Page 5 of There Is Also a Dog
“Ten minutes?! Jilly, it’s Christmas Eve. Take a fifteen-minute vibrator break.”
“What’s a vibrator?” I hear my seven-year-old niece ask her through the pantry door.
Elizabeth freezes and stares at me, covering her mouth so her daughter can’t hear her laughing.
“Really?” I whisper. “You’re going to pretend you aren’t there? That’s your move?”
“Yes, Elizabeth.” I hear my brother-in-law say. “What’s a vibrator? And tell her she deserves a twenty-minute break. Merry Christmas, Jilly!”
“Thanks, Craig!”
My sister uncovers her mouth and tells me she has to return to her family gathering now. “Go fall in love with a small-town man with big feet and a cute dog and learn the true meaning of—” I don’t hear what she says because the video freezes and her voice echoes and then the call ends.
Shit.
I hope that wastheirconnection and not mine.
I’m just going to pretend she said “the true meaning of orgasms.”
I addDoggy Style (obvi)to my sextastic to-do list. Then I take another gulp of wine and open my Facebook account. When it finally loads, I look up “Mitchell Conrad,” and the first one who comes up is friends with Maddie Cooper, and silent night, holy flaking Christmas balls—he is gorgeous.
Like full lips-cleft in his chin-Superman shoulders kind of handsome.
And Clark Kent glasses.
Come on.
Come. On.
There is a better chance of getting struck by lightning twice while winning the lottery while Zac Efron is asking me to marry him than there is of this guy being single and straight.
And I have work to do.
And a ten-to-twenty-minute vibrator break to look forward to.
But there’s just something about his expression in the profile photo. Something in his eyes quietly calls out to me. It’s subtle, but it’s familiar, and it breaks my heart a little and softens it at the same time.
Or maybe I’m just horny and tired andhungry.
I writeReverse Cowgirlin my notebook,in perfect swirly handwriting, before striding over to the kitchen to grab a peppermint bark cookie, and then I grab my phone.
ME: Hi. You’re probably busy celebrating my ex’s nuptials but I have a question that in no way relates to the wedding. Is your friend Mitchell gay?
MADDIE: Hi! I totally get why you asked that, but the answer is no! He isn’t! And he’s single! And not a psychopath. Probably.
MADDIE: I meant he’s definitely straight and single and probably not a psychopath.
MADDIE: Also, this wedding is very boring, none of your friends are having a good time, and there definitely isn’t a photographer fromBridalmagazine here documenting how beautiful the décor is.
ME: Thank you for saying that. I love you very much.
ME: Are you sure he isn’t gay?
MADDIE: Yes! He’s been divorced for a little while, I think. Declan’s known him since college. Women hit on him all the time, and he’s just clueless. Always and forever a nerd, God bless him. If he’s being aloof with you, that’s just how he is. He’s nice, I promise. He’ll open up eventually.
ME: That’s interesting. He isn’t being aloof with me at all.
MADDIE: Really?! That IS interesting…
