Page 107 of Sunflower Persona
“And?” he prompts.
“And it’s over. She wants nothing to do with me.”
He runs a hand through his hair with a grimace and lets out a very un-Morgan-like curse. “That sucks. I’m sorry.”
“She was right to turn me away. Fuck. I don’t even know why I’m here. I’ll get out of your hair.”
“Sit down,” Morgan says with an exasperated sigh, “and tell me what happened.”
The words lodge themselves in my throat in a thick mass. I swallow against it as I sit on the couch with my back stiff. My friend follows suit and gives me the time I need to get my thoughts straight. It wasn’t too long ago our situations were reversed and he was the one nursing a broken heart.
James reappears with a cup of water and places it on the coffee table in front of me. She gives my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze before kissing the crown of her boyfriend’s head and disappearing down the hallway with a flimsy excuse about needing to work on something in her studio.
Damn these thin walls. I’m sure the rest of the group will know that I’m here and that it’s really over before I leave, but that’s easier than me having to do this all again.
“I went to apologize for being an idiot and beg for her to take me back. She heard me out, but in the end, it wasn’t enough. She said that she loves me, but she can’t love me enough for the both of us. That she can’t be with me knowing I will likely spiral and hurt her all over again in the future.”
He hums in acknowledgment and nods with rapt attention, but he doesn’t say anything else.
So I continue.
“And I get it. Because as much as I love her too, I can’t promise her that it won’t happen. I’m not good enough for her, I never will be, and that is never going to change.”
“Do you want sympathy or honesty?” he asks after contemplating for a moment.
“Honesty.” I didn’t come here to be coddled.
“Being good enough for her was never the problem. Only she can judge that, and it was crappy of you to make that assertion for her. But that is another issue altogether. The real problem is you aren’t good enough for you. That is always going to be the dark cloud over any relationship you are in. And unless you figure out how to be enough for yourself, you are always going to end up back here. Kori was smart to recognize that.”
“How do I become good enough for myself?”
“Only you can figure that out. Only you can say what will make you finally see yourself as someone worthy. But if you do make the choice to figure it out, it has to be for you and you alone. Trying to change yourself to earn someone’s love is toxic, for you and them.”
“I have no intentions of pursuing Kori any further. That chapter is closed.”
“Good. What does the next one look like, then?”
That is the question. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about what happens next. I’ve been too fixated on the past. My conversation with Kori’s dad returns to the forefront of my mind.
“I’d like to get my GED,” I tell him.
The idea has been rattling around in my head since we talked in his office. I was going to talk to her about it when we got back to my place yesterday, but…
Yeah, that didn’t happen.
“That’s good.” He sits up straighter and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “You know we will help you study as much as you need. And after that?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t think the college thing is for me. Maybe a trade. Something where the pay is steady, and I don’t have to stress about paying my bills.”
“Okay. That’s something we can work with. Let me grab my computer, and we can start getting a game plan together.”
“Seriously?”
“Of course.” The dumbfounded look on his face says I couldn’t be a bigger idiot if I tried. “I know the circumstances are different, but you are welcome to crash on my couch as long as you need to.”
“I think I’ll pass on that one, but I appreciate the offer.”
Morgan claps me on the shoulder before going to get the device, and despite my initial refusal, I do end up on his couch for the night. We spend far too many hours poring over my options and building out the pros and cons list of each. James rejoins us after a while and gives her own opinions on the matter. By the time I’ve made a decision, it’s too late to ask either of them to drive me home.
