Page 54 of Sunflower Persona
“Let’s say I did want to see where things went. Where would I even start?”
“Women like to be spoiled, and they like to show off to their friends. You should—” Nathan starts to say, but Karis is quick to interrupt him.
“Ignore all of that.”
“What? You can’t tell me you don’t want to be spoiled from time to time,” he asks.
“As a one-off, sure. But every woman I’ve been with has cared way more about spending time together than monetary things.”
“Karis is right,” Morgan says. “What women really want is to form deep, emotional connections. You need to be vulnerable with her and show her the parts of you no one else sees. Opening up to James is what drew us together.”
“That’s stupid.” Nathan waves him off. “What you need to do is shower her in gifts and take her on dates she can brag about.”
“Fuck, you date shallow women,” Karis says.
“And what do you recommend, then?”
“That you should be yourself, spend time with them doing things you both enjoy, and let things play out naturally.”
Both Morgan and Nathan scoff.
“Fine. Ignore me, then. What does the gay woman know about women anyway.” She shakes her head and turns her attention back to my car.
“The first thing you have to do is apologize for being an ass today,” Nathan says.
“That’s assuming I decide to pursue her.”
“No, you should apologize regardless.”
“It’s probably better if she hates me.”
He throws his hands up with a huff and grabs another beer from the case. “Man, I love you, but you are a lost fucking cause. But you need to get over yourself, or you’re going to keep hurting her.”
“What do you propose I do, then?”
“Make up your goddamn mind, for one. Figure out what you want and stick to it.”
“I want to live in a world where I can be worthy of a woman like her.”
“You live in this world. So either find your worth, or you let her go.”
He’s right. I need to let her go.
I finish off my drink and grab another as dread pools in my gut. The feeling doesn’t dissipate as the topic drifts away from relationships or my other problems, or as dusk replaces the daylight. Even once Karis gets the engine to turn over, that black hole remains. Morgan dips out as soon as his girl texts him to summon him home, and Nathan leaves not long after.
When it’s only the two of us left, Karis cleans up her tools and lets herself back inside my apartment. She won’t leave me alone again after my spiral; she knows how easily the gloom cancreep back in once it’s gotten a foothold. I give her a few minutes to make herself at home and clean the grease and oil from her hands before I follow her inside. She’s parked on my couch when I do, flipping through the channels on my TV like she owns the place.
“You’re never going to let yourself be happy, are you?” She doesn’t even look in my direction.
“I don’t think I know how.”
She sighs and pats the cushion beside her, and I don’t have it in me to do anything but follow her unspoken command.
“You are going to regret this,” she says as I drop beside her.
“I think I already do.”
She gives me a sad, knowing nod and switches the topic. “I ordered takeout. Watch the door while I shower.”
