Page 64 of Fighting Conviction
“But on that last mission, somehow the bastard knew we were coming…” He sighed and shook his head. “We were there to help save victims—”
“Women like me and Sasha.”
He grunted his assent, and his hand found her blanketed thigh. “But nothing went as planned. Jaybird, Hawk, and Eagle—”
“Eagle?”
He nodded. “He was our team lead, then, not Hawk. Phoenix piloted our chopper, Snake was back on base with the commo—um, sorry, the comms system. He was our eyes from a drone above and talked to us through our headsets. And I remained by the Bird for medical support with Draco as QRF—the quick reaction force if shit hit the fan… Which it did.
“Something went wrong with the commo… Snake was having a hard time getting through to Hawk, Eagle, and your brother. There was static and it cut out completely for me and Draco. I didn’t know anything was wrong until everything blew up.”
Even knowing Dev, her brother, and the rest of the BlackStone Crew got out, Ellie still felt a frisson of fear. But while her heart was racing, Dev recounted his story in a low monotone, as if he was reading a medical report aloud.
“The target had set his own home as a bomb. Civilians we hadn’t known would be in there were trapped when the explosion went off—”
“Oh, God. Were they okay?”
Dev’s lips tightened and Ellie shut her mouth. She knew better than to interject during a traumatic story and she could handle his. She’d listened to traumatic stories day in and day out, but it was something different altogether to know the survivor personally.
“Seeing that bomb go off with three of my best friends inside scared the shit out of me. It was only a moment of being frozen in fear for them, but it was long enough to miss what happened next.
“Hawk, Jaybird, and Eagle made it out, but as soon as they did, we caught fire from who we thought were friendlies… people Jaybird and Draco had trained to take care of themselves against the men terrorizing their village.
“Your brother and Hawk made it to the Bird. Eagle was behind them and caught a bullet to the thigh. The wound wasn’t life-threatening, except for the fact it slowed him down during a firefight. Hawk went back to help him. I couldn’t move. Ishould’vemoved. It was literally myjobto react quickly and act as backup, and prevent what happened. But I fucked up because I couldn’t shut off the emotions that paralyzed me.
“They were almost at the Bird when they were attacked. I’d even seen the local coming, but I still couldn’t fucking move. He pointed his AK right at them, but Eagle pushed Hawk down. He took the bullets straight to the chest.”
Ellie covered her mouth to keep from interrupting with a gasp.
“If I’d gone to help sooner or picked off the guy before he took the shot… it was seeing Eagle fall that snapped me back into the moment. I guess my medic training finally overrode my fear.
“I hopped out and we pulled him into the Bird. Phoenix flew us away while Jaybird and Hawk fired back down below. I did the best I could. I’ve seen horrible things. Fucked-up things people do to each other and I’m their goddamn cleanup crew. Or the grim reaper. It never sits right with me when I lose someone. But, Eagle?” He shook his head and his lips flattened into a thin line. “I did the best I could and failed. After that, I shut down again.”
Ellie grabbed his hand from her thigh and squeezed. “But, why?”
“I kept thinking, if I’d been paying attention, if I’d kept my teammates at arm’s length and hadn’t been distracted and frozen with fear that they’d been injured, maybe I would’ve realized that the friendlies around us were about to turn. Maybe Eagle would still be alive.
“I couldn’t make mistakes. Let emotional attachments get in the way. If I do, people get hurt. It’s why I freaked the fuck out and ran away when I let my need for you blind me from the signs that you were about to have a panic attack—”
“Dev, that wasn’t—”
“Not caring enough made me ignore signs with Troy. Caring too much had me blind to see the danger that killed Eagle until it was too late. Turning everything off and operating on facts and logic, that’s how I could stop the death around me.”
“Dev, stop. None of that is your fault.” Ellie sat up from sitting beside Dev to turn and face him head-on. “Obviously I’ve got my own issues, but you’ve taught me how to fight back, in every way. You’ve given me control back that I thought I’d lost. Caring about your teammates didn’t kill Eagle. You wereambushed. There’s no way you could’ve known that was gonna happen. And you did care about Troy, but there’s no way to know when someone’s desperate enough to take their life.”
His fingers stretched to lace farther into hers until every inch of their palms were touching. “I’m telling you this because… I think you’re like me, a little, at least. I haven’t really analyzed what I was doing until I realized I understood your coping mechanisms perfectly. You’re doing everything you can not to think about your loss and even more to try to cure the guilt from it. But refusing to face it is killing you, baby. And you definitely don’t deserve that guilt.”
“But with Sasha…” she whispered and shook her head. “No. Our situations are nothing alike. You did everything you could to help Eagle, but you had enemies bent on killing y’all. I didn’t do anything to stop her from getting… I didn’t stop it. I just lay there.”
“How are they not the exact same situation?” He reached up with his free hand and brushed her cheek. “Listen to me, El, you were barely eighteen, drugged, and untrained. It’s okay to not know what to do in that situation. All we can ever do is our best and it’s okay if the best you can do is self-preservation. Sometimes the opportunity to save ourselves is all we get.”
The air caught in her throat and Ellie found it hard to breathe, but in a much different way than a panic attack. It was almost like she was tasting the air for the first time and it was cleansing, even as it burned. Tears stung her eyes as she pulled away from his hands.
“But how? How do you live with that? Knowing people are gone and you didn’t stop it? I don’t want to feel it anymore and I’ve tried turning it off but i-it’s not working.”
She couldn’t help the hitch in her voice at the end but she blinked back the moisture in her eyes to meet Dev’s. His eyebrows raised, as if he was thinking about her questions, then furrowed as he shook his head.
“You’re right. Turning it off doesn’t work. I think seeing you in so much pain is what’s making me realize it, but you’re right. I’ve tried turning it off for years. I thought if I held everything at a distance, I wouldn’t ever miss clues like that again. I wouldn’t let my emotions get in the way of seeing what was important, and honestly, it protected me too. If I shut down, it wouldn’t hurt as much when the people around me died.”
