Page 28 of Like You Want It
She nods. “Nell went down about an hour ago.”
I pop open the top on a beer and take a swig, letting out a satisfied breath once I’ve swallowed the cool liquid down.
“I’m gonna go check on her.” I pull an envelope from my back pocket and slide it across the counter. “Birthday bonus.”
Lydia smiles, that maternal affection she has for me shining brightly across the kitchen. “You didn’t have to do this.”
I shake my head. “I know. I wanted to.” I pass by her and place a kiss on her forehead, then head through the house to the stairs and up to see my beautiful girl.
I crack the door open and see her standing at the edge of her crib, a smile in her eyes and a pacifier in her mouth. The minute the sliver of light hits her face, her arms are up in the air, a silent plea for me to hold her.
I give her a mock glare. “I thought you were supposed to be asleep, missy.”
She giggles, and kind of bounces in place, her hands still reaching out, opening and closing as if to grab for me. Any chance I had of telling her to go to bed and closing the door behind me flies out the window at the sound of her little voice.
I’ve always had a soft spot for that giggle. Hell, I’ve had a soft spot for this little wonder since the minute she was born. A tender little area in my heart that I didn’t know could exist before she did.
I lift her from her crib and snuggle her close, breathing in that kiddo scent all children seem to have until they’re out of diapers.
I sit down in the rocking chair, careful to hold her up so she can dance around on my legs.
She’s always been a dancer. From the first time I felt her through her mom’s stomach, where she was doing breakdance moves in the womb, I knew she was gonna be a dancer. And she proves me right every single day.
I’m usually right, though. I can see things coming from a mile away. It used to be a gift. A way for me to make sure I protected myself or made the right decisions.
Although, I guess some things had a way of slipping past my defenses. You never know your blind spot until it’s abused.
At some point, being able to guess what was coming became a gift I didn’t want anymore. An ability to see how others would fail or stumble or let me down before it happened.
Like with Susie.
I knew she was headed down a rough path when she started hanging out with that group of friends after high school. When she met that asshole who introduced her to heroin. The one who got her so fucked up that she had to go to rehab and comply with a bunch of court orders to compensate for her horrible choices.
Susie fits in on the outskirts. That’s where her comfort zone is. So it’s no surprise that she falls for other misfits. It’s just unfortunate that she likes the ones who are also users. The ones who promise you things and never deliver. The ones who make you think you’re special when really they just want something from you.
I push that thought aside. I don’t need to be thinking about Susie’s problems right now. Hopefully, they’re in the past and we can all move forward without any other shit befalling our family.
Nell’s eyes start to droop, and I pull her in to cradle her in my arms.
My supposed gift of foresight isn’t really working on Susie’s new neighbor, though, and I don’t know how I feel about it. From the moment I met Carly in her apartment when she was wearing those tiny little panties, until an hour ago when I left Susie’s, she has been nothing but a total jumble of contradictions in my mind.
And I don’t like it.
Because I do.
I lift Nell up, who is dozing softly, and walk her over to her crib, careful to kiss her forehead gently before setting her down for a good night’s sleep.
I heard what Carly said to my sister. I’ve been pretty standoffish. Rude, even, as I’ve tried to place boundaries between her and me and Susie. And she could have taken the opportunity to try and drive a wedge between my sister and I. But instead, she encouraged her to talk to me. Told Susie that I love her.
And then she came out of that bedroom with Susie and was just as nice to me as she was to my sister as we finishedTop Gun. Still smiled. Still invited me to be a part of the conversation, though I didn’t really take the bait.
To be honest, I don’t know what to do with that. It feels false. Untrue. Like something that wouldn’t happen in real life. Not my life, at least. Not without an ulterior motive.
Nell snuggles into her blanket, clutching tightly to her stuffed Winnie the Pooh that Susie and I got for her when we went to Disneyland when she was just a few months old last year. Before Susie went to rehab.
I slowly walk out the door and close it behind me, and then head down the hall to the master suite.
I love my house. It’s a swanky, modern thing I got in a foreclosure about ten years ago, right after graduating from the Naval Academy. Everyone said I was stupid to buy a house that I wasn’t going to live in, that was a few hours from where I was stationed in Coronado.
