Page 39 of In the Middle of No(ah)where
Noah leans in for another kiss. "Why don't you make yourself comfortable in the living room and find a book to read while I finish up here. Then we can properly talk about things."
"I have my drawing pad in my backpack. Can I draw instead," he asks.
Since it's away from screen time, I'm down for it.
"Of course."
18
Noah
"NoNo!" Caleb blurts out when he answers the phone. I feel like it's been forever since I've hung out with him. I need to do better and schedule a playdate soon.
"Hey, buddy, how are you?" I ask, knowing he's in little space by the nickname he called me.
"Grrrrrreat," he tells me. "I play wit Teddy. We colorin’.” Teddy is the bear he got from Barrett on one of their dates, and he's little Caleb's new best friend. They do everything together, and it's the most adorable thing ever.
"Aw, that sounds like fun. We should schedule a playdate soon. I miss hanging out with you outside of work." I admit fondly, listening to the crayons scratch across his coloring book that I assume he's coloring–it's his favorite.
"I'd like dat."
"Can I talk to big Caleb for a second? I need a favor." I love how he is so fluid in his age regression and can slip out of it just enough that I can have my adult conversation without pulling him entirely out of the headspace.
"Okay, what's up?" He says, still coloring.
"I need a huge favor. Can you cover my shift on Sunday morning? I have something important I need to do." I wish I could muster the courage to tell him what it is, but I'm still trying to accept it myself. If too many people know, I may not go through with it, and then I'll feel like a failure even more.
"Of course. I had no plans yet, and the extra money would be nice to buy new crayons." He tells me, and I make a mental note to pick up a new pack since he's doing me a favor.
"Thanks. I owe you one. If you ever need me to cover a shift for you, let me know."
"Will do. Lunch soon?"
"Totally. My treat. Well, I'll let you get back to coloring. Give Teddy a big squeeze from me," I tell him and get a giggle in response.
"Bye, NoNo," he tells me as he slips back into little space.
"Bye, Buddy."
The morning of the campus open house, my stomach doesn't feel so good. I've been a ball of nerves, and my brain has been going in a million directions. I try playing video games and getting into my middle mindset, but the chaos is too much. It's been a while since I've thought about adding any new scars to my arm, but I need something to calm the noise.
A knock on the door has me flinching. A look at my phone tells me it must be Marcus, and he's a bit early.
Opening the door, Marcus' smile fades when he sees me. "What's wrong?" he asks as I let him into the apartment. He cups my face in his hands, and I feel my eyes sting, and a tear slides down my cheek. Marcus places a kiss there to wipe it away.
"I can't get the chaos to stop? I tried talking to Purin, playing my video game, drawing…nothing is working," I tell him in a frantic voice. My fingers find their way under my sleeve, and my nails dig into the flesh of my scarred arm. I don't even realize I'm doing it until Marcus places his hand over mine and pulls me into him–chest to chest. His arms come around me, and I already feel safe.
"You're going to be okay," he whispers.
"I need your help, Daddy." The wordhelpis hard to admit, but it's the truth. I need him. I need him to help me calm the chaos.
"I think I have an idea that might help. Is Carlos around?" He asks while looking around the room.
I shake my head. "No, he's staying at Jasper's house all weekend."
"Good." He takes my hand and leads me over to the couch. "Since I'm early and we have time, let's talk first, and then I want to try something."
I nod my agreement.
