Page 16 of Quarantined
"I am not so little anymore." Mia pouts. And I pout back. So she starts to grin.
And then there isher.She is smilingthat smileat me. The one where she thinks I am her entire world. I hate it. I love it.
She leans in with a hand on my shoulder to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. Soft, such soft lips. How does she keep them so soft?
I almost gasp as a zing shoots through my body, and my heartbeat picks up. I hold my breath until she moves back. The kiss was too long. The kiss was too short. Her lips are too much. I immediately miss her lips. As always, Raven is a walking contradiction for me.
What is wrong with me? Raven is fifteen, a sophomore in high school. I am a month away from turning nineteen and a sophomore in college. She is too young for my wayward thoughts. Not to mention, Reid thinks Raven belongs to him.
They grew up relying on each other. They were each other's escape from their shit parents, which sucks, because now Raven is my escape from my shit life. I need her too. But Reid wouldn't see it that way. He already goes ballistic when Raven takes my side during arguments.
I turn my attention to Reid, who is scowling at me. Great, what did I do this time? I have barely walked in. How could I have already ruined the great Reid Sinclair's mood?
"You are late," he shoots out.
"Sorry man, there was a lot of traffic. Did you guys start the movie?"
"We are almost done. You missed it."
"No, you did not," Raven pipes in. “God, Reid! You are such a drama queen."
The girl melts my heart. She always has my back, making everything in my life a little better.
Mia gets impatient. "Let's go! Movie!" She is turning into such a brat.
We head back to the living room. Mia throws herself on the rug, stretching out on her stomach, in front of the TV. I put my backpack down and plop down on one side of the sofa. Raven sits down next to me.
My heart stops as soon as her scent hits me. That vanilla smell, so familiar and so Raven. It's barely there, which makes it that much more intoxicating.
I want to smell more of it. I lean in to take a deep breath to catch that intoxicating smell again.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
I straighten and stare into the TV. From the corner of my eyes, I see Reid tugging Raven closer to him, towards his end of the sofa. A pang of jealousy overtakes me.
I am not worried about a romantic connection between them. Once Reid started parading around his bevy of girls, I watched for Raven's reaction. At most, Raven seemed amused. She ended up becoming friends with most of them and is usually his wing woman. Even Raven couldn't act that aloof if it wasn't her truth. It was a relief.
Still, I am jealous. Reid has this natural connection with Raven that I crave. He can cuddle with her, walk hand in hand with her. It's always been like that, ever since they were babies. Their connection is easy. There is no sexual tension, so they are just physically comfortable.
It kills me.
Raven talks about how their souls are connected, in the way two codependent damaged adolescents are connected to each other. But my soul is connected to her in a more profound way. In the last couple of years, Raven has been the only person I can seek solace in. She is my confidant.
Whenever I stay at the house, Raven will often come to my room. She'll plop herself down on my bed, and we will talk for hours about everything under the sun.
She talks a lot about her mom. Theressa has been a better mother in the last few months. Like Uncle John, Theressa is also overtly expressive to me, about her gratitude for "taking Raven in." I am not her biggest fan. I am polite enough because I know she is trying. She has been diligent about paying her portion of Raven's school tuition. She also sends me monthly checks to cover any other expenses.
I don't touch them. I opened a savings account in Raven's name, so she can have some extra cash when she goes to college. Raven shares her mother's love for designer clothing and wants to attend FIT, Fashion Institute of Technology. She draws sketches for clothes. They are all unique, just like Raven. She shows me her designs and talks about the innovative materials she plans to use.
She also tells me about the different dance classes she is taking. With the amount of candy that the girl eats, I think dancing is the only reason she isn’t five hundred pounds. Not that it matters. Raven is so gorgeous, even fatness couldn't suppress her fierce beauty.
In turn, I talk to her about my shit life. I talk about the panic attacks I started experiencing a few years ago. Xanax helps, but I hate taking them. They come with the risk of getting addicted. When you have dependents relying on you, every risk needs to be assessed.
I talk about my challenging family. My mom has sunk deeper into depression. We have tried everything; psychiatrists, therapy, antidepressant drugs. All failed attempts. I don't know what to do with her.
Dad works hard to keep us afloat. We have more money coming in now, with his new visiting doctor position at the Cayman Islands. It was hard to watch the life being sucked out of him just to provide for us. The new job is much better.
He asked me before he accepted the position. And he makes it a point to fly back one weekend per month, so he is still present in the household. It was the right decision, but it's so hard not to have him around. I don't have a backup anymore. I didn't expect to become the guardian of my siblings at the age of eighteen. While my siblings are my life, they are difficult.
