Page 61 of The App Trap
“He’s good, Mum. He really wants to come and meet you.”
“Quite right too,” laughed Mum, before burying her nose into her word search.
Florence nodded towards the ward door. “We’re just going to get a coffee, Christine. Do you want anything?”
“Yeah, I want him to stop crying.”
I strained a smile and we went outside.
“Listen,” said Florence, grabbing both of my hands, “They’re moving your mother to the palliative care unit later on today.”
“The what? What's that?” I asked.
“It’s um… well, it’s… it’s the kind of… last place they go before… Darling, there’s no easy way of saying it. I’m so sorry. She’s my big sister,” she said, before bursting into tears and falling into my arms.
Life passed by so quickly. I remember when Florence was taller than me, now she fell just short of my shoulders. It was like no time had passed at all, and yet here we were.
We both cried. After we composed ourselves, we both went back in. Mum was doing a word search puzzle, with her spectacles perched precariously on her nose. She looked up over them at us.
“Where’ve you two been? Slagging me off, no doubt,” she said.
We sat with her for half an hour or so, and of course she seemed in good spirits with all that morphine partying through her veins. It just wasn’t Mum anymore, though. Her sparkle had gone. It was almost like she didn't really recognise me. She looked through me rather than into my soul. This was the hardest thing for me to accept.
“I’m gonna stay for a bit, darling,” said Florence. “Why don’t you head off?”
I didn't argue with her. Of course I didn't want to leave Mum for a minute, knowing how little time we had left together. I had to get out of that room, though. I felt bitter-sweet that the real Mum was being taken from me by a drug that was the only thing keeping her out of pain.
I drove home, and later on, Harry came over and we held each other on my bed, comfortable in silence. A bit like Mum and I when I used to get upset when I was younger.
“You know I’m just going out with you because your Mum’s dying, don’t you?” said Harry with a cheeky smile.
I spat out a laugh.
One of the things that I was beginning to admire about Harry was his directness. Any elephant in the room had no chance of keeping hold of its ivory when he was around.
“You’re a liar. You know what? You're great,” I said.
I stopped. Harry froze, then turned his head slowly towards me.
“You luuurve me, don’t you?” he said.
“What? Don't be ridiculous.”
He jumped up and repeated himself over and over again, then poked my ribs, which made me release an involuntary fart.
“Fuck off,” I laughed, unsure whether or not he had heard my latest release.
He stopped and looked me directly in the eyes before launching into a particularly peachy kiss. “Well, I think I might love you too,” he said.
Without missing a beat, I replied, “Me too. I fucking love you so much. Like loads. I’ve wanted to tell you for ages. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I think about you all the time and…”
“Well, I wouldn't go that far,” he interrupted.
My face fell.
“Jokes!” he said.
It was a welcome break from the emotional pandemonium that I’d been experiencing over the past few weeks, and the feeling of joy was a real release. But it didn't last long. My phone started ringing. It was Florence. I prepared myself for the hardest moment of my life.
