Page 28 of Free Heart
My leg is elevated on pillows and hurts like a motherfucker. He’s given me the bedtime pain meds, though. I can only hope they kick in soon. There aren’t many in the bottle. Strict laws on prescription opioids prohibit that.
“I’m going to sleep out on the sofa,” Sejin says.
I try to keep from jolting my leg at all as I pat the mattress. “There’s room on the bed for you.”
Sejin pauses in his retreat, moves Julio off, and takes a seat next to me again. “Alright. I’ll stay until your meds kick in.”
“Sleep next to me.” I really want to feel his body by mine. Smell his hair and his neck. Feel like it’s going to be okay. Thatwe’regoing to be okay.
Sejin runs the back of his fingers up my forearm. “I’m afraid I’ll kick you in my sleep or something. You’ll rest better if I’m not in here.”
I reach for a loose lock of his hair, slipping it around my fingers. It’s thick and silky, and I wonder when I’ll ever want to get naked and screw him again. Right now that seems like an impossible dream. I know I couldn’t get hard for anything.
“I want you to hold me,” I say. “You haven’t. Not yet.”
He’d hugged me in the hospital, and supported me out to the car, and helped me get into the house, and washed me off, but he hasn’t lain down beside me or held me with tenderness, the way he’s always done almost from the start. I want his comfort and familiar ease.
Sejin scoots into position, moving slowly so as not to jostle my leg. He carefully lowers himself down next to me, his arm over my chest, and his cheek resting on the pillow beside me. I can feel his breath on the side of my face. We’re silent for a long time. Eventually I ask, “Are you going to leave me over this?”
Sejin huffs. “I already told you I’m not going anywhere.”
“Not now, obviously. But later. When I can go up again.”
He sighs. “Danny, can’t we just hold each other andnottell scary stories about the future?”
I slide my arm so that I’m pressing him tighter to my chest. We’re quiet again until I can’t take it anymore. “I wish I could tell you I’m not going to try again, but—”
“Danny. Stop.” Sejin lifts up on his elbow, his face looming over me. His hair is still pulled back, but loose strands brush against my cheeks and forehead, tickling me. “I’m not leaving you. Ever. You’re gonna have to be the one to leave me. Got it?”
“It’s not fair to put you through this.”
“It’s not,” he agrees. “But life isn’t fair.”
“Relationships should be fair.”
“Bullshit.” Sejin sits up. “You’re too drugged up to have this conversation, and if you aren’t now, you will be as soon as the meds hit. But I want you to listen to me.Nothingis fair. Nothing is ‘even’ or ‘equal’ or ‘fifty-fifty’ at any time, in any way, in this world. Know how I learned that?”
“Your mom,” I whisper.
“Got it in one. But also growing up in West Virginia. Watching people struggle to get by. Seeing the chemical companies pack up and leave us all stranded. Hell, I learned it just by living. I could be pissed off about a lot of unfairness if I wanted to be, and I wouldn’t be wrong. But I’m not going to live my life looking for ways that someone screwed me over or thinking if I do this, then someone owes me for that. That’ll never pan out the way I want.”
“What do you want?”
“I want to be with you for as long as I can, for as long as you want me, and if that means I have to make peace again with you climbing a big, stupid rock wall, and maybe falling off it, then fine. I’ll make that peace. Because even if it’snotfair, well…you wouldn’t ask me to give up my smile for you, would you? Or my voice? We aren’t the fucking Little Mermaid here, are we?”
“No.”
“Exactly. I’m not a mermaid.” Sejin pushes the stray hairs back from his face. “I’ma seahorse. Your seahorse.”
“I think those meds have definitely kicked in because I think you just said you’re a seahorse.”
“No, you heard right. I’m a seahorse.”
“You’re sure? Because that’s ludicrous,” I say, feeling loopy. “You’re a man, a whole-ass man, Sejin. Not a seahorse.”
“I am a man,” he agrees with a sad smile gracing his lips. Nothing like my favorite smile.
I wonder when I’ll see that one again. Maybe not for months. If he changes his mind and leaves me, maybe never. My heart aches almost as much as my leg at that thought. Sejin bends close and whispers, “I’m your man.”
