Page 5 of A Very No Strings Halloween
“Well, if it ain’t Mr. BigmouthChucklehead Fuckup Magee…”
My cousin Nolan has two speeds—threatening you with a good time and just plain threatening you. He’s a family man now, so the former happens a lot less than the latter, unfortunately.
“What? You don’t want people to know the beginning of your beautiful love story?”
“I just spent the last ten minutes explaining to Granny that poor, confused, wayward Billy was mistaken and it was, in fact, only me who was wildly drunk in Vegas, not the wonderful mother of my children.” Nolan puts a protective, loving arm around Cora as punctuation. She smiles at me, conveying that she appreciates the gesture but she doesn’t think it’s such a big deal. Cora’s good people. “Granny found that very believable,” Nolan says.
“That you were drunk?” I ask with a grin that eats all the shit.
“That you were confused. And lost.”
That’s it. I’ve had enough of this. “Oh yeah? I wasn’t too confused and lost to make this entire party happen without any help from anyone!”
“I think what Nolan was trying to say,” Cora tells me, her tone reprimanding her husband to stop giving me shit, “is that he just wants you to be as happy as he is.”
“Aye. Exactly that,macushla.” Nolan pulls her closer and kisses the top of her forehead. The fuckhead really does seem happy. Not in the way thatI’m happy. His happiness now comes from a deep well. Nolan looks back at me. “But alas, dear Billy’s not built for it. He wouldn’t be able to get a real girlfriend if the Tomcats’ season depended on it.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Mothahfucka, I could get a serious girlfriend if I wanted to—easy. Seven days a week and twice on Sunday.”
“Ya could not.”
“Could too.”
“Could not.”
“Could too!”
This is how it’s gone with us for about twenty-five years. It’s how I ended up in a hotel pool from five stories up. It’s how we both ended up driving a golf cart on the side of the highway while on a mission to get lobster rolls. It’s how I ended up becoming a beekeeper for an entire summer between sophomore and junior year.
The only difference now is that Cora is here to roll her eyes at us. And that I’m older. Wiser. Not as easily manipulated.
“Don’t bother, Nolan. You’re never going to get him to cave,” Eddie butts in.
Like I was born yesterday.
Nice try, Eddie. Too old. Too fuckin’ wise. Not gonna take the bait.
Nolan grins, a grin thatthreatens a good time for him and a wicked bad one for me. “You’re right, Eddie. He’s just. Too. Chicken.”
“That’s it,cocksucka—you’re on!” I yell, pointing a finger in Nolan’s face.
“Shall we wager a bet, then?” Nolan asks with an evil smirk that tells me the asshole had something in mind since before he walked over here. “A bet that says you won’t have a verified serious girlfriend by the time we’re all back here celebratin’ Granny’s ninetieth in November. And none of this fake-girlfriend malarkey Declan pulled with Maddie either.”
“Hey,” Declan snaps. “It was only fake for a couple of weeks.”
“Nolan,” Cora reprimands. “Don’t be mean.”
“If you lose this bet, you wear New York Rebels gear, head to toe, at a game where the Tomcats face the Rebels. And you will post pictures of yourself in said clothing on all of your social media.”
“You devious bastard. How dare you.”
“And if by some miracle you do, in fact, bring us a woman who is genuinely committed to being in a monogamous relationship with you,Iwill dress head to toe in Boston Tomcats gear at a game, even though they play the wrong kind of football.”
“I’ll take that action,” Eddie says. “If Billy wins, I will also wear Boston Tomcats gear in public and post pics of myself wearing said gear on my social media.”
That handsome little fuck. “You don’t give a shitone way or another whose team you’re wearin’. That doesn’t mean anythin’. It’s gotta have teeth, or you aren’t a part of this.”
“I have an idea!” Eddie’s adorable wife, Birdie, appears and chimes in. “If Billy wins, Eddie will wear Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Sherlock fan merch in public for one week.”
