Page 61 of When We Were Magic
He isn’t doing so good. His lips are white and his eyes are wide and I’m not sure if he’s going to pass out or not. Beads of sweat stand out on his scalp. He opens his mouth once like he’s going to talk, and his jaw trembles and then snaps shut again. I’ve never seen his nostrils flared so wide. He glances up at me, then back down at my hand, and I wonder if he’s about to say that he loves me anyway.
After a long silence, he opens his mouth again. “This … um.Thisis who you are?” he asks tentatively, reaching out to touch one of the orchids and hesitating with his fingertip an inch away from it.
“Well. I didn’t know I could dothat,” I whisper. “But yeah. I guess this is who I am.” He doesn’t touch the orchid. He curlshis finger back away from it. When I look up, he’s got an expression on his face that I can’t read. He’s still wide-eyed and pale, and I can’t tell if he’s scared or angry or sad or … what. “Pop?”
“Yeah, bug?”
“Say something.”
He starts nodding as if he’s agreeing with something I didn’t say. “We’ve got to show your dad,” he says. My eyes fill with tears again. It’s not a bad answer, but it’s not a good one either. He looks up at me, and I see that his eyes are shining too. “We’ve got to show him,” he says, “because, damn, kiddo. This is the most amazing, beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
I blink back the tears hard. “Really?”
“Can I hug you? Is that okay? I’m sorry I called you ‘kiddo’ again, I just.” He doesn’t finish the sentence, and he doesn’t blink back his tears. They start streaming down his cheeks one at a time, sliding along his jaw and dropping off his chin with loudplops.
“Yeah,” I say, “that’s okay.” And Pop wraps his arms around me, and I finally let myself lean into him. The neck of his sweater is damp with tears. It’s been a long time since I’ve let either of my dads hug me for longer than a few seconds, and it doesn’t feel the same as it used to. When I was little, it felt like the only safe place in the whole world. Now it’s nice, but also kind of awkward, like trying to fit into clothes that are just a little too small.
I’m so glad he didn’t say that he loves me anyway. And as he hugs me and cries, something occurs to me that should haveoccurred to me a long time ago. That should have occurred to me while he was telling me the story about his mom.
The thing he was probably expecting me to tell him.
“Pop?”
“Yeah?” His voice is strained.
I clear my throat. “You, um. You know I’m not straight, right? I know we’ve never really talked about it, and I kind of assumed that you guys knew, but. In case I have to tell you. I don’t totally know what the right word is for what I am, but … I’m definitely not straight.”
He laughs in that way that you do when you’re crying and overwhelmed and so, so, so thankful that there’s something,anything, to laugh about. “Yeah, bug.” He kisses me on top of the head. “I know.”
“Is it okay that I don’t want to talk about it?”
“Sure,” he says. “But if you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or any kind of partner-person, I’d like to know.”
I hold back a smile. “I don’t. Yet.”
“Are you going to soon?”
“I don’t know.” I laugh, sitting up. “I don’t even know if I should ask her out or not.”
“Well, when you’re ready to, know that you have my blessing,” he says. “Roya’s always welcome in our family.”
“Wait, what did you—”
“Yeah,” he says. He wipes his face on the hem of his sweater, then slaps his knees with both palms. “Now, come on. We’ve got to go find your dad and blow his mind.”
18.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TOLDthem.” Marcelina cups her hands around the pile of kindling she’s crafted. “After all those years of arguing about whether or not any of us should tell any of our parents, I can’t believe you’re the one who broke first.” Her fingernails are dark with dirt, and the smell of turned earth lingers in the air around us. The kindling forms a perfect pyramid, rising out of the hole we’ve dug in a far corner of her family’s sprawling yard. I’m half lying down in the grass, damp with sweat from the digging.
I’m digging so much these days.
“Me either,” I say. “It feels like a dream.” I flinch as the words leave my mouth—I shouldn’t use the word “dream” so lightly anymore. Just like the word “explode.” They both have a new flavor now. A bitterness.
Smoke spirals up from the kindling. Marcelina doesn’t move her hands, but her forehead creases with focus. “Bad dream or good dream?”
“I’m not sure. I mean, they took it better than I could have hoped. But at the same time …”
“Yeah,” she says, nodding. I don’t say anything for a few minutes, letting her concentrate on heating the kindling enough to get a fire started.
