Page 61 of Guarded Hearts
He’d know I saw his messages, so I had to write something. While I tried to think of words that were honest but that didn’t plead for him to love me in return, I called a cab. At the closest bus stop, I waited for a ride, his message open on my phone. What could I say?
The truth.
I didn’t knowhow.
I sent the message before I could second-guess myself and then tucked my phone into my purse.
Tomorrow, I’d deal with getting Ricky removed from my house, and then I could go back to my heartbreak. For now, I couldn’t dwell on something I couldn’t change. Maybe Pasha loved me. Maybe he didn’t. Either way, our relationship had given me a gift. I would no longer be willing to settle for a man who destroyed my self-worth and made me question my sanity. Love shouldn’t be a battlefield.
Later that night, when I put on Pasha’s shirt, the word Security brought a smile to my face. I pressed the fabric to my nose and breathed in the last of his smell. In bed, I opened my phone and stared at his message.
Could I call him? Should I? God, why hadn’t we talked about what we were going to do after I left? Was it okay to contact him? I had no idea if he’d found my letter yet.
My career meant I left men behind all the time, but I’d never felt like this, as though a piece of me were still in Bellerive, as though that piece might not ever make its way back to me again. My longing for him ran deep, a well full of unfulfilled wishes.
On the screen, I typed,I miss you. My finger hovered over the send button. What then? He was there. I was here. Instead of sending the message, I closed my phone and tossed it out of reach, onto the other double bed beside mine.
I wanted to know I was enough, maybe even more than enough, and forcing him to give me crumbs wouldn’t satisfy either of us.
I turned out the bedside lamp and stared at the ceiling, remembering the solidness of him sprawled out in the bed beside me, the weight of his arm across my stomach. Every night with him had been like steppinginside a warm house after I’d been out in a blizzard. I’d relished the happiness in the minutes and hours doing nothing, doing everything, existing in a space with him. Now, alone in the dark, I wished I’d savored every moment just a little bit more.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Pasha
Standing outside the hotel room where Tyler’s mother, Joanna, and Victoria were holed up, I wished for the busywork I’d had before the wedding. Tyler and Mia were off on their honeymoon, at a short distance from the hotel, for a few days. Mia didn’t like to leave Victoria for very long. I’d sent Gerald with them, unable to stomach the sight of the honeymoon location.
The beach was rife with memories of Alyssa. Grieving someone who was still alive was new. But I recognized every emotion storming through me, including the one I’d been afraid to name, hadn’t been able to say aloud.
Love.
I loved Alyssa.
Everywhere I went in the hotel, a reminder lurked, and the social media accounts I’d made to keep track of anyone who tried to come for her in comments or posts hadn’t made her absence any easier. The wedding dance had stirred up more furor over our relationship and a seemingly endless interest in Alyssa Miller’s life.
From the minute I’d woken up and found her gone, the intensity of my love for her had hit me like a tsunami.
Denying the hefty weight of my feelings wasn’t possible. I’d agonized over whether to text her when I’d discovered her gone. She hadn’t even said “goodbye.” Was our relationship that one-sided? Had I misread her so totally? I’d wanted every minute, every second we’d had left.
Emerging from the elevator were Mia and Tyler, followed by Gerald and another bodyguard we’d hired from Bellerive’s private security firm, which normally focused on the royals and their guests. The four people looked the happiest and most relaxed I’d seen them in a while, and their expressions soured my mood.
A few days ago, I’d had that too.
“All packed to leave?” Mia asked as she approached. She frowned when she got close enough to examine my face. “Are you okay? You look awful.”
“I’m fine.” My voice was gruffer than I expected. “I still need to pack.” I didn’t meet her gaze.
She placed her hand on my forearm and glanced at Tyler over her shoulder. “Tyler and I were working some things out while we were gone, and we want to talk to you before we go to the airstrip, okay?”
I nodded. A location change or a guard they didn’t like. There was always an adjustment to be made. “Yes, yes. Fine.” I surveyed the other two guards with Mia and Tyler. “You’ll stay here?”
“Yeah,” Gerald said. “I’m all packed and ready to go. I’ve got you covered.”
Mia and Tyler ducked into their room, their enthusiastic greeting with Victoria and Tyler’s mother audible from the hallway. Hearing their cries of joy caused another pang of longing to roll across me like smoke, almost choking me. My eyes stung.
Down the hall in my own room, I rummaged through my things, counting my shirts, trying to keep my mind off Alyssa.
One shirt was missing.
