Page 55 of Curtain Call
Dr. Rick laughs and folds his hands on top of his lap before leaning back in the chair.
“I see you’re reverting back to the stage. So, tell me, is this to hide something, or are you being genuine? Talk to me.”
“Just having some fun,” Riley shrugs.
“I’m glad this is fun for you. That’s a big step, and I like to see my patients doing well, as long as they’re not breaking the rules or doing something illegal,” Dr. Rick responded with a raised eyebrow.
Riley never understood people who could dramatically raise just one eyebrow. When he did it, he looked like someone having a stroke or seizure.
“Client confidentiality, doc,” Riley winks and teases back. “My weight is up five pounds. I’m not thrilled with the numbers, but I know I’m on the right track.”
“This number is really important to you. Tell me about it.”
“The bigger the number, the bigger I become. I will slowly start inching my way back to my larger self. The self that nobody wanted.”
“What do you mean?”
Riley wasn’t sure he wanted to open up this much to Dr. Rick, but there was something about him today, maybe it was the lack of tie and his casual demeanor that Riley found comforting. But here he is, opening the lid of his heart and pouring it all out on the table.
“When I realized I was gay in high school, I was in love with a straight guy. He was one of my best friends.”
“Colin, right?” Dr. Rick confirmed.
“Yeah. But I couldn’t have him so I ate through my feelings and started gaining weight. Then, when I tried meeting gay guys to hang out with, no one was interested because of my weight. Everyone on social media, with thousands of likes, had six-pack abs and were thin with a v-cut. I was fat. I was the funny fat kid.”
Dr. Rick uncrosses his hands and crossed his legs. He was writing something in his portfolio.
“Go on, Riley.”
“Well, after being in New York for about six months, I had a big break and landed a role on Broadway. I was heading to the theater for rehearsals one morning and the subway was crowded. A woman wearing a black suit squeezed into our subway car and, obviously, I rolled my eyes at her because there was literally no room. She said, ‘if you weren’t so big, we would all fit,’ and then scoffed at me. I was so embarrassed being called out like that.”
“That’s terrible. Nobody should be body-shaming anyone, and for her to make that kind of accusation was more about her, not you.”
“Well, that’s when I stopped eating. I thought if I could lose weight, I might be able to find someone who would love me. I also thought I would be offered better roles on Broadway. I had to be careful because my contract stated I needed to maintain my current weight to portray my character and for costumes. I also wasn’t allowed to cut or dye my hair.”
Riley rolled his eyes.
“So, you let a stranger on the subway dictate how you live your life?”
“It wasn’t just her. It was everyone. I internalized what I thought others were thinking because I was feeling bad about myself. I just assumed others were thinking and feeling it too.”
“And what did you lose from having a lack of control over your eating?”
Riley thinks about his time on tour with Wicked. The costumes and dance steps. The thrill of the crowd’s anticipation and excitement. It’s all gone. He broke his contract with Wicked when he lost too much weight. He was supposed to be a teenage heartthrob, not a skeleton.
He also thinks about Colin. The night they spent together. The feel of Colin’s body pressed against his. The way Colin felt inside him and every quiver of his body when he came. Falling asleep in the wet spot and being the little spoon. He even had the best night’s sleep he had in years.
Riley doesn’t share this with Dr. Rick.
“Too much, and that’s why this has to stop here.”
Riley was tired of being self-destructive.
“This is the most you have shared in our sessions. Another breakthrough,” Dr. Rick offers Riley a grin.
“You’re right. What have you done to me?”
Riley smiles while opening his eyes as wide as possible as if in shock.
