Page 62 of Guarded Hearts
I stared at the adjoining door to what had been Alyssa’s room. The memory of the open door, her voice floating in with the ocean breeze as she asked a question, brought another pang of regret. Why hadn’t I told her how I felt? Why hadn’t I realized her loss would be so deep, so profound? It felt like she’d died. The shirt was gone, perhaps lost forever. Alyssa was gone, too, but she didn’t have to be lost forever. She’d felt something for me, hadn’t she? The thought of going to her, taking a chance, floated through my consciousness.
Then what? I was tied to Mia, and Alyssa needed the job with Sarah Telling’s tour. Long distance would be the only option. Any way I sliced the pie, I didn’t like the size of the piece. I’d never have enough.
In the bathroom, I gathered my toiletries, my mind working overtime for a solution. When I went to shove them into my bag, something stopped my shampoo from sliding in easily. Yanking back the fabric of the bag, I noticed a bundle of paper. With a frown, I took it out. When I opened the stack, my heart boomed. Alyssa’s handwriting. She’d left me a note. As I scanned the number of pages, hope bloomed in my chest.
A letter.
I sank to the bed and traced a finger along the swirling cursive of my name. The tightness in my chest and the weight on my shoulders eased. She hadn’t left without saying goodbye. It had taken me days to discover this. What if I’d never found it?
Pasha,
I’ve thought about telling you these things a million times, maybe more. Despite that, I’ve been sitting here, staring at the page, wonderingwhat exactly I should write, where I should start. I suppose with the most important bit, right?
I love you. I’m in love with you.
I wish I could tell you an exact moment when I knew, but truthfully, the feeling snuck up on me. From the start, I liked being around you. You made me feel safe, secure, and as though it was possible for me to conquer the world. Not that I have a Napoleon complex or something. I just wanted you to conquer the dance. ?? But we became so much more than that. I’d never had a relationship where a man lifted me up instead of dragging me down, where a man poured his whole heart into something when he’d given his word. As far as I knew, guys played games and used feelings like a weapon in a war, as a way to lie or cheat or steal.
God, I probably shouldn’t be telling you that. Any of the other guys I’ve dated would take that declaration as proof they could treat me way worse and I’d still hang around. You’re not like that, though. You’re not like any man I’ve ever known.
Which is why I couldn’t tell you this in person. Zoya was your great love. But you’re mine. I didn’t want you to ease the inevitable blow to my feelings by telling me you’re flattered and all but you’re not in the same emotional space as me. Not like that, obviously, but you get the idea.
I’m glad you took a chance on me at the bar. I’m glad I got to spend these last few months with someone who showed me what it was like to be valued and cared for. I’m going to carry these lessons with me for the rest of my life.
Know that I’m out here in the world, rooting for you to find love, to find happiness, to find fulfillment—all the things you gave to me.
Be well.
Love, Alyssa
I read her words over again, as though reading them a second time would change the message or calm my racing heart.
She loved me, but she believed I didn’t love her.
God, I’d fucked up, and I needed to fix it. I couldn’t send her a text message with the most important thing I’d ever say, and I couldn’t call her either. If she doubted me, I needed to be there in person so she’d see my sincerity. My gut instinct was to quit my job, but I’d be kicked out of the country, and Mia would be hurt.
A knock sounded on the door, and I let out a frustrated noise as I went to answer it. Whatever schedule change Tyler and Mia were making, I didn’t want to hear it right now. Once I threw open the door, I glared at Tyler.
“Okay,” Tyler said with a nod. “Mia was right. You’re in a mood.”
“No mood,” I said with a slice of my hand. “Where’s Mia?” I peered around Tyler’s shoulder, but Mia was nowhere to be found.
“She thought this might be easier on everyone if I spoke to you.”
Hot and cold flashed through my body. Was she going to fire me after all and ship me back to Russia? I was still trying to wrap my head around Alyssa’s letter, trying to come up with some way to be with her.
I stepped back to let Tyler enter. Rather than facing my friend, I stared into my bag and then folded Alyssa’s letter, which I tucked into my pocket. “Schedule change?”
“In a way, yeah.” Tyler scratched the back of his head. “This is Mia’s idea, and she didn’t come because she thought she’d cry if she talked to you about it. But I’m just going to say up front that no one is forcing you to do anything. We can just keep on going the way we are.”
I frowned and met Tyler’s gaze. “Okay.”
Tyler took a deep breath. “Jazz is suing Mia for wrongful dismissal. She’s not going to win, but for whatever reason, she’s decided to make our life difficult.”
“Is she firing me?”
“No.” Tyler gave a sharp shake of his head. “But Taryn and Rebecca suggested Jazz’s case might be more straightforward if you weren’t employed with Mia anymore.”
“But you’re not firing me?” I rubbed a hand down my face. If they fired me, could I hop on a plane and get to Alyssa before she left for Sarah Telling’s tour rehearsal to see her one last time? “My visa is for Mia.”
