itisn’tthat simple. And it never will be.
I’ve seen and done things that will never be undone, that will never be forgiven—things I’m not even sure I want to forgive myself for.
So even if on the crazy off chance it is that simple for them, it isn’t for me. Just because they’re willing to welcome me back with open arms doesn’t mean I deserve it.
And that would be more than enough to keep me away.
“I’ll be honest though, Rem, sometimes I think you like it there, think you prefer it.”
I grit my jaw but keep my eyes on the ground.
“Or maybe you think…youdeserveit.”
My eyes close and I will myself to hold in the tears that are starting to build up inside me, that familiar tingle and pinch around my nose letting me know I only have a few more moments of keeping it together before I can’t hold on any longer.
“Maybe you don’t remember, but you’ve bared your secrets to me, Remmy. Iknowyou. I know who you are, and where you come from, and what you’ve been through.”
He drops down slightly and puts his face in my line of sight.
“And I also know what you’ve overcome, and how you’ve tried so hard to regain the control you felt was stolen from you.”
The first tear falls.
“One of the things I’ve always admired about you, from the time we were young and stupid, is that you’ve always been this strong, confident woman, no matter what bullshit came your way. Don’t forget that part of you. You might not be for everyone, Remmy, but that doesn’t mean you have to change who you are.”
Suddenly, I’m enveloped in a hug, an embrace so warm and comforting it makes me want to snuggle into Lucas and try again. I let out a long sigh.
“Thank you,” I whisper, squeezing him tight and then taking a step back, out of his arms.
As much as I appreciate his kind words and care, as much as a part of me does truly miss the goodness Lucas brought to my life, I know we don’t belong together. I know he belongs with Lennon, and I can’t allow my desperate desire to be seen overshadow what I truly want or need.
Which might actually…be Ben.
Ben who is thoughtful and caring and promises me I’ll never be alone.
Ben who has made my life so much better over the past few weeks.
