Page 20 of First Impressions
Thankfully, Mr. Bennet stepped in and suggested, “Gentlemen, why don’t we move into the study for some scotch? I’d like to discuss how we announce the merger to the rest of the firm and then our most important clients at the Charity Ball.”
The men vacated the room, leaving the Bennet women at the table in silence. Beth felt all the strength leave her body in one breath as she watched Darcy walk out. Before her mother regained her thoughts enough to interrogate Beth about what had just happened, Beth stood and said that she and Jane were going to head home. Knowing Beth needed to get out of there, and not wanting to leave her alone, Jane emphatically agreed that she was really tired and wanted to go.
“Are you still coming shopping with us tomorrow?” Lydia asked the oldest sisters as they said their goodbyes.
“Uhh… sure. Where should we meet you?” Beth asked, not wanting to deal with the questions had she refused.
“Well we were thinking of going to Saks for noon and then to Bergdorfs from there if we need more choices.”
“Ok, we will see you there,” Jane quickly responded as Beth rushed her out of the house.
Jane put her arm around Beth the whole ride home in comfort as she saw her sister’s silent tears flow abundantly down her cheeks. Jane knew there was nothing she could say, nothing Beth would want her to say, to make her feel better so she let her cry. She gently supported Beth until they made it inside their apartment, helped her change, removed most of her make-up, and finally tucked her into bed. Jane heard her sister’s sobs through the wall for a half an hour before Beth had finally cried herself to sleep.
Chapter Fifteen
When Beth wokeup the next morning it was almost nine o’clock and she still felt like she had been hit by a truck. She looked down to see scars of last night’s mascara on her pillow. Pulling the sheets over her head, she turned her face into her pillow and groaned.
Don’t stay in bed and wallow. You’re better than that.
Throwing the covers off her head, she decided what she needed was a good long run. Throwing on her running leggings, sports bra, and lightweight tank, she walked out of her room determined to sweat Mr. Darcy out of her system. Realizing that she should probably let Jane know where she was going, she turned around and, hearing that the shower was running, knocked on the bathroom door.
“Jane! I’m going for a run. I’ll be back. I have my phone.”
“Ok! Wait, Beth, we have to be at Saks at noon! Don’t forget!”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be back.”
She grabbed her water bottle and iPod and headed out the door. Thankfully, at least the weather gods had taken pity on her. Even though the sun was shining, it was still slightly cool out, probably in the high sixties - the perfect temperature for running. She headed down Warren Street towards Broadway, hooking a right towards Battery Park. Every fall of her Brooks sneakers on the sidewalk slowly released the stress that had built up inside her.
The first thing that she accepted was that what happened last night was not her mom’s fault. There’s no way she could have known the struggle of power and desire that had been going on between her and Darcy. Hell, Beth hardly knew what was going on between them and she was a principal player. She was still irritated how her mother had offered her up, portraying her as an unwanted wallflower, but her mom would have asked that exact same question to any man sitting in Darcy’s seat. As much as Irene valued her social status, shewas sometimes quite incognizant of how tactless and presumptuously unpolished her comments were. And then there was the fact that she was her mother and would have to put up with her for the rest of her life, which would be exponentially more difficult if Beth didn’t forgive her.
She reached Battery Park and decided to turn right and loop up by the Jewish Heritage Museum first. Coming to terms with her exasperation with her mother, her thoughts drifted to the crux of her emotional turmoil: Mr. William Darcy.
Her first mistake was getting her hopes up after what Jane had told her; again, something she blamed herself for. Sheknewhim and she should haveknownbetter. She should have gone to her parent’s last night with her original plan in mind - to meet Darcy with apathetic indifference, submitting to their physical attraction but leaving him to initiate any emotional connection.
This is what happens when you let your feelings become too attached.
Instead, the moment he had touched her, all her inhibitions had melted away, leaving her bare and vulnerable. Instead of forcing him to make the next move she had put herself out there, she had reached for him, reached for answers, for a deeper connection; she reached and he recoiled, crushing her hope and her heart again. By allowing her hope for something more to grasp onto Jane’s words as she spoke of his admiration for her, Beth had completely let her guard down, leaving her defenseless for his attack of callous neglect.
At first, she had clung to him, excited that maybe this meant he was remorseful or embarrassed for his previous actions and leaving without explanation; that his desire for her was a gateway to verbal expression of his regret for how he treated her. That ridiculous hope was efficiently extinguished when all he was apparently trying to express was his desire that she leave him alone. The icing on the cake had been when he drove the message home at dinner, claiming that he didn’t make mistakes; he was too smart and careful for that. So, leading her on, hurting her, and ignoring her, must all be on purpose.
She kept thinking of him as though he were acting like a child. She wanted to tell him that this wasn’t first grade; you aren’t supposed to be mean to the person that you have a crush on. Except, that was ridiculous of her too because he was a grown, capable, successful man; he probably didn’t act like a child even when he was one.
Maybe, he didn’t know how to handle his attraction for her, so he was trying to push her away? Now she knew she was going crazy when her reasoning sounded like it was coming from the ever-optimistic Jane.Stop hoping.
As she exited the park back onto Broadway, she recognized that without taking his subsequent admissions into account, she could surmise all day as to why he had treated her the way he had. Her only concrete explanation for his actions, or lack thereof, came from his statement later in the meal of his character flaws; once you lost Darcy’s good opinion, it was impossible to regain it. Somehow between their kitchen encounter and dinner last night, she must have lost his respect, and therefore, lost his attraction. It was the only logical conclusion she could accept. Sure, she could put her hopes in explanations that Jane would be proud of, hopes that he was just so overcome, so enthralled with her that it scared him to the point where he completely recoiled from any contact with her; but that train of thought only left her vulnerable to being hurt, and she’d hurt enough over him.
Her music stopped, jarring her from her thoughts, as her phone began to ring with a call from Jane.
“Hello?”
“Beth, where are you? Are you ok? It’s eleven-thirty, we need to leave to head up to Saks now to meet mom.”
“I’m fine. Sorry, I didn’t even notice the time. I’m almost half-way there so I’m just going to run and meet you, is that ok?”
“Yes, of course. I just didn’t hear from you and it’s been over an hour. I was just starting to worry.”
“Yeah, sorry. Just running thoughts out of my head. I’ll see you soon. Can’t wait to see mom’s face when she sees I’m in gym clothes!” She heard Jane chuckle as she hung up her phone and her music, and thoughts, restarted.
