Page 118 of Be Your Anything
I grit my teeth, my temples beginning to sting as my eyes well with tears.
“I’ve made so many mistakes, Lenny. I know that—trust me. And I know an apology for how I’ve made you feel isn’t enough. I know there might not be anything I can do to make sure you truly understand how I feel about you, but I just wanted to make sure you knew everything, from the worst of it to the best. Because if there was ever going to be a chance for us, there couldn’t be any more secrets, nothing hidden away. I want you to know I’m sorry. I’msosorry, for everything I’ve put you through when I was too stupid and self-absorbed to realize it.”
Lucas stops talking and I let out a long, slow exhalation, feeling so incredibly overwhelmed that it’s stealing my breath.
I only allow myself a moment. Just one. An opportunity to feel every bit of love Lucas claims he has for me, to revel in the words he’s given me, to truly believe what’s he’s said.
Because it really is beautiful. Not all of the story—that’s an ugly mess—but for a man like Lucas, who has probably never had to apologize or make excuses for anything in his life, to come to me on bended knee and beg for my forgiveness? That doesn’t happen very often.
But I only allow the one moment.
Just one.
Then I pack all of it away, hide it back behind the mask I’ve carefully attempted to repair over the past week.
The truth is that Lucas’ actions have taught me something, and that’s the fact that I never want to be made to feel that vulnerable and worthless ever again.
And I don’t think there is anything he can say to me that will make me believe falling for someone will make a feeling like that worth it.
He must see something in my face, because he moves forward. He comes off his chair and kneels before me, placing his hands on my knees.
“Don’t shut me out, Len. Please,” he begs. His large hands squeeze my legs lightly, and it takes everything I have not to give him everything he wants from me. “Please.”
“I appreciate you taking the time to share everything with me,” I say, my chest aching, “and I think I might be able to forgive you at some point.” I rest my hand on his, allowing myself one final opportunity to feel his skin. “But that’s all I can manage right now, Lucas.”
His eyes search my face, digging and prodding, trying to get under the mask I’ve so painstakingly constructed. Eventually, his shoulders fall, and his head drops forward, resting against my shins.
For a long moment, we stay that way: our hands together, Lucas bowed before me.
Eventually he stands. I assume he’s going to leave, but he places his palms on either side of my face, looks me straight in the eyes.
“I asked you once what it would take for you to go on a date with me,” he says. “And you told me you’d believe it when you saw it, when you saw me actually prove to you that it was what I wanted.”
My heart pitches in my chest. He’s not supposed to do this. He’s supposed to give up, accept what I’ve said—not push me, not try to break through.
“I told you that you had no idea what was coming your way. And when I said those words, I wasn’t fully prepared to take on the task of winning over a queen, and I let you down.”
His face gets closer until I can feel his breath, until I’m overwhelmed by him and he’s all I can see.
“But now I know. Now, Iknowletting you down isn’t an option. I know proving to you I’m worthy of you is not a simple task and there’s more to it than just loving you.”
He places a soft kiss against my forehead, and then he releases me. Steps back. And the determination on his face is all I can see.
“I have a lot of changes I need to make in order to be worthy of you. And I’m up for the challenge.”
CHAPTER25
LUCAS
When she answers the door, there’s a tiny bit of surprise on her face, and I wonder for a split second if I made the right decision in coming here today.
But then a small, hesitant smile appears, and I know without a doubt that any discomfort either of us feel is going to be totally worth it.
“Hi Ivy,” I say, making sure to look her right in the face so she can read my lips. “I’m wondering if we can talk.”
She steps back, opening the door wider so I can come in. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been to the Calloway Castle, the nickname my friends have for the massive estate Wyatt’s parents built back when we were in high school. The last time I was here, I was giving Wyatt a stern talking-to about what was going on with him and Hannah.
So much has changed since then.
