Page 125 of Like You Want It
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
FIN
When she leaves, I feel it in the depth of my soul.
I won’t lie. There’s a part of me that is screaming that I should go after her. Apologize. Not just for how I’ve been treating her, but also the things that I’ve said.
Because I know the words that came out of my mouth were hurtful. Uncalled for. Me in attack mode, when I wasn’t being attacked.
My eyes glance around my empty kitchen as my mind tries to sort out what to do next.
Free time is rare, these days.
Used to be, when I was in the military, that my days were scheduled by someone else, so my free time consisted of going to the bar with friends or doing extra work outs. Maybe entertaining some ladies.
When Ashley and I were dating, and then married, any free time went to her. Sex. Dinners. Shopping. Fighting. I tried to maintain my friendships, but she was a pretty all-consuming person. One of those people who thinks the world revolves around her, so you should prioritize her above everything.
And like a good husband, I did.
To the detriment of almost every other relationship I had.
After everything fell part, once I was single and left the military, I suddenly found myself self-employed and taking care of a child. So on the off nights I did manage to scrape together, when my parents were watching Nell, I always went out to get laid. I needed it. Craved it. That release that freed my mind from the stressors of the life I’d chosen for myself.
So the only thing I know to do right now is go out and have a drink. Find someone to bring home.
For some reason, that concept doesn’t interest me tonight. Ithasn’tinterested me in months. Not since I met Carly.
I finally decide to watch some ESPN, and head over to my big ass TV, plop down on the couch and flick it on, let the Dodgers play the Brewers on mute.
Sports is the only other thing I can do at any time to relax. To let my mind just blur so I don’t have to stress or worry.
But this time, it doesn’t work.
This time, even though I’d like to put my mind on mute and just zone out, my thoughts fly all over the place. Trying to sort through how I feel, who I am, what I want.
There are some things I know.
I’m still angry at Ashley, and clearly the wounds she inflicted on me have not healed.
I miss being in the military. The sense of rightness that came along with sacrificing for my country, doing something to keep people safe… it was a fit for me.
Even though I know I made the right choice, I still feel like I’ve lost something. Because this real estate thing might put money in my pocket, but fuck if it isn’t boring and repetitive and total unsatisfying.
As far as who I am? I don’t know if that’s something I’ll ever truly know again. I used to know I was a military man. A patriot. A weapon for my country. A brother. A husband, though that didn’t last long.
Now, I’m a full-time guardian and a real estate guy.
It feels like a major step down.
A demotion.
Like somehow I’ve failed.
Leaning back on the couch, I look up at the ceiling, hoping for clarity.
Because next on my list is what I want.
What I want from what? Life. From a relationship. Or from my family. My Work. I don’t even know where to begin.
