Page 38 of A Twist in Fate
08/17
I'm sitting upright in my bed when Ivy sneaks in, slipping through the door but she stays there silently. She leaves in two days. She leaves the day after the children do. Honestly, I'm trying to come to terms with it. Any moment I spend with her from now on I am lucky to have, and it would be unfair to both of us if all I focused on while she was with me is the fact that she is leaving.
In two days.
I feel as if I say it often enough. Maybe the number will change, and it has been changing every day, but it only lowers. I don't know why part of me is hoping that it doesn't. That something will happen that will change everything. That we can stay togetherafter tomorrow night and spend every single spare moment with one another.
“Are you okay?” I force myself away from my thoughts and move further down the bed, toward Ivy who, moments later, is still standing quietly at the door. I can't explain why but her hesitance creates instant panic inside me. She looks almost as nervous as the day we first met.
She only nods as a reply to my question staying in the same position by the door. She can't meet my eyes and keeps shifting her weight between each foot. I tilt my head to the side and take in her appearance. She's wearing familiar pyjama shorts and a shirt that almost covers her completely. It takes me a moment to realise the shirt covering her is mine. Both are white and I think I wore the shirt when we went out once. I smile as I get up from where I am sitting, walking over to her.
I lift up the hem of her shirt lightly to place my hands against the skin of her waist. “How long have you had this?” I ask, planting my hands firmly on her hips to pull her close. A blush comes across her face in an instant.
“Not long,” she mumbles under her breath, and I laugh quietly. I lean down and kiss her cheek gently.
“C'mon, sunshine. You can't try to hide that something is wrong from me.” When she doesn't sayanything and adverts her gaze from mine, I decide there's only one thing I can do.
Ivy squeals as I lift her up from her waist and place her laying down on my bed. I hover over her and my hands right over the ticklish spot on her waist. She starts to squirm around the bed and laughs nervously.
“Okay! Okay! I’ll tell you anything,” she screams out. “Please don't tickle me again. I hate it.” I smile and sit up in front of her, waiting for her to do the same. She takes a deep breath before speaking and I can see the nerves bubbling up inside her once again. “I don't want you to be offended or upset because this is nothing against you but I want to spend tomorrow night with Bailey like we did when I first arrived here.” She's moving her arms as she speaks, unable to make eye contact with me. I slowly reach my hands across to her, drawing patterns on her thighs which usually calms her down. “I don't want you to be upset that this is our last night together and I just want to sleep and be happy. I'm sorry but this is what I want. Bailey is the reason I came here and over anything she is my best friend.” Her voice is growing louder, and her eyes meet mine fiercely. “And Lucas if you have a problem—”
“Ivy,” I interrupt her, my voice soft. Her eyes are back on mine as I keep speaking, stilling my hands on her. “I think that's a really good idea. You and Bailey should spend tomorrow together. She is the reason you are here, and I really love spending these nights together but—”
I stop myself for a moment. I want to say that we can’t spend tomorrow night together because I couldn't bear spending a night with her knowing the next day she will be leaving. I want to say that being with the one you're not allowed to love is hard enough. But I don't. I can't.
“I really like your eyes.” My head snaps up instantly to hers.
“What?” I say, stunned.
“I'm sorry.” Ivy says, “I know you were talking but then I was looking at your eyes and I got distracted. They are like the ocean, and I noticed that when I first met you but now, I notice the small swirl of green in the centre. I love them.”
“You're not allowed to apologise for things like that.” My heart is beating faster in my chest and goosebumps cover my skin. I move my hands up to her face and kiss her deeply. I bring her closer, onto my lap and hold her tightly as I do. She was right. It is nice pretending. A weekago, I was convinced I would tell her I was in love with her before she left. I had even planned a whole date around it but now I can't even bear to think what would happen if I had. It was supposed to be a perfect night, and I probably would have ruined everything if it was.
I lay us both down as I break the kiss, holding her close to my chest just like every other night. I repeat that in my mind.
This is just like every other night.
This is just like every other night.
This is just like every other night.
This is not the last night that I get to hold her like this.This is not the last night I will get to love her.
“What's wrong?” Ivy asks, lifting up her head to look me in the eye. She places her hand over my chest. She looks nervous again and all I want to do is hold her and tell her that she has nothing to worry about. I can't lie to her. “Your heart is beating so fast,” she breathes out.
“I'm sorry,” I focus on a scratch on the wall. “I'm just thinking about the next two days. I don't want to say goodbye to anyone.” Even though it's the children that are leaving tomorrow, we both know I mean mainly her. I am spending the last few weeks of summer at home, so I will see Daisy, Bailey and Mom almost every day.
“Me too,” she whispers before leaning up to kiss me. She pulls away and as she stares into my eyes for a moment, I watch tears well up in hers. I quickly roll onto my side and scoot down the bed to be eyeline with her. Ivy’s bottom lip starts to quiver, and I feel instant pain in my chest. “Lucas, I'm scared to be alone,” she says in the same hushed tone.
“You won't be alone.”
“I will. I won't have any of you guys, my best friends, and I won't have my parents. I'll be alone. I won't even have you. I won't be allowed to talk to you, and the time difference means I won't be able to talk to Bailey often. I'm finally in a place where I'm with friends and people I love who aren't family. I love home and my parents, but I’ve never had anything like this. I'm scared to lose that.” She shaking ever so slightly, and I can see her looking up, trying not to let the tears fall.
I put her face in my hands, my fingers wrapping around her waves round the back of her head. “Sweetheart, you won't be alone. All of us will be there for you if you need us. You and Bailey will always be best friends. I know it's scary, but you are the sweetest person ever and so easy to love. You will find people at university who see that in you. I know it.”
Ivy wraps her arms around me, pulling herself closer to me. She nuzzles her face into my collarbone, and I can feel the tears fall as they travel down my neck and along my shoulder. “A part of me just thought this summer wouldn't be ending. I just thought there would be a reason I'd stay. I thought it would all change and I can't explain it, but it feels like it has.” I wonder if she means that she believed we would stay together like I did.
“I thought that too,” I say. The silence is deafening. I use it to think for a moment. She is right. It does feel like there has been a change in our lives, something monumental. I think a part of me refuses to accept this was our inevitable end of the road. Nothing has changed. She is still leaving. I move my hand around into the back of her hair, twirling the dark curls around my finger and watching them spring back up as I pull down on them slowly. I know now that it was obvious she would leave in the end. Mom was right that we would both be hurt but I meant what I had said to her. Ivy will always be worth it. She has been worth it.
