Page 108 of Sunflower Persona
I’m going to be an electrician.
It will take years for me to get fully certified, but it’s the first real goal I’ve had since my MMA dreams died. All I’ve done for the past decade is survive, but now it’s time for a new dream.It might not be as glamorous as a world-famous fighter, but it’s better than the rotting state of stagnation I’ve been in for the past decade. Too much of my life has passed by without me living it. I’ve been asleep at the wheel, and it’s time for me to wake the fuck up.
***
Karis’s bike sits outside my apartment like an ill omen as Morgan pulls up to the curb to drop me off. I’m so fucking dead. My phone died sometime yesterday, and I didn’t feel the need to charge it. Kori isn’t trying to reach me, so why did it matter? But I didn’t take into account my best friend wanting to check up on me, especially with how she found me the other night. Fuck. I’m the worst goddamned friend who’s ever existed.
“You are so screwed,” my friend says with a snort of laughter. “Good luck.”
I flip him off as I climb the steps to the ass-chewing that awaits me inside. The light is on when I walk in, and Karis sits waiting for me on my sofa with her back facing me. She doesn’t turn as the door falls shut with a resoundingclick, and for the first time in years, I feel like a kid coming home to face my ma’s wrath.
“Hey, Kare. Want a beer?”
“It’s eight o’clock in the fucking morning. Why would I want a beer?”
“I don’t know. I always offer you guys beer when you show up here. I wasn’t aware there was a time frame on when it was and wasn’t considered polite.”
“Oh, fuck off, you know damn well you are trying to deflect. Where the fuck were you last night? You’re home earlier than I expected, and you don’t smell like a distillery, so I doubt you spent the night drinking your sorrows away.” She stands andwhirls around in her anger. Her haggard expression sends my stomach spiraling to the floor.
Every ounce of worry is etched on her face. Her eyes are swollen and red, with dark circles hanging underneath, but that doesn’t stop her from crossing her arms and pinning me with a cutting stare. The attitude is all posturing. I’ve known her long enough to tell when she’s trying to mask how vulnerable she feels.
“I was at Morgan’s,” I say in a rasping whisper as my guilt eats me alive.
Her face scrunches and she takes a steadying breath. “What happened? Nathan said he was taking you to talk to Kori, and then you went dark.”
“I’m sorry. Fuck. Things didn’t go the way I hoped. We’re done—for good—and I needed some time to process it all.”
“You could have at least checked in. I-I thought we lost you.” Her voice cracks on the admission. “Fuck, Gage, for two nights in a row, I’ve been terrified that I was going to get a call that you were dead.”
Tears pool in her eyes, and she wipes them away with angry swipes. With a few large strides, I’m across the room, and I wrap her in a tight hug.
“I’m here, Kare. I’m not going anywhere. I’m okay, I promise.”
She collapses into my chest as a sob shakes her tiny frame.
“I was so fucking scared,” she chokes out.
“I know,” I tell her and guide us back to the couch.
All I can do is hold her and whisper reassurances while she gets it all out. Living with the gloom means I live with a constant bombardment of intrusive thoughts sprinkled with fleeting suicidal ideation. Only once have I ever been low enough to give in to it. It’s easy to forget that once is all it takes to scar someone for life, and no matter how much she argues, Karis is scarred. I still struggle with believing my existence is worth hertears and worry, but I won’t ever put her through that again. The gloom can do what it wants to me—nothing will be as agonizing as watching my best friend fall apart because of my actions.
I didn’t realize how deep the wound went. Goddamnit, it never even occurred to me that Kare might be riddled with anxiety, waiting for something to push me past my breaking point again. Fucking offing myself never even crossed my mind in the past forty-eight hours. My heart is in a million jagged pieces, but I’m not about to end my life over a woman—even if she was perfect.
“I promised you never again. I meant that shit,” I tell her once her sobs slow to soft sniffles.
“You’re a fucking asshole,” she says as she squirms out of my hold to sit beside me on the sofa.
“I know. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Well, don’t do it again.”
“I don’t plan to. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”
“Maybe you will think before you go AWOL,” she says with a half-hearted slap to my chest.
“I’m sorry. I got so caught up doing research with Morgan that I lost track of time. By the time we finished, my phone was dead, and we were all exhausted, so I crashed on his couch.”
“Research? For what?” Curiosity pushes away the last remnants of her vulnerability.
