Page 70 of Jacked
I squeeze his shoulders again and make a sympathetic sound.
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
“It’s alright. Like I said, it’s my fault, so I don’t really have any right to whine about it.” He rolls his shoulders and clearshis throat, deftly putting on a neutral mask to hide any lingering traces of emotion.
A few months ago, I would have felt relief at seeing him pull himself together and try to drop the subject. What the fuck do I know about comforting an emotionally compromised dude? My dad’s voice echoes in my head.Men don’t cry. Don’t be a pussy. You sound like a little girl with your panties all in a twist.Didn’t matter if we were missing our mom or had broken a finger in Little League, his answer was always the same. Suck it up. Be a man.
Instead of echoing my dad though, I can feel myself channeling Slater as I pull my brother into a hug.
“It’s okay to be upset about it. It’s okay to cry too. Breakups fucking hurt.” I rub his back, feeling the stiffness and tension leech out of him for a second as he sags against me and sniffles one more time.
Then, he chuckles and straightens up.
“What, have you been going to therapy or some shit? Watching reruns ofDr. Phil?” The teasing in his voice is a little too tight to be convincing. I get it. When you’ve had a lifetime of absorbing the same message, it’s fucking hard to let it go.
I give him a crooked smile. “I’d better go change too. If Slater has to wait for pizza, he’ll fucking riot.”
In just a few minutes, the five of us are headed down the street to the best neighborhood pizza place. Slater walks a few steps behind with Cas and Nolan. I catch myself glancing back every few feet because it feels fucking weird not to be walking right next to him, holding his hand, listening to his random thoughts or playful teasing.
I keep waiting for Logan to make some comment or joke or at least question the fact that we’re living in Boystown, but he doesn’t say a word about it. We talk about his job and about Boston while we walk, carefully avoiding the topic of Alex.
The smell of cheese and garlic makes my mouth water as we head inside the pizza place. I end up seated between Logan and Slater on one side of the table, with Cas and Nolan on the other. Slater nudges his foot against mine under the table and a warm flood of affection rushes through me.
I think about how Slater referred to himself as my roommate when he introduced himself to Logan and my gut squeezes again. Weeks ago, when we were first figuring everything out, Slater said I didn’t have to rush to come out or do iteverif I didn’t want to. I could keep my dad and Logan in the dark. I could let them think Slater is just my best friend and leave them out of a major part of my life. But I can’t stand the idea of hiding him like that, of diminishing what we have just so they’ll be more comfortable. If they don’t like it, then they don’t have to be in my life.
A fresh sense of determination stiffens my spine, and I press my foot against Slater’s in return. Across the table, Cas leans closer to Nolan to point something out on the menu and there’s no mistaking it for platonic. Especially not once Nolan surprises Cas with a kiss.
Logan clears his throat and shifts in his seat.
“So, you two…”
Cas looks up from the menu with a smile. He’s wearing the same carefree grin I’ve seen on Slater’s lips a thousand times, but his eyes are full of steel, challenging Logan without saying a word.
“Are a couple,” Cas says politely, his tone holding the same cheerful threat as his expression.
“Cool.” Logan bobs his head, and I can see his throat move with a heavy swallow. He glances over at me and there’s a tightness around his eyes that I’ve never seen there before. “Do you have a lot of gay friends?”
I study him for a minute, trying to figure out what he’s really asking. Is it a low-key way to imply that I must be gay if all my friends are? Is it a snide dig? Or is it totally innocent curiosity?
Slater nudges his foot against mine under the table again, letting me know he’s here for me. I decide to treat the question like it’s genuine and see how things play out.
“Yeah. Most of my friends these days, come to think of it.”
“Oh, wow. I didn’t know that. I guess a lot has changed since I moved.” He chuckles, raking his fingers through his hair and anxiously glancing back down at his menu.
I still can’t read him. He’s playing his cards as close to the chest as I am, dancing around what he really means and keeping his poker face firmly in place. It’s making my palms sweat and my stomach roil. I’m so fucking tired of the games, of constantly having to watch myself to make sure I don’t slip. I’ve been doing it my whole life without even realizing it most of the time. I’ve been twisting myself into pretzels trying to be what I thought I was supposed to and I’m just… tired.
I reach for Slater’s hand resting on the table and slot my fingers between his, holding Logan’s gaze while I do it.
“Yeah, a lot has changed.” I try to match Cas’s energy from before—polite, but with the underlying threat that I won’t be bullied for who I am. “Is that going to be a problem?”
Slater squeezes my hand and everyone is dead silent. I have the passing thought of how funny it would be for our waiter to walk up right now to take our order during this awkward standoff. And then Logan reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone.
“You kept asking to see pictures of Alex and me together and I kept telling you I didn’t have any.” He taps at his screen and then turns his phone towards me. I frown, not sure what any of this has to do with my big reveal. Maybe it was too subtle? Do I need to come right out and tell him that Slater is my boyfriend?
“Logan—” I start to say, but he wiggles the phone in front of me with a sad look in his eyes.
“Would you just look,” he says gruffly.
