Page 40 of In the Middle of No(ah)where
"I know we talked a little about your cutting, but can you share with me more?"
My shoulders relax because I know I'm safe with Marcus. "It started subtly," my voice barely a whisper, my gaze fixed on the swirling patterns of the modern rug beneath my feet. "Small cuts, barely noticeable, almost like a secret language I was speaking only to myself.A way to… to feel something other than the chaos. It would quiet it." I pause; goosebumps speckle my arms at the sharp, visceral memories. But Marcus' presence anchors me in the present.
"Chaos," Marcus echoes softly, his voice a gentle caress."That's what you said before." He doesn't elaborate. Doesn't need to. It's an unspoken understanding between us. The demons I battle.
I take a deep breath to steady myself. "It was a way to feel…in control," I continue."Or at least, that's what I told myself. The pain, the blood… it was a tangible manifestation of the turmoil inside. A way to externalize the chaos that was consuming me."
I recount the crushing weight of expectations and the relentless criticism that drove me to the brink. I describe the relentless cycle of self-doubt, the gnawing insecurity that fueled my self-destructive behavior.
It all left me feeling utterly alone.
Worthless.
"When my parents found out, they made me feel so shameful. They treated me like an outcast. I felt so disgusted with myself. I saw a therapist, and that's when I discovered video games as a way to escape." I pause to take a break. "I've always been afraid of letting anyone get too close. See me for who I truly am. Then you came along," he squeezed my hand. "You didn't even know me and stepped in when I was freaking out about slipping into middle space for the first time. That day, you didn't know it, but you healed something inside me. I didn't feel alone. The fear of rejection was still there, but also something else. Hope."
Marcus listens patiently, his gaze unwavering, his presence a silent testament to his support. He doesn't offer empty platitudes or quick fixes; instead, he provides his presence, a safe space where I can unfurl this pain without judgment, without the fear of being condemned.Marcus validates my emotions, unlike my parents.
"It wasn't a cry for attention," I clarify. "It was a way to…to cope. A way to silence the voices in my head, the voices that told me I was worthless, a failure."
"I hear you," Marcus says softly, his voice a balm to my raw emotions."And I believe you." He reaches over and places his hand on mine. Voice firm. "Noah. I want to try something with you that I think may help ground you. Do you trust me?"
I don't even have to think about it. Of course, I do. It's a strange feeling, but I've always felt calm around Marcus.
"Of course."
"And you remember your safeword?"
"Yes. The traffic lights." I confirm.
"Noah. Stand up." He demands, and I instantly follow his direction. "Have you ever been spanked?"
I feel my face get hot as I shake my head. "No. But I've been curious about it." I've even watched spanking porn and have dreamt of Marcus paddling my ass.
"When done correctly, a Dom can send their sub into a headspace called subspace. If you're open to it, I'd like to give it a try. It would be a great way to help the chaos and get you out of your head–a release.
I kneel in front of Marcus. I don't feel very submissive by nature. Still, I've seen enough videos that I want to play into Marcus' need for dominance. Sort of a role-play scenario. He's always helping me; maybe I can offer this to him in return. Who knows? Perhaps I'll unlock a new kink I like.
As I get comfortable on my knees, I bow my head slightly. Waiting.
"Daddy. Will you spank me?" I ask softly. He rubs his hand over my head and then across my jaw. He doesn't say anything. "Please…Sir."
I hear an audible growl come from his throat. His thumb and finger on my chin lift my head to look at him. When I see his eyes, his pupils have been blown full of lust. "You really want this Noah?" He asks.
"More than anything. I want you to claim me. Like in the books we read. Mark me." I all but beg. My breath came out heavier.
"Well, there are different types of spankings," he tells me. "As much as I would love toclaim you, as you put it, this is more therapeutic."
"Isn't it all the same? You get to smack my ass." I grin.
"The headspace for both of us is different. Today, it's not about orgasms and getting off. It's not about heat and passion. Sexual. It's about clearing your head. We are doing this to offer you a headspace release, not a release down there." He motions to my crotch.
I nod in understanding.
"Stand up."
I comply with his demand.
Marcus leans back on the couch. Inspecting me up and down. "You truly are beautiful, Noah."
