Page 38 of The App Trap
I made myself comfortable, gesturing for him to continue.
“Right, so she told me to leave the keys somewhere that she could find them easily, then she’d let herself into the flat, and we’d have mad, rampant sex. After that she’d leave––and get this––without even saying a word. Now, I’m a pretty adventurous guy. I mean, as you know, I mix my drinks.”
“True, I saw you mix still and sparkling water once,” I said.
Finn cocked a finger gun at me.
“Don't you think that this is quite a dangerouslittle sex game to be playing with somebody that you’ve never met before?” I continued, in a tone suggesting that I would never have risky sex with a stranger.
“Danger is something you just stop thinking about once you’ve been meeting strangers online over the years. I mean, it just doesn't register. Plus, I’m a copper. Nobody’s gonna mess with me, surely?” said Finn, pressing his glasses up against his nose, looking the least tough that any copper has ever looked.
“Years? But you’ve only been split up from Naomi a few months.”
“Hmm. Yeah, about that. Naomi may or may not have caught me in somewhat of a compromising position, which resulted in our impending separation,” admitted Finn at last.
“Okay, gonna need to break from this story and jump into the Naomi thing,” I said, making a mental note to go back to the previous story after this can of worms had crawled away.
“Well, I met a gorgeous guy on a fetish site, and he was kind of into these um… ‘slavery scenarios,’ shall we say?”
“Of course he was.”
“Anyway, Naomi wassupposedlyout working, and I kind of invited this dude round. He wanted me to act out a fantasy where I was his slave master. It’s quite a common thing these days, you know?”
“Actually, I do, yes.”
“So, anyway… we did… that.”
I shook my head at him before pressing on. “And let me guess… Naomi walked in mid-fantasy?”
“Yeah.”
“Oosh!”
“She didnottake kindly to the naked man tied to the bed with a ponytail butt-plug in his arse.”
“Sure. I mean, why would your wife possibly mind that?” I said.
“It all happened so fast and there was nothing I could do.”
“May I suggest we just keep that as our little secret?” I pleaded.
“A fine suggestion. So anyway… this Ocado woman,” Finn continued. “She was due to come around at 12. So, I stripped off naked, blindfolded myself, and sat in the comfy chair in my room, waiting for her. Then I started y’know, doing what I was ordered to, so that I’d be in the ‘required state’ when she arrived. I was doing this for about five minutes when I felt the slam of the door downstairs. My hearing wasn’t at 100%, because the blindfold was obscuring it somehow. Actually, that’s weird, isn’t it? Anyway, what Icouldhear coming up the stairs was definitely a female voice, but it was accompanied by anothermalevoice. I mean, naturally, I thought it was a couple of murderers.”
“But you’re a copper and nobody messes with you, right?”
“Exactly, but as if I tell people on dodgy apps that I’m a copper. Well, not unless they watch thoseCSIprogrammes and I’m trying to impress ‘em.”
“Of course. Silly me.”
“I thought about what I could do. The only option would have been to jump out the window, so there was no escape. You know what, I didn’t even think to take off the blindfold. I just kind of sat there; blinded, frozen to my seat and totally naked. What can I say? Your brain does weird things when you're in danger. Anyway, by the time mybedroom door opened, it was too late to do anything. I held my breath––as if that was going to help me. If anything, that would assist them in the murder, wouldn't it?” Finn laughed.
“Quite right,” I agreed.
“All I heard was a male gasp, the most profuse of apologies, and then my bedroom door slamming shut––hard. About thirty seconds later, the front door slammed. Then it clicked. Bloody estate agent! Then of course I cursed you for not telling me they were coming.”
“Oh yeah, apologies mate. All my fault. I mean imagine the conversation between the agent and the client? ‘Ooh, does the naked, blindfolded man come with the flat? I mean, it’s not a deal-breaker. Obviously, I can bring my own when I move in.’ Jesus, Phineas!”
“I know. What made it worse was that my date didn’t even turn up because she saw a man and a woman enter my flat and thought that I’d arranged some sort of orgy without her knowing. I explained to her afterwards that it was just an estate agent, and she said, ‘Well that’s worse. Why would I want to have sex with one of those?’ The whole thing is a complete mess and I’m very sorry that I’ve lost you £500,” said Finn, widening his eyes so much, he began to look like he had an inbuilt Snapchat filter.
