Page 119 of Be Your Anything
Ivy leads me into the living room and motions for me to take a seat on the couch then settles into the opposite corner.
She stares at me expectantly.
“Right. Well…I guess I’ll just jump in,” I say, watching her eyes focus on my mouth so she can read my lips. “First, I just want to apologize that we were withholding a secret from you. I personally didn’t feel comfortable being the one to say anything because I didn’t want to hurt your relationship with your dad.”
Ivy rolls her eyes, and I try not to laugh. She and Calvin Calloway haven’t had a great relationship recently, according to Wyatt. In fact, none of the Calloway kids have a good relationship with him. He’s a serious dick.
“I know things between the two of you aren’t perfect, but I guess I just didn’t want to cause anymoreproblems. Honestly, it didn’t feel like I had the right to be the person who gave you that information. You know?”
She watches me but doesn’t say anything, her eyes contemplative as she takes in my explanation.
“Anyway, I’ve been nervous about coming to talk to you, partially because I don’t know sign language and I don’t want you to think I’m an idiot.”
That gets me a little smile.
“But also because I’ve never been a big brother before. My relationship with Hannah is new, and I’m trying really hard to be agoodbrother. You’ve grown up with Wyatt and Ben, two brothers who love the shit out of… I mean, who love the crap out of you.”
She giggles.
“I guess I’m just scared I’m going to let you down, because I’ve been doing that to a lot of people recently. So, I’m sorry—for not coming to talk to you earlier, for not learning sign language before this, and for anything I do in the future that lets you down. But just know I’m excited to be your brother, if you want me to be.”
Ivy watches me for another brief moment before rising from her seat and coming to where I sit. She plops down next to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders, tugging me into an embrace.
I shove aside my surprise and hug her back, thankful for whatever is happening here.
“I want you to be my brother,” she says, her words a whisper in my ear.
I pull back and look at her, my eyes wide. I’ve never heard Ivy speak before. She’s always had someone else translate for her.
She rolls her eyes again. Such a little teenager. “I don’t normally verbalize,” she says, her words slightly slurred, the inflection familiar from other times I’ve heard deaf people speak on television or in movies. “It’s embarrassing. I know I sound weird.”
I shake my head, remembering what Ben told me about their mother. “Don’t be embarrassed. You sound awesome, and anyone who thinks otherwise is an asshole.”
Ivy laughs, the sound a balm on my soul I didn’t realize I needed.
“How about this,” I say, an idea formulating in my mind. “How about you teach me sign language, and I help you practice speaking out loud?”
She mulls it over, but then nods at me.
I can see genuine happiness on her face, and knowing what Ivy’s been going through recently, with her illness and everything, it feels good to know I’ve contributed to her smile in some way.
“Do you want to start now?” she asks.
I grin, unable to say no to the hopeful expression stretched across her face.
“Now sounds perfect.”
I think the problem with love today, with how people see relationships, is that we tend to make it all about ourselves.
There are a lot of ‘I’ statements involved, often disguised as something selfless.I want you to feel… I want to tell you… I care about you… I feel… I need… I desire…
And I think those are valid. How we feel and what we want—those are big factors in life, in finding happiness, in finding a love that will last a lifetime.
But if we focustoomuch on ourselves, are we actually really loving someone else? Or are weseekinglovefromsomeone else?
As I sit on my patio, sipping a whiskey and watching the sunset, I run through every potential option for how to convince Lennon of my feelings, of how much I love her, and I realize with startling clarity how every single thing I come up with centers on me.
How I feel about her.
