Page 75 of Brandishing Balance
“I think we all do,” Jason rasped. He looked up at me with tears pouring down his face. “Darlin’, I need to go too. I’m sorry. I just need…I don’t…I can’t—” his voice choked off on a sob of his own, before he got up and walked away too. Thankfully, he headed upstairs.
“Nic,” I muttered, my heart pounding in my chest as I heard Marcos’s Harley start up on the driveway.
“I’m here, baby. I’ve got you.” His voice was thick with emotions and he held me tighter.
Marcos
Idroveawayfromthehouse with tears still pouring down my face, knowing in my heart I was making the wrong decision. I was making a monumentally stupid decision.
I screamed at the top of my lungs and pulled the fuck over three blocks from the house. I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t fucking think.
Pulling over along the side of the road, I slumped over my bike and sobbed. Fucking Christ. This was all my fucking fault. I almost killed the love of my life with my own fucking selfishness.
“Marcos man, what happened?” Johnny’s voice grabbed my attention.
Lifting my head, I found the leather clad biker standing on the side of the street…barefoot. Something about the sight jolted me out my anguish. “Fuck.” I wiped my face with both hands and tried to calm my breathing.
“Dude, what happened?” Johnny asked.
“Me. I fucking happened.”
The sound of boots stomping on the pavement made me jerk my head to the right. Kevin and Derrick ran down their long driveway toward me. In the front yard, I see Kara with a baby monitor clipped to her thigh and one hand on Luke’s shoulder as they stood there watching me breakdown on the side of the street.
“You OK, man?” Kevin asked.
I shook my head. “Not really.”
Johnny nodded. “Come on, we’ll grab a beer in the garage. But you gotta say something to Luke first.”
I nodded, feeling utterly defeated. I was probably scaring the shit out of my sister and son. I needed to be strong…but I was so fucking tired. How could someone be strong, when they were the cause of the turmoil and heartbreak around them? When they were the reason people had suffered for the last ten years? So much could have been different, had I not fucked up back then.
Slowly, I turn my bike around and make my way up the driveway. As I shut off my bike, Luke comes running over. I stand from my bike quickly, making sure the kickstand is down before I grab Luke to me and hold him tight.
“Are you OK, dad? Did something happen to mom? Why are you crying?” Luke squeezed me as I lifted him from his feet and buried my face in his neck.
“I’m OK, buddy. Just a little sad. Mom’s OK too. We were talking about the past and why she had to leave here before shehad you. I just realized how much I missed out on, how much of it I could have prevented. It was my fault buddy. I should have been a better man. I’m so sorry, Luke.”
Luke stiffened in my arms. “Did you leave her alone again?”
“What? No!” I pulled back to look him in the eye. His little face was so serious as he stared me back, so determined. “No. Nico and Jason are with her. I promise you.”
“Then why aren’t you?”
My mouth dropped open in shock. I found myself utterly speechless. He was right. With four words, my nine-year-old son knocked me on my ass. “I—uh.”
“Luke honey, sometimes after hard conversations, people need their space. Sometimes it’s easier to breakdown without anyone watching,” Kara said softly as she walked over.
I glanced at my sister, grateful and slowly set Luke back on the pavement. “She’s right. I didn’t want your mom to see me like this. I didn’t want you to see me like this.”
Luke frowned. “Hiding your feelings won’t help. Secrets are what started this. It’s not good to keep your pain secret from your family.”
How the fuck was this little boy so fucking wise? “You’re absolutely right, son. The truth is…I’m scared. I don’t know how to fix things, or how to be the kind of man your mother deserves.”
“Only Maya can decide what she deserves,” Kara said softly. “You can only choose to do better, be better.”
“Yeah, dad. You’re a great dad, now you gotta be a great boyfriend.”
I can’t help but chuckle at Luke’s logic. “Yeah buddy.”
