Page 40 of Nobody Wants Me
And those feelings I had been having for the past few minutes faded.They shattered.I should have known.
“Breakfast is ready,” I said.
I wasn’t going to pretend I hadn’t heard him.
“Fuck.”
I didn’t stick around to listen to his bullshit.Entering the house, I was not going to trash the food, but I was not going to force my company on a man who clearly didn’t want it.
Grabbing my plate, I stepped into the kitchen, slid my ass onto one of the stools, and then sat down.Picking up my fork, I dived into the food, not really tasting the saltiness of the bacon, nor the freshness of the eggs.I wanted to eat so I could get the hell out of there.
“Freya,” Victor said.
I ignored him.
I ate my breakfast, and it was hard to be rude to someone.I didn’t like it when people were rude, it tended to piss me off.
“Damn it, Freya, you weren’t meant to hear that.”
“Clearly,” I said.I wanted to cringe, because that was me paying attention to him and contributing to a conversation, and that pissed me off.The best way to deal with this kind of situation was to ignore him.That is what I needed to do.Ignore him.
“It’s not what I meant.”
I dropped my fork onto my plate.“Not what you meant?So you’re not under some kind of order to make this fucking marriage work?”I asked.Then, I hated myself because it had made me cuss out loud.I had not cussed in a long time.
I shook my head.“You know what, Victor.I don’t need your pity.I don’t want your company.Not if you have to be ordered to do it.We’re married, but you know what, we don’t have to act like it.”
And with that, I got to my feet and stormed out of the house.I had no idea where I was going.All I knew was I didn’t want to be near him.
I get it.I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.I’m not anyone’s anything.I didn’t even think Victor was falling for me or anything like that.I thought we were getting along, and that we might even become friends.But that was also a lie.
Neither of us would become anything.We were done.Our marriage was a farce, an arrangement.There was never going to be even a mutual understanding.I could live with that.
I kept storming away, only my name was being called, and I ignored him.I didn’t need him to force himself to spend time with me.I was not that desperate.
I wanted to scream.That feeling took me by surprise.Why was it so hard to like me?What was it about me that repulsed everyone?Why ...what did I do wrong?
Even as I hated myself for doing this, I stopped stomping and looked straight ahead, only it was all blurry.Tears filled my eyes, and I swiped at them, trying to clear my vision, but nothing would help.I couldn’t stop the tears.I don’t know why I was crying.Over the years, I had cried enough tears.Sinking onto the sand, I just give up.
What exactly had I done to deserve this?I followed the rules.Other than not getting plastic surgery, I did everything else.Followed the right path.Yet, it was not good enough.
My father hated me.My own mother didn’t even stick around long enough to know my name.The nannies that came into my world hated me.No one has ever liked me.
What did I do wrong?That question kept ringing in my head, and was driving me crazy.
And then I screamed, throwing myself away from Victor.He had caught up with me and wrapped his arms around me, but I didn’t want his comfort.I didn’t want anything from him.
“Leave me alone,” I said.
“You need to come home,” he said.
“Fuck you.What did I ever do to you?I try to build bridges with you, and you just tear them down.You know what, you are a shitty husband, and I don’t want to have kids with you, because I don’t want you to touch me.Sex with you is awful.I don’t even know why people are so obsessed with it.”
I stand there and throw every morsel of pain, and then I don’t feel better.All I did was tell him the truth.I hated myself.
“Freya, you can hate me and I know I’ve been shitty, but we’ve got to get inside.A storm is brewing, and we can’t be out here.That’s why Ivan was on the phone.He called me to tell me what to do.We’ve got to get inside right now.”
I looked over my shoulder, and sure enough, I saw the dark cloud looming.Even the weather doesn’t have time for my tantrums.I wanted to scream.But instead, I just get to my feet, and with Victor by my side, holding my hand, we run to the house.
