Page 83 of Milo
TWO WEEKS LATER
Milo
My leaving party is suitably raucous for something that’s been organised by Niall and Oz. Everyone I’ve ever known in Cornwall has seemingly gathered in the Great Hall which has been decorated with a multitude of balloons and streamers. Even the suit of armour has a paperchain boa and a slightly jaunty paper hat.
I look up as Oz falls onto the sofa next to me. “Okay?” I ask, shouting slightly over the window-rattling volume of the music.
He smiles, his blue eyes shining brightly in the light from the tall window. “I’m fine.” He shoots me a penetrating look. “How about you?”
I look around the hall filled with all the people eating and talking and laughing. A ray of sun shines through the paned glass, laying a stripe across the worn carpet and highlighting Niall like a spotlight. He’s dressed in dark jeans and a black turtleneck and looks gorgeous, his hair gleaming in the light. As if sensing my gaze, he turns his head and smiles at me. It’s wide and warm but somehow less than usual, like he’s operating a dimmer switch.
I turn back to Oz to find him examining my face as if he’ll be tested on it later. “I’m fine,” I say quickly.
He hums under his breath as he fits himself into my side, and we sit companionably sharing body warmth and watching my party. After a few minutes, he stirs. “I’ll miss you very much. You do know that, don’t you?”
I smile at him. “I’ll miss you too. I’ll miss you all.” I pause. “I’m surprised that you haven’t had much to say about it.” Surprised and a little hurt. He and Silas had taken the news quietly and almost resignedly, and it’s never been raised since unless we were talking logistics.
He shakes his head, a frown of concentration on his face. He’s watching Mrs. Granger and Molly intently, but somehow I get the impression that his mind is working furiously on something. “What could I say?” he says quietly. “You’ve made your mind up.”
“Isn’t it what you originally wanted though? A few months ago, you were telling me to branch out and go out into the world.”
He smiles. “I should stop talking, shouldn’t I? Silas is always telling me I’ll talk my way into trouble.”
I shake my head. “You’ll never change, and I wouldn’t want you to.”
“But youhavechanged,” he says suddenly, turning to me. “I couldn’t see it at first because we spend all our time together, but that time away has made me see how far you’ve come.”
“Still more to do,” I say somewhat morosely, and he sends one of his intense quicksilver glances at me.
“There’s always something more to do,” he says quietly. “We’re never finished with our own evolution.”
I stare at him. “That’s so profound.”
He sighs. “I know. People always miss how very switched on I am with my inner being.”
“They don’t miss how switched on you are about feeding your stomach.”
“Three meals a day, Milo. It’s only right.”
I laugh but he stares at me intently. “Milo, you could work on yourself from here until the end of days and never finish. That’s part of being human. But I think it’s better to do it with someone by your side. Someone who pays attention to the differences and lauds them. It must get awfully lonely doing something good and having no one to notice.”
“I have to go,” I say hoarsely. “I need to do something myself, not be rescued and looked after. I need to show people that I’m okay. I don’t need him always trying to make me happy. That won’t make him happy in the end.”
“You don’t need to show anyone,” he says softly. “Just yourself. That’s the person you shouldn’t lie to.” He cocks his head to one side. “I know Niall is wonderful, but he’s not the one who worked through speech therapy. I don’t see him struggling most days with getting his words out. I don’t see him making his way through every day watching people and making sure they’re happy. It’s you that did all that.” He smiles. “But I do see him cheering you on. I see him so proud of you.” He looks intently at me. “You should let him be proud of you rather than making it into something it isn’t.”
“Something it isn’t?”
“It isn’t a power that he has on his own,” he says simply. “The power here is half yours, but you’ve never looked closely enough at yourself to know that you wield it. Just remember that while he might be making you happy, you’re doing exactly the same to him. That’s a tremendous power, Milo, the gift of being able to make the person you love most in the world happy by just being you. It’s not given to everyone, so take care of it.”
I stare at him, struck dumb by his words. “What do you really think about me going?”
“I don’t want you to follow a path that belongs to the past you. I want you to create a path all of your own for the future you. One that takes you to tremendous places.” He smiles. “I just want you to be the one who sees the way.” He shrugs. “If that leads you away to the bright lights, then so be it. Just make sure that it’s what you really want.”
His words stay with me all night as the party finishes and when Niall and I lie sated in bed. His even, sleeping breaths skate over my skin as I lie on my back with my arms around him. I can hear the wild wind outside and the scattershot sound of the rain as it’s thrown against the window. But inside it’s warm and peaceful and safe.
It occurs to me suddenly that I won’t be here when the spring comes. I won’t see Niall’s house in the sunshine when the smell of fresh-cut grass is heavy on the air. I’ll be here a lot, of course, but it will be a temporary occupation when my real home will be in London.
The bed moves and a dark shape jumps up next to me. “Dotty?” I whisper and she chirrups, and suddenly her nose is nudging my hand to stroke her. “Oh lovely,” I whisper. “Nowyou want to know me. The night before I go away. I was right. You are a tiny tabby psychopath.”
