Page 63 of Fighting Conviction
Ellie tilted her head and gave him a smile. “You’re right. It does. A lot of the time, actually.” She scanned her surroundings and waved her hand. “I like your place.”
He smiled and gestured to the room. “I’d give you the grand tour.” He emphasized the words like there was more to it than the all-in-one room. “But this is it and you need your rest. I was hoping to have you here under much better circumstances.” His wink made the sudden butterflies in her lower belly go wild. “But here we are.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered before sitting up against the wooden headboard.
“Why are you apologizing?”
“I don’t know. I freakin’ passed out. I feel like I worried everyone—”
Dev patted her shin. “Stop. Alright? We’re giving you time to rest. No need to apologize to anyone but yourself.”
It was Ellie’s turn to raise a brow. “Myself?”
He jutted his chin to the open space beside her against the headboard. “Mind if I sit?”
“Oh, of course not. It’s your bed.” She tried to laugh but she was still exhausted by everything she’d been through and it took too much effort.
Dev scooted beside her and crossed his arms. His fingers tapped against the curve of his large biceps and Ellie had to snap herself out of staring when he spoke again.
“I’m sorry.”
Ellie felt her face contort to show the confusion she felt. “You’resorry? You got me out of there today.”
He sighed and scrubbed his face. “I’ve let my emotions get in the way of your health and—”
Ellie’s hands shot up. “Hold up, hold up, hold up. You think what happened today wasyourfault?”
His brow furrowed as he nodded. “If I’d been paying better attention—”
“No, ugh. Your emotions aren’t the problem here.Mineare. Or at least, me trying not to have them is the problem.” Ellie groaned. “I need to fess up. If today didn’t wake me up, nothing will.”
Dev sat beside her silently as she gathered her thoughts.
“You noticed. You think you let your feelings get in the way of seeing the signs of my future breakdown, but you didn’t. You’ve confronted me about it and I swept it under the rug.” Ellie blew out a heavy breath, hoping it would center her. She was even tired of the question but after the day she’d had, she wasn’t confident in her answer anymore.
“I’m just… exhausted, I guess. That’s not your fault, it’s mine. I’ve closed myself off. Pushed everything away. I thought, if I worked hard enough, fixed everything—everyone—around me, I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. I wouldn’t have to feel so guilty… But it’s not working.”
His face remained unnervingly impassive but she knew he was waiting for her to get everything off her chest. She bit her lip before resting her head against the headboard and closing her eyes. Even then she had the overwhelming urge to change the subject, to keep putting off having to deal with the turmoil inside, but the weighted silence made her feel like she couldn’t breathe until she released the burdens suffocating her.
“You know… I didn’t really want to go on a date with you tonight.” Dev frowned but Ellie waved his concern away and continued talking. “I’m supposed to be honoring tradition in a childhood treehouse with my best friend right now. Eating a donut and planning our lives out. Promising each other we’ll grow up to be mean ol’ biddies together and swear we’ll still climb up that treehouse to celebrate our birthdays.”
Dev’s brow relaxed in understanding and she was glad he didn’t say anything because the next part was going to be the hardest.
“A year ago… today… Sasha was m-murdered.” Ellie fought to say the word as quickly as she could, but it still stabbed her in the chest on its way out. “For the rest of my life… today will always be my birthday and it’llalwaysbe the anniversary of my best friend’s death.” She wiped at her suddenly stinging eyes. “And I can’t stop thinking… what if I’d done more to stop it. What if I hadn’t been so scared. Would she still be alive?”
Her voice warbled with emotion and she wasn’t sure if she could say any more. Wasn’t even sure what else she could say. Several minutes passed while she tried to analyze her feelings and fight the pressure to blurt anything else out. But she didn’t have to worry because, like always, Dev filled the empty space.
“Damn, we’re more alike than I thought.” He closed his eyes and rubbed them with his thumb and finger as he mumbled to himself. “Fuck, itdoesn’twork, does it? I thought shutting down worked. But it doesn’t if it looks like this.”
Confused, Ellie stayed silent as Dev’s exhale deflated his body until he seemed to be as exhausted as she was.
“Before our last mission, my teammates were my brothers.”
Ellie’s heart skipped a beat but she didn’t say anything, afraid it’d break the rare moment when Dev opened up to her. She knew her brother was haunted by their last mission but he refused to talk about it. The prospect of getting to hear more about what made Dev tick and the details about why Jason was so distant when he came back made her anxious.
“When Troy committed suicide, I closed myself off. I’d missed all the signs warning me he was in trouble. That guilt screwed me up and it took a long ass time to let people close again.
“And I did eventually. With my team. We lived, we died, we killed… for the team. Everything revolved around my brothers and our purpose.
