Page 249 of The Holy Grail
“It’sourhouse,” Evan corrected him.
“It is?”
“Yes, jackass.”
Malcom laughed. “Jesus, it’s taken you long enough to believe it.”
Turning serious, he brought up the suggestion that he and Evan go in and get vasectomies. “I think it’s the easiest and best solution, to make sure we don’t have kids.”
“What’s a vasectomy?” Jacob asked from the far end of the couch, startling all three of them.
“It’s a grown-up thing,” Evan quickly said, getting up and going to Jacob. “What are you doing out of bed?”
“I miss Marshmallow.”
“Marshmallow?” Malcom asked, only to remember it was the name of the cat who had howled several times the night he and Jules had dinner with Paige and David. “Oh, your cat.”
Jacob nodded. “She always sleeps on my bed with me.”
“You know what?” Evan asked, and even though it was directed at the room in general, he was looking at Jacob. “I think we should all sleep on the couch together, like a slumber party. What do you say?”
Jacob nodded again, this time with enthusiasm, before launching himself on the couch, Superman style.
Chapter 87
The holiday gauntlet
Once the decision had been made to apply to École Ducasse, Malcom actually felt a sense of lightness settle over him, saturating every cell in his body. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this good about a potential life-changing decision, outside of going all in with Jules, then Evan.
Although he had felt pretty good about divorcing Gwen.
After creating an online account with École Ducasse, he filled out the official application form for the session beginning in August, submitted it, and paid the application administration fee.
With that done, Evan, being Evan, decided to institute an ‘as-little-English-as-possible’ policy in the house, as a way to immerse themselves in the French language and ease their transition when they moved to Paris. He also ordered Rosetta Stone.
He then made them all start watching old French movies, and used the French language option whenever possible on regular movies during the holiday season, which actually made movies likeHalloween,The Grudge,Scream,Friday the 13th,The Exorcist,Amityville Horror,Planes, Trains, and Automobiles,Elf,A Christmas Story,How the Grinch Stole Christmas,Home Alone,National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,andDie Hard, to name just a few, pretty funny to watch.
Bruce Willis as John McLane, saying, “Yippee-ky-yay, enfoiré,” instead of “Yippee-ky-yay, motherfucker,” had them all cracking up, and became their new catchphrase.
While Malcom was waiting to hear back from École Ducasse, Halloween rolled in, and while it had never been that big of a holiday for him, Jules and Evan decorated the front porch with childlike enthusiasm. Orange lights were strung around the door, half a dozen carved pumpkins were set on the steps with candles inside (Evan had way mad carving skills, making one look like Jack Nicholson’s face as he said, “Here’s Johnny!” after chopping through the bathroom door with an ax inThe Shining, and another one of the Rolling Stones logo). They also had a life-sized skeleton standing guard, large fake spiders and bats hanging from the porch overhang, and a cauldron filled with fake eyeballs and severed body parts. On the front gate, down by the curb, they’d hung a sign that said ‘ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK’ with fake blood splatters on it.
Malcom was pretty sure they wouldn’t get any trick-or-treaters, since he never had before, but he was wrong. He didn’t know if it was because his house was decorated for the first time, or if a bunch of families with kids had recently moved into the neighborhood, but the doorbell rang constantly.
Evan and Jules had also insisted they dress up—as the main characters fromTitanic.Jules was obviously Rose, and had found a long, red dress with black beads on it in a thrift store, looking not unlike the one Rose was wearing when she was going to take a header off the luxury liner’s stern. Cal Hockley was portrayed by Malcom, mostly because he actually had a tuxedo, which had been the majority of Cal’s wardrobe in the movie. Evan was Jack, in a pair of green khaki pants, a brown button-down over a white T-shirt, and tan suspenders that had been found at the same thrift store.
Malcom was pretty sure very few of the kids they handed out candy to had a clue as to who he, Jules, and Evan were supposed to be, though. More likely, they simply thought they’d come to a house with two dressed up people and their underdressed friend.
However, in the end, the only thing that really mattered was the full-size candy bars they were handing out.
David and Paige made a surprise visit with Julian and Jacob, so they could trick-or-treat at the house. The family had gone with aStar Warstheme, with David being Han Solo, Paige as Princess Leia, complete with the side hair buns, Julian as baby Yoda, and Jacob killing it in an R2D2 costume.
By the end of the first week in November, Halloween decorations had been switched out for a large Thanksgiving wreath on the front door, autumn-scented candles in the house, and garlands of fake leaves decorating almost every doorway, along with resin pumpkins on each stair tread. And while they resembled real pumpkins, they were light enough that Dawn Corleone was able to play with them, making them tumble down the stairs quite frequently.
Malcom was also notified that his application had been reviewed, and in light of the fact it wasn’t feasible for him to fly to Paris for the required interview, a zoom interview would be conducted instead.
The two days leading up to it seemed to pass in slow motion, and his nervousness was a real thing. He’d experienced anxiety before when taking his bar exam, but not like this, because this actually mattered more to him than passing the bar had. Sad, but true.
He made sure to look nice, but not like he was trying too hard, and enlisted Jules and Evan to help him. Together, they acted like a ‘glam-squad’, picking out Malcom’s clothes—a French blue (naturally) button-down shirt, charcoal-gray slacks, and his black dress shoes. Even though he would only be onscreen from mid-chest up, his squad insisted being fully dressed would give him more confidence than half-assing it with jeans and stocking feet.
