Page 56 of Curtain Call
“Joking aside,” Dr. Rick takes a more serious tone to bring the session back on track after checking the little clock, “How is the journaling going? Have you moved to complete sentences yet?”
Riley laughs.
“Yes, but I have only been writing a little bit to get the hang of it. I’m not used to writing my thoughts and feelings.”
“I have an assignment for you,” Dr. Rick says.
“Homework. Really?” Riley says with a grin.
“Of sorts. I feel like you were holding back more about Colin. I want you to write him a letter. It can be of your feelings for him. You can write an apology. You can ask him for an apology. Whatever you are feeling, write it to him. You don’t have to send it, just write it.”
Riley groaned, “I’ll try.”
The little timer goes off. Riley swears Dr. Rick planned this right at the end so he couldn’t protest the assignment because there wasn’t enough time.
“You’re ready. And I’ll see you in a few days.”
Journal Entry
January 17th
Dear Colin,
I don’t know where to begin. I’m trying to write this letter and my thoughts are all over the place. There is so much I want to tell you but I feel like it’s all wrong. I wish I was brave enough to call you and tell you this over the phone, or better yet, in person. But I’m not brave. All that you have endured through your hardships with losing your parents, taking over the theater, and just trying to take things a day at a time, shows that you are the brave one and I wish I had an ounce of it.
Anyway, I will start this by saying how sorry I am for everything. That’s such a cop-out. I’m now sorry for that too. Maybe I can make a list? Although I’m not really a list kind of person. Maybe I should be? Anyway.
1.
I’m sorry for lying to you about my eating disorder. I thought it was under control and it wasn’t.
2.
I’m sorry for hurting you.
3.
I’m sorry for telling you to fuck off. I was angry. I was also hungry. I was hangry. But that’s no excuse. It was a crappy thing to say and I didn’t mean it. I was also hurt that you didn’t fight for me. You just walked out and I probably would have done the same thing if the tables were turned.
4.
I’m sorry that I was a crappy boyfriend. Boyfriend? Are we still together? I can only hope this isn’t the end.
5.
I’m sorry for ruining your Christmas. It was the first one you felt in the holiday spirit, and I shit all over it. In a dream world, we would have a redo next year, at least as friends. However, You will probably realize there are normal people out there and be dating someone new by then. I wouldn’t blame you. When I survey the damage done here, I am the only one to blame.
I’m sure there are more things that I can be sorry for, but this is a start. Just know, you have been my best friend for many years, and I know it’s going to take some time to get back to one another in a comfortable space.
I’m not sure whom you have spoken to, but I am doing great in my program. I checked myself in because I wanted the help and realized I couldn’t do this on my own. I would like to romanticize it and say that I am doing this for you, but I’m not. I’m doing this for me. I want to romanticize you coming here and me running into your arms and everything being forgiven, but that’s not what I want either. I want this time for me. To focus on my health and my journey. Until I can stand on my own two feet, I need to go this alone for a while.
You have been the love of my life since as far back as I can remember, and you will always have a special place in my heart. But Colin, I have to let you go for now. Please remember our great times together and not those last few moments.
I wish you a world of happiness, and I know that we will be friends again someday. Take care of yourself.
Yours,
Riley
