Page 18 of First Impressions
“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Even though it was said softly, the vehemence was unmistakable.
Her hand that was holding him fell to her side, as her mouth parted on a painful gasp of air. She felt tears welling in her eyes, but she wouldn’t cry here, not in front of him; she wouldn’t let him win. The regret and anguish in his eyes matched her own. Running his hands roughly through his hair, he looked back at her almost to say something else but then turned around and stalked down the hall toward the dining room.
Beth leaned back against the wall. Her throat felt swollen with the tears she was holding back as she struggled to regain her calm. She couldn’t do this right now. She needed to get through this dinner and get home. Blinking away the remnants of her tears, she walked up to the closed study door and put her ear against the wood. At this point, she didn’t really care about what was going on, she just wanted to interrupt the conversation and get this night over with.
“John, you’re a bastard for doing this to me. Of all the low, fucking back-handed —”
“Bill, please, I didn’t do this to you, you know that. I had to do what was best for the firm.”
“What’s best for the firm is keeping it in the goddamn family! It was supposed to be mine, John, and you knew that. I can’t believe you didn’t discuss this with me, your only senior partner; you just dump the decision on me once it’s already been made like I’m a fucking nobody who hasn’t been around for ten years.”
“Keeping it in the family isn’t more important than keeping it alive and successful and I know you want that. You’ll keep your position, Bill; it’s in the contract. I’m sorry I had to make the decision this way, but I knew what your response would be. I’m sorry if you think I’ve betrayed you, but it’s my firm and I have to do what I think is best for it.”
“I just can’t believe you sold out to Bingley over family. I’m concerned where your loyalties really lie, John.”
With the sound of resignation in his voice, Beth took that moment to quietly knock on the door, open it and peer inside.
“Dad? Hello, Mr. Collins. I just wanted to let you know that everyone is here and at the table waiting for you both.” Mr. Collins looked at her with a mixture of anger and betrayal still lurking in his eyes.
“Thank you, Beth. We will follow you in now.”
She turned around and exited the room, followed by a dispirited Mr. Collins and her father. Entering the ornate, formal dining room - with its Swarovski chandelier and deep mahogany table, Beth saw that her mother had gone all out for tonight’s dinner; the Waterford crystal glasses, the heirloomsilver flatware, and her mother’s Wedgwood china had all been precisely arranged. The catering service had come with 2 waiters who stood in formal attire at either ends of the table ready to refill guests’ glasses with either more water or wine. Beth noticed all of that detail in the second that it took her gaze to find and lock with Darcy’s.
At their entrance, everyone at the table stood to greet the new arrivals. Mr. Bennet began by greeting Charles and Mr. Darcy, shaking their hands and apologizing for keeping them waiting. He subsequently introduced a very bitter Mr. Collins, whose civility was clearly a stretch for him at this point in time. With a mood rivaling that of Mr. Darcy, he barely greeted Mrs. Bennet and the remainder of her siblings before taking his seat between Mary on his left and Mr. Bennet on his right, at the head of the table.
While those introductions were being made, Beth quickly said hello and gave hugs to her younger sisters and her mom, whose excitement for the evening was palpable. Keeping her eyes anywhere else, she made her way to the other side of the table where she saw her chair in between Jane and Mrs. Bennet, who occupied the opposing head of the table. With a quick, knowing glance to Jane, she moved past her to say ‘hello’ to Charles who greeted her warmly with a hug. As he let go, her heart picked up its beat, knowing that only Mr. Darcy was left.
She moved past Charles and slowly lifted her eyes to his. There was no spark, no flash of desire perceptible in his stare, no remnant of the hunger, anguish, or anger left in his eyes; the calm mask that resided over his perfectly-formed face unbroken as he looked over her with the cool air of indifference, like nothing had ever happened.
How was she going to survive this dinner?
“Mr. Darcy.” She tried to match his coldness and then, with a mind of its own, her right hand shot out looking for a handshake, hoping some physical contact would bring back the Darcy she had just experienced; the one before the Darcy who just wanted to be left alone.
“Miss Bennet,” was his unaffected response. He glanced down at her hand and with a slight nod of his head,subsequently turned around to address Mr. Bennet who was about to be seated on his right.
Beth felt all of the air leave her as her body started to burn. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the type of burn she usually experienced around Mr. Darcy, except for that first night; this was the heat of embarrassment intensified by the shock of public rejection.
It wasn’t bad enough that he said he wanted her to leave him alone; now, he couldn’t even be civil to her in public view of her family, of all people.
She stared down at her hand in a trance as it began to move back to her side in slow motion. Shaken from her reverie by a light touch on her back, she quickly turned around to see Jane coming to her rescue. Everyone had begun to take their seats and would have left Beth standing dumbstruck if Jane hadn’t proceeded to guide her back to her chair.
“Are you ok?” she whispered as they sat down.
“Of course.” She plastered a smile on her face.
Of course, she was fine; she was always fine. This is why she didn’t bother with men. Getting her hopes up meant allowing distractions, allowing pain into her life and she didn’t have time for that.
That was it. With a resolve, not insubstantially fueled by the shock of both of Darcy’s rejections and her subsequent overwhelming hatred for the man, she put on her own mask and joined cheerfully in Kat and Lydia’s conversation across from her, determined to separate herself from the sad version who just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.
As long as she didn’t look at him, she was completely fine. She made it through the soup and salad with exemplary fortitude; even her mother, who’s internal radar for drama could pick up on tension a mile away had no clue that her daughter was so affected by Mr. Darcy.
The two ends of the table seemed to converse among themselves, Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bennet involved in general business-world discussions with begrudging, and borderline insolent, input from Mr. Collins. Thankfully, he seemed a combination of too impressed and too afraid of Mr. Darcy’s status to say anything completely reprehensible.
Beth, her mother, and two youngest sisters chatted about the Charity Ball coming up, the young girls excited to go shopping for something new to wear. Jane and Charles had been in their own little world since they sat down, talking and laughing conspiratorially with each other. Lastly, Mary who sat in the middle listened in on each separate conversation in turn.
When the meal arrived, Mr. Bennet stood to make a toast to Charles and the impending merger.
“Charles, may you take Longbourne to new heights of success as this merger brings our families closer together.”
