Page 126 of Like You Want It
I rack my brain for what feels like hours, trying to sort through things I’ve never really taken the time to acknowledge or think about before.
But ultimately, the self-reflection will have to continue tomorrow. Because before long, I fall asleep.
«««« »»»»
A few days later, Nell sits in my lap, bouncing happily, babbling out half words and random things as we wait for Susie to finish with her therapy appointment.
She called me yesterday, told me she wanted to start going to a regular therapist instead of just her NA meetings because she feels like there are some things that happened in her past that she needs to work through.
“That’s a great idea,” I’d said.
“Really?” She laughed. “I’m glad you think so. I was so worried about mentioning it to you since you were so anti-therapy after the divorce and everything that happened.”
I’d frowned, trying to remember something like that. My divorce was finalized about three years ago, but I didn’t remember ever beinganti-therapy. I didn’t remember anyone even mentioning it.
“Oh come on,” Susie had said as we sat at her favorite restaurant having dinner. “Don’t give me that face.”
“What face?”
She rolled her eyes. “When you and Ashley got divorced and everything happened with Noah, you and dad sat down and had that long talk and he mentioned how important therapy was for him in sorting through things with mom.”
I shook my head. “That’s not what he said.”
She laughed. “Fine. All I remember is you saying you didn’t need it. That you were fine, and couldn’t wait to move on to other women.”
I cringed. “I didnot.” But I know I said that. I said it all the time. Put it out into the world, hoping Ashley would see it.
It was her greatest manipulating tool, her sexuality. But she had been just as into my body as I’d been into hers. So I’d tried to use sex as my own weapon.
Who I’d actually hurt with it is still up for debate.
“Well, maybe I’ve changed.”
Her eyebrows lifted. “Really? You’d go to therapy?”
I’d thought back to my conversation with Carly, about the values of what it could do for your mind. “Yeah, sure.”
Though, really, I wasn’t so sure.
“I talked to Carly about it at dinner the other night,” Susie said then, her chopsticks swirling in her bowl of Ramen. “She encouraged me to talk to you about it instead of just going without telling you. She said it was important to bring family into the process if true healing is going to happen. I feel like I’ve heard that at NA meetings before, but this was the first time I reallyheardit, you know?”
I feel thankful, sitting here now, bouncing Nell on my lap as Susie attends her first appointment. Thankful for Carly’s interference into my sister’s life. The way she encourages my sister to heal and find herself.
And for what was clearly a choice on her part not to talk to Susie about what happened between us, even though it would have been so easy. The last thing Susie needs is to feel caught between her new friend and her brother.
But I don’t want to think about Carly. I like how Iusuallydeal with my problems.
By ignoring them.
Nell leans forward and puts her hands on either side of my face, squeezing my cheeks.
Everything about this little wonder makes me smile. From the minute I found out about her, I was thrilled. Mad at my sister? Absolutely. But 100%, over the moon, stoked to be an uncle.
And she has been quite the little blessing for our whole family.
Because of her, my sister got clean. Checked herself into rehab and agreed to stipulations that would allow her the chance to really focus on her recovery.
Because of her, my parents have finally gotten their grandkid wish and refocused some of their loneliness into time with their granddaughter.
