Page 68 of Promise Me Nothing
I talk to him about balancing work and babysitting and school. I tell him about Melanie and Lissy, and about Sienna.
And then he asks me about my parents. About my dad.
Our dad.
I feel a little lost for words when we finally hit that topic. So I just go for honesty.
“I don’t really know how to talk about him with you,” I say, snuggling deeper into the couch cushions and pulling my knees up to wrap my arms around them. “Dad was… he was this superhero in my mind. Because I only knew him as a kid. By the time I found out about…” I wave in Lucas’ general direction, “everything, he had already been given sainthood. He was this great dad who loved us and took us to the park and built crafts with us and taught us to ride bikes.” I lift a shoulder. “That’s the man I knew.”
Then I ask the hard question. The one I don’t want to ask, but that I have to, just to satisfy the morbid curiosity that I can’t seem to get rid of. “What didyouknow about him?”
He clears his throat and kind of looks off to the side. “Well, Henry was always the guy who came to visit me once a year.” He looks back at me. “Every summer, he’d show up for a few weeks. Spend some time with me, with my mom.”
My stomach pulls uncomfortably, but I don’t ask him to stop.
“He did a lot of the things he did for you and Joshua. Taught me to ride a bike. Took me out to play at parks.” He sighs. “And he taught me to surf. One of the few things I learned from my mom was that Henry was a great surfer.”
“Really?” I ask, unable to help myself.
He nods. “Yeah. Is that not something he ever mentioned to you?”
I shake my head. “No. I mean, I didn’t know he’d ever even seen the ocean, let alone that he could surf it.”
There’s a pause.
“So I’m assuming he never talked to you guys about the trips to the beach then? I thought maybe you guys all did a vacation together out here or something.”
I shake my head. “Definitely not. I’ve never been to the beach before coming here this summer.”
Lucas nods slowly, his eyes watching me.
“Do you know if…” I stop. “Do you know if he loved your mom?”
I jump a little at Lucas’ laugh. “Definitely not. The thing with my mom was a brief affair, according to her. There was no love involved. Ever.”
I nod, feeling oddly relieved. I know now that my parents didn’t have a perfect relationship. But I don’t know how I would feel if I were to find out he was in love with someone else while he was married. I guess it’s easier to believe he was a weak-willed man who let his baser instincts get the best of him.
“Do you know why the affair started?” I ask. “Like… what made him want to cheat on his wife?”
Lucas shakes his head. “I don’t have that answer, Hannah. I’m sorry. I wish I did. But I don’t know that having that information would make it any easier.”
My eyes well up a little bit. “We never had a lot of money, you know? We had periods of time when things weren’t perfect. But both of them were amazing parents, even through all the hard stuff.” I wipe at my eyes. “And now, knowing what I do, I don’t really know how I feel about him anymore.”
I stop talking, feeling the well of emotion surging up in my chest. But before I can try to say anything else, Lucas begins to talk.
“I think the important thing to remember,” he says, “is that you can have memories of your dad that are accurate, even if he was a different person to someone else.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the dad you knew taught you to ride bikes. He may not have had a lot of money, but it sounds like he was loving and affectionate and kind. Just because he wasn’t faithful to your mom…”
I wince, hating how that sounds.
“… just because he was imperfect, doesn’t mean he loved you any less than what you remember. And it doesn’t invalidate the memories you have.”
My gratitude towards Lucas’ perspective feels overwhelming. It’s the first time since I found out about what happened that I feel like it’s okay for me to feel confused. That it’s okay for me to be conflicted about my emotions and try to reconcile my memories with the truth.
“Thank you for saying that. I guess I just feel like I’m betraying him or something. Like learning new things about him might change how I see him. But I also know thatyouare my only remaining family. And this, with you, needs to be protected and nurtured, too. I can’t do that if I’m unwilling to accept these other pieces of who my dad was, as broken as those pieces may be.”
