Page 45 of My Song for You
Although from the way Jared had looked at me in the diner, “love” wasn’t in his vocabulary when it came to me. “Throttle” would’ve been a better word.
Once home, I went straight to my bedroom and parked my purse on the floor next to the desk. I could hear Logan’s favorite TV show through the wall.Shit. I can’t do this.
I closed my eyes, willing time to turn back three weeks. Instead of going to the grocery store when I did—the day I bumped into Jared—I’d wait until the next day. I would’ve willed time to go back to the day before Alexis and my parents died, so that they would still be alive, but that might’ve been a little greedy. Best to aim small.
I reopened my eyes and walked into the living room. Clearly I hadn’t willed hard enough (or however it worked). Jared was on the couch, watching TV with his son.
He gave me the standard chin nod and went back to the show. Unlike in the past, the smile of greeting was absent. My heart free-fell from its location in my chest, conveniently knocking my ovaries out cold. But that was okay. I didn’t require them anyway.
“Mommy!” Logan scrambled from the couch, which suddenly looked as worn as I felt, and flung his small body at me. I gathered him in my arms and held him tight. His body was warm against the chill that now filled the room. I kissed his cheek and let him go so he could return to his show.
I entered the kitchen and placed the Black Forest cake in the fridge.Breathe in. Breathe out.Simple, really. As long as I remembered to do those two things, I would be fine.
Jared remained in the living room with Logan while I cooked dinner. Normally he would’ve joined me and we would’ve talked about our day and about those years before our lives had moved in different directions.
This time, instead of laughter, silence crowded the space.
I focused on making dinner and keeping myself together, for Logan’s sake. During dinner, while we ate, I did my best to smile even though I was dying on the inside.
And the Academy Award goes to…
Once we were finished, I cleared away the dinner dishes and returned with the dessert.
“Yay,” Logan cheered.
I cut him a small slice and handed him the plate. “Do you want to go to the park after dinner?” I asked him. “You can bring your soccer ball.”
“Are you and Jared playing with me?”
“I don’t know about Jared, but I definitely am.”
Jared smiled at his son. “Me too.”
We finished our cake and headed to the nearby field, Logan proudly carrying his ball. Growing up, neither Jared nor I had played soccer. Beach volleyball, yes. Soccer, no. So I was surprised at how skilled he’d become.
“When did you learn to dribble a ball like that?” I asked.
“Nolan played soccer as a kid. The band and the roadies used to play whenever we had downtime before the shows. Nolan taught the guys in the band a thing or two because he got tired of always losing to the roadies.” He chuckled.
That was the only time he laughed while talking to me. He cheered Logan on and goofed around with him, but as far as he was concerned, I was the leper he wanted to keep his distance from.
By the time we had finished playing, Logan was too tired to walk home.
“You want a piggyback ride?” Jared asked him.
“What’s a piggyback ride?” Logan looked around, as if searching for piggies.
Jared flashed me a look that could have easily been translated asWhat kind of fucking parent are you to have deprived my son of a piggyback ride?
I simply shrugged. I was hardly going to admit that I’d been paranoid about dropping Logan, so I had never attempted it.
I helped Logan onto Jared’s back and we walked home. With each step that I took, the bigger the knot in my insides became, to the point where I didn’t think I’d ever be able to untie it.
Once Logan was in bed and Jared had read him a bedtime story, I tucked him in and kissed him good night. And for the first time since he was diagnosed, I was glad Logan was deaf. At least then he wouldn’t hear what Jared and I were saying—and, I hoped, neither would the neighbors.
I was standing by the living room window, staring out but seeing nothing, when Jared entered. His reflection moving in the window jarred me out of my trance.
“So when the fuck were you planning to tell me that Logan ismyson?”
