Page 57 of First Impressions
It was ironic that a letter that made the past instantly so clear had in the same breath made her future so hazy.
She replayed the moments immediately after she had finished Darcy’s letter over and over again in her head: the shock, the clarity that had come with his revelations. When she had begun reading, her heart had dropped into her stomach at the tone at the beginning of the letter; he started off with his proud confidence ready to bombard her with a self-righteous defense for his actions. As he continued, that controlled façade crumbled; even just writing to her, his instinctive guard came down as his tone turned remorseful and defeated. She hadn’t expected a warm, mushy confession of love or an anguished set of excuses followed by pleading words of love - that just wasn’t Darcy, and if it was, she probably wouldn’t love him like she did. She also hadn’t expected any reiteration of his feelings toward her or any discussion of the intimacies that they had shared; those things he would only say in person. She knew that what he had written to her was a huge step for him; such a simple thing - to explain your actions - which she knew how little he’d had to do up to this point in his life, and yet, that he humbled himself to write this to her, especially after her harsh refusal, made her heart clench. The William Darcy that she had met at the Gala would have never deigned to explain himself to someone who so blatantly rejected him. His letter wasn’t everything, she knew that, but knowing the magnitude of what it must have taken him to write it made her want to cry out of love for him.
What he had confessed about his involvement with Charles and Jane hadn’t been that much of a surprise, she hadknown it was him, and Jane had known that his intervention would only have occurred with the noblest intentions at heart. What was a shock was his uncharacteristic humility in admitting that he had made a mistake, something he had made clear that he actively tried to prevent.
His revelations about Wickham surprised her in that she wasn’t surprised by them at all. Sure, he had been funny and charming and almost made you feel comfortable around him, but she always got the feeling that it wasn’t real; that nothing he said or did was real, unless it was beneficial to him. She had known he wasn’t really attracted to her; she could sense that every time he flirted with her, like he was trying too hard. He had used her family to get close to Darcy and he had used her to irritate and provoke Darcy. Beth couldn’t believe she had been fooled by George to the point where she had stood up for him; she was usually so much better at reading people. Then again, for the past month, her heart and her brain had been in a frenzy over Darcy, most of the time angry with him and prejudiced to believe the worst. It was no wonder George had slipped under her radar.
Finally, he had explained himself to her and again, when she thought about it, hardly any of it had come as a surprise. Deep down she knew why he had acted the way he did - even Char and Jane had been able to decipher his feelings. What broke her was that he finally opened up to her about how he felt, so she didn’t have to imagine it any more. It wasn’t sonnets and songs, effusing and declaring his undying love like you see in the movies. No, it was an emotionally traumatized man who had broken through his own walls and allowed himself to be vulnerable by telling her, no matter how briefly, how much she had affected him and how much she meant to him; he had given up control to her.And it broke her.
Instead of accepting his feelings when he first attempted to convey them, she had shoved them in his face telling him that he was a liar to say that he loved her. She had been so focused on breaking down his pride that she had been blinded to her own. To accuse him of treating someone he “loves” so poorly and then at the first instance of himsubmitting to his feelings to her, she completely disregarded them for her pride, reinforcing why he tried to cage his emotions for so long - because it only led to hurt. It was no wonder he wanted to forget that conversation ever occurred; she had broken his heart.
She traded love for the pride and control that she had hung her hat on for so long, and now it didn’t seem like very much. She had cried the rest of the day. When Jane came home Beth let her read the letter; she deserved to know not just because of what happened with Charles but what was happening with her and Darcy and she was too emotional to tell her outright.
Jane hugged her sister and calmly told her that she knew what had happened between Charles and Darcy because Charles had called her earlier. He called her and apologized; Jane said he was practically in tears for abandoning her with no explanation. He knew that his friend was very concerned for his future happiness and felt that he had to take him seriously, even though he couldn’t believe that her feelings for him had been faked. He said that he didn’t know how she could ever forgive him for not trusting her but that he truly wanted to spend the rest of his life making it up to her. Of course, Jane responded in the only way that Jane could. She simply forgave him, knowing that he had only done what he felt was right and that she couldn’t hold it against him. She knew how the situation looked and she admitted that she was partially to blame for not being as open with him as she should have. The rest of the conversation seemed like it had been a battle between who loves who more, with both of them ending happily in love by the end of the call and Charles saying that he would be back in the city the following day.
Through the dullness that had invaded her heart, Beth felt a spark of happiness and relief for her sister. At least she wouldn’t have the weight of destroying both their futures on her shoulders. She knew what she said to Darcy had prompted him not only to admit he was wrong to her, but also to Charles. When Charles returned the following day, she overheard him tell Jane that Darcy had showed up in Boston the day before to bring him back to New York City - to bring him back to her.Charles asked her not to hold Darcy’s actions against him; he was loyal to a fault and had truly feared for his friend’s happiness. That was all she managed to learn about Darcy’s whereabouts though and she was too much of a coward to try to contact him now; he wanted to forget about her and his feelings for her and she didn’t blame him. It was the least she could do now to respect that wish.
Without any prompting, Jane had decided it would be best to try to keep Beth’s emotional state from their family as long as possible, especially from their mom. She did, however, convey select information about George Wickham. She tried to impress on Mrs. Bennet that it wasn’t appropriate for Lydia to hang out with him on her own without any supervision; she even added in that Charles had some concerns about the quality of his character, hoping that in an effort to please Charles, her mother would take her warning to heart. Unfortunately, her mom was too preoccupied with Charles’ return to pay much attention to what her other daughters were doing, which was concerning when it came to how reckless Lydia and Kat could be. For Beth though, now that Charles’ pursuit of Jane was back on track and with renewed vigor, their mom was blissfully ignorant of her suffering. The business arrangement reopened, John Bennet was busy transitioning the ownership of the corporation and was too distracted to pay much attention to any of his daughters at the moment.
Char had stopped by in the middle of the week to hang out. Beth knew Jane had probably called her to come over to try and cheer her up, which she did for a few minutes. Char said that things were going really well with Bill and she shared some great awkward stories about their first official date. Beth had smiled and enjoyed her friend’s tales, but she felt like it wasn’t even her responding; she felt like she was a ghost, watching herself interact with her friend but that it wasn’t real. That person who laughed at her friend’s story was hollow, her heart and her emotions were lost and drifting because it was too painful to acknowledge them. Char could sense it, but there was nothing that she or Jane could do. Beth needed time to process and recover from what had happened and all theycould try was to make her forget her pain every once in a while and remember that she was still capable of laughter.
She was turning into a shell of her former self - her family and friends could see it and even Phil had noticed in the office. She was pretty sure that this “work trip” along the Hudson was just an excuse to get her out of the office and distracted from everything on her mind; she’d also bet that Jane had had a hand in suggesting it to Phil. Either way, she was grateful to have so many people who cared about her.
Last time I checked, a change of scenery doesn’t fix a broken heart.
She tried to ignore the voice in her head as they neared their first destination, the blur of the trees slowing and transforming into the stone wall that led to the gate-less entrance of the Lyndhurst estate. They pulled into the visitor parking lot as Phil went over the game plan for the day.
“So, we’re here a little early. I think we should do the tour of the house and then the event coordinator is meeting us to go over where events can be held, fees, accommodations and all that.”
Seeing that Beth had no intention of responding with more than a slight nod, he walked into the Visitor’s Center and purchased them two tickets to the ten-thirty tour which was just about to start.
Beth walked along, listening to the tour guide drone on about the history of the fourteen thousand square foot mansion, last owned by Jay Gould. She looked at the Tiffany windows and Tiffany lamps, the portraits of Washington and the Marquis de Lafayette, and her shell feigned interest until the tour was over. When they met the events coordinator, Beth pulled out a small notepad from her purse jotting down details of the venue - how many guests it could accommodate, local vendors, local hotels, etc. Her mind drifted to what it must have been like to live here, in one of these grand estates. She was struggling to stay focused and when the conversation turned to weddings Beth turned and walked back towards the house, pretending to take some notes on the grounds immediately surrounding the mansion; she couldn’t think about a wedding right now.
“Beth? You in there?” She was jarred from her thoughts as Phil put his hand on her shoulder. “I’ve been calling you. I hope you got everything we need because we have to be to Kykuit in five so we should go.”
“Yeah, sorry. I was just taking some notes on the grounds,” she stuttered as she looked down at her notebook to see that she had scribbled ‘Mrs. Darcy’ underneath everything she had written about the house. Her face flushed and she quickly flipped the cover shut before Phil saw anything.
You’re such an idiot, Beth.
She scolded herself as they got back in his Q7 and drove down the road to the visitor center for Kykuit to pick up their special guest passes to be able to drive themselves onto the property; most other visitors were only allowed access by purchasing a tour and taking the shuttle.
As they drove onto the massive almost four-thousand-acre estate, Beth couldn’t help but feel something akin to awe at the beauty of the grounds as they drove up the drive. Originally part of the Rockefeller estate, the Kykuit house had been purchased almost three decades ago by a wealthy businessman when the Rockefeller heirs decided that no one wanted to live in the house anymore after Nelson died. They all had their own houses - either elsewhere on the property or in other locations. About ten years ago, the house had been opened up to visitors as long as the owner or his guests weren’t going to be in residence, which was apparently not that often; it was only this past year that the owner had opened up the estate as a private function venue for select clients. They pulled up through the ornate gates, a large Greek-style fountain of Poseidon to their left, and the main house at the end of a Dutch elm-lined drive on their right.
Parking on the cul-de-sac at the end of the drive, they both got out of the car and looked around in astonishment at the understated grandeur of the mansion. Ivy climbing the classical facade, the landscaping was meticulously attended to. As they walked up to the front door, Beth noticed the two pieces of modern art on the front porch, probably put there by Nelson Rockefeller when he was still living here.
Phil opened the aged copper screen door and knocked. After a few moments, they heard bustling when an older gentleman opened the door to greet them.
“Hello, how may I help you?”
“Hi, I’m Phil Gardiner from the Gardiner Group. We had an appointment for a private tour this afternoon to evaluate the estate as a potential event venue to offer to our clients.”
The old man looked confused for a moment before ushering them inside and then asking them to wait a moment while he went to get the housekeeper.
Wow.It was definitely a whole other world inside the house. Beth could just imagine what it must be like to live here, the grounds, the winding drive, the priceless pieces of art scattered inside and out. Phil and she both seemed to be stunned by the character of the house, as they stood silently taking in architecture and decor. Paintings by Picasso, statues from ancient Chinese dynasties - the entryway was littered with priceless art, she could only imagine what the rest of the house had to offer. The most incredible part of it all was that for all of the wealth and grandeur that exuded from every aspect of the house, it still felt like home, which was an odd contrast. Especially after coming from another large, equally grandiose estate, where Beth had felt like the visitor that she was; here though, she could see herself being able to live and call home - there was just something about it that tugged at her heart.
“Hello, sorry to keep you waiting,” came a kind, elderly female voice from the hall.
Oh God, no. No no no no.
