Page 62 of The App Trap
“Hello, darling. Now, don’t panic. Your mother has slipped into a coma.”
“What? No,” I said, before bursting into tears.
“I know, darling. We’ve been here before with Gran. We knew it was coming.”
“Okay, I’m on my way back there.”
“All right. I’ll see you soon. Palliative care ward. Drive careful. Finn’s on his way, too.”
I didn't need to tell Harry what was going on. He was a smart man. I fumbled around for my keys and ran around my room without really even knowing what I was looking for. Subconsciously, I knew that ‘keys, wallet, phone’ was all I needed, but I couldn’t think straight.
“Calm down. Take your time. Listen, I know I’m totally not family or anything, and tell me to fuck off if you want, but I can come with you. I won't come into the ward, cos, y’know, that’s your personal shit. But I’d like to… actually, fuck it, Iamcoming.”
I couldn't fight through my tears, even if I wanted to. Plus, I did want him there with me. “Okay,” I said.
We arrived at the hospital. Harry said he’d stay downstairs in the canteen, but I insisted he came with me. We made our way up to the Palliative Care Ward, and Harry said he should wait outside for now. I was in such an erratic state that I agreed.
I walked into the ward. That’s where I found Florence sitting with my mother; now a shell of a woman, lying on her side with her mouth wide open, letting out an horrific sound that I’d heard only once before. It sounded like her lungs were collapsing and re-building themselves with each breath. It was the very definition of a ‘death rattle’.
She was unconscious and stiff. I could no longer see my mother in that body. She was just about hanging on. Mum was always such a fighter, and so stubborn. She would never give up on anything. Except the booze.
Finn arrived at the same time, and couldn’t hold himself together. He pulled a couple of chairs right up to Mum’s bed and we each took one of her hands. Finn pressed his lips tightly against her palm. She continued to rattle.
“Just let go, Mum,” Finn said through his tears.
We were all thinking the same thing. She was totally holding on just for us. Her forehead seemed to be knotted in sheer, sweaty determination.
All of us sat in silence and watched her for the best part of an hour.
“Mum, we’re all okay. You can leave us now. Please don't hold on for us,” I said.
Florence got up and pretended to go and buy a coffee. I knew she needed to get out and have a chance to grieve for her sister, even though it wasn't ‘official’ yet. She knew, though. She had been here before with her mother. In fact, we all had. It was exactly the same. The same death rattle. The same everything.
After some time, Florence and Finn decided to go. It was probably a good decision. The three of us were putting ourselves through sheer torture watching the same breath pattern cycle over and over again. I knew deep down that Mum wouldn't pass away with us in the room. She wouldn't want us to be there for that.
I walked outside to check on Harry, who himself was being stubborn and refused to leave without me.
“Come and meet her. I know she can still hear us. I just want her to… you know.”
“I know,” he said.
We walked into the room. Mum’s condition was unaltered. I could see the horror on Harry’s face, maybe becausehehad been here before. That was to be a question for another time, though.
“Mum. I’ve brought someone here I want you to meet. This is Harry.”
“Hi, Mrs P,” said Harry.
“Anyway, today we announced to each other that we’re in love, and I think this is it for me, for the firsttime. I know it's what you’ve always wanted, and I think it’s happened. In fact, I know it has. So, I just want you to know, I’ll be all right. Don’t hang on for me, Mum. Please. I know you’ll always be with me.”
I let her hand go.
“It's true. I love your stupid son. Oh, hi… it's Harry again, by the way. Shame we couldn't meet under better circumstances, eh? Anyway, I know from him how much of a legend you are. He doesn't stop banging on about you. So, I just want you to know that I’ve met a lot of blokes in my time, and I mean a LOT…”
“Alright!” I interrupted.
“He’s the one. I’ll look after him for you. So, if you want me to take the baton, I’ll gladly do it. It’s so nice to meet you at last, Mrs P.”
Harry got up, bowed his head and walked out of the room. A tear rolled down his cheek as he signalled me to meet him downstairs.
