Page 6 of A Very No Strings Halloween
His very impressive jaw clenches, even though he’s smiling at his little blonde bride. “What? That wouldn’t bother me at all, babe.”
“You’re on. That is happening.”
Eddie frowns at me.
“You poor, stupid fucks,” I say to Nolan and Eddie. “I’m gonna have a relationship so stable you could keep horses in it.”
“We’ll see, Billy Boyo. We’ll see,” says Nolan.
My phone pings again, and I walk away from Nolan and Eddie, giving them the Boston Salute as I go.
I finally take my phone out and open up my text messages.
Red:Well, if you happen to know a good pipe jockey, I’ve got some plumbing that needs to be fixed ASAP ;)
Red:It needs to be fixed real bad.
Red:And by “bad” I mean hard and fast.
Red:Let me know.
Yeah, I gotta bounce. In honor of my grandad, I do it in the manner of my ancestors. I go full Irish goodbye and say sayonara to no one as I blow this hole to go lay some pipe.
TWO
Donna
THE CAULKING DREAD
Mouth:Plumber is on his way to you. Wants to know if he should bring a drain snake or a caulk gun. Please advise.
That’s cute. I step into the leopard-print lace trim lingerie that I bought four years ago and haven’t worn since I started stress-eating my feelings. Or since I ate those two bags of fun-size Halloween candy that I got on sale in early September and drank all that beer for Oktoberfest.Here goes nothing…Inhaling, I lift the slip by its dainty little silk straps, but…it doesn’t want to slide up past my badonkadonk.
So close!
I can do this.
Iwilldo this.
I am trying to pull the stupid, frigging beautiful,delicate slip over my head and past my giant boobs when my phone starts playing the opening of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” It’s been my ringtone for a week, and it still freaks me out and cracks me up every time I hear it. Carefully reaching out to accept the call without tearing the seams of the nightie, I yell out, “After the week I’ve had, I need caulkanda snake! Give me five minutes!”
“Ach du lieber Gott, Mädchen!” comes the voice of my seventy-nine-year-old grandmother.
“Ohhhh heeeyyyy, Oma! Hang on a second!”
“Whatis going on over there?! Why does it sound like your boobs are squished?”
Sucking everything in, I pull the damn silk down over my boobs and hips with one frantic tug—and I don’t hear anything rip apart. The badonkadonk is adequately covered. It looks like my boobs are trying to hug my neck, but it’ll have to do. I just won’t be able to sit or breathe while I’m wearing this. I touch the speakerphone icon. “Sorry about that, Oma! Just got back from my shift, so I’m changing my clothes!”
“Whose cock is giving you only five minutes,Püppchen?” she asks, genuinely distraught. “You had better get a lot of foreplay! This is exactly why I am calling you. Why do you not have a proper boyfriend again to take care of you? Come back to Philadelphia, Donna. Let me help you find a man who treats you right.The men in Bostonschtink!”
“Yah. Like their sports teams!” My opa calls out in the background.
I want to laugh, but I can’t because my boobs are squished. “Oh, hey, Opa. I’m just waiting for a plumber to come over.” My grandparents are my favorite people, but I refuse to talk cock with them, no matter how much my oma sounds like Dr. Ruth. And I definitely don’t want to have thewhy don’t I have a proper boyfriendconversation.
“What is so bad you have to pay for a plumber at this hour?” My grandfather’s voice is so loud and deep on the phone, it always sounds like he’s mad at me. “Do you have a clog or a leak?”
“Um. Both? It’s not exactly an emergency—I just don’t feel like taking care of it all by myself tonight.” I spritz a musky perfume on my pulse points. Assuming there are pulse points in my cleavage and inner thighs.
