Page 1 of A Very Friendly Valentine's Day
*December 29th*
EDDIE: Hey. In Ohio. My brother’s bachelor party has officially begun. There’s a really good chance I’ll black out and then wake up in Michigan at some point in the next 24 hours. So I just wanted to say thanks for being a good friend and I apologize in advance if I accidentally send you a picture of my ass or something.
BIRDIE: Yer welcome and thanks! I promise not to post your ass pic on Twitter again.
EDDIE: LOL. Sure. Lemme just tell my cousins from Boston and Ireland that I’m NOT gonna drink too much tonight. They’ll love that. How’s your day going, buddy?
BIRDIE: I’m working on my New Year’s resolutions and binge-watching Sherlock for the fourth time. So, it’s a rager, and needless to say, I’m highly aroused.
EDDIE: Thought you had a date with Sir Isaac I Can’t Eat Gluten.
BIRDIE: Edward. It’s not funny if he’s actually allergic to gluten.
EDDIE: First of all, yes, it is. Secondly, it’s really ducking clever because his name is Isaac, he’s a physicist AND he’s allergic to gluten. And because Gluten rhymes with Newton. In case you didn’t get that.
BIRDIE: I got it. Congratulations, you have been awarded the Nobel Prize for being a clever asshole. And I decided to cancel the date. Let’s just say the physicist and I had no chemistry.
EDDIE: He’s a bad kisser, isn’t he?
BIRDIE: I don’t know how you would know that since you’ve never even seen him, and I would never imply such a thing.
EDDIE: Elementary, my dear dork-dater. His name is Isaac, he’s a physicist and he took you to the Holocaust Museum for your first date.
BIRDIE: Because I had mentioned to him that I’d never been! He was being thoughtful.
EDDIE:
BIRDIE: Fine, he was a bad kisser. Shut up. Why are you texting me instead of bachelor partying right now?
EDDIE: I’m in a party limo with a bunch of dudes that I’m related to.
BIRDIE: Why aren’t you drunk texting your quote unquote Instagram girlfriend then?
EDDIE: First of all, I’m not drunk yet. Secondly, what kind of nerd types out the words quote unquote in a text instead of just using “”?
BIRDIE: What kind of bonehead has an “Instagram girlfriend” that he’s never even met? Asking for a very judgmental and concerned friend.
EDDIE: The kind who’s learned his lesson about dating costars.
BIRDIE: Yeah. You learned that lesson what? Seven times? Are those really your only options? Costars and models? Are you not ready to move on to pop stars or perhaps TikTok stars with a minimum of 40 million followers?
EDDIE: Would you care to discuss my other options, Birdie…? Because last time I checked, not EVERY woman is interested in unbearably good-looking, surprisingly smart and talented, totally hilarious, unequivocally nice actor dudes.
EDDIE: Hello? Paging Professor Nerdington.
EDDIE: Crickets.
BIRDIE: So, you aren’t drunk, but you’ve had two beers?
EDDIE: Starting my third Guinness now. How’d you know?
BIRDIE: Because you always get like this after two pints of dark ale.
EDDIE: Get like what? Awesome?
BIRDIE: Sure. Let’s go with that.
EDDIE: Anyway, I’m not texting Alana because she’s in St. Barts with her friends, remember? Or the Bahamas. Somewhere in the Caribbean. That’s why she isn’t coming to the wedding with me.
