Page 56 of First Impressions
“Ahh, well he actually didn’t. He didn’t tell me anything, except that you needed to get this letter, but I’m also not blind. He looked like he hadn’t slept well, like something was definitely on his mind. I swear though if he didn’t make it sound as if it was a matter of life and death, I would have told him too bad,” Anne explained.
“Is he ok?” she knew Darcy hadn’t told Anne anything but she couldn’t stop herself from asking. She needed to know if there was any hope.
“Well, like I said, he really didn’t look good but I didn’t get to talk to him very long because I had to leave in order to get this to you and make it to lunch on time. I don’t know what happened but I’ve only ever seen him this affected by someone once before, but that was a long time ago and I don’t really know what happened or who it was.”
Interesting.Beth couldn’t care less about the past now though. All she could think about was what he thought of her now and that from what Anne had just said, it seemed like he was just as affected by their fallout as she was. She felt the tiniest warmth spread throughout her.Hope.
“Well, I hope whatever he wrote clears the air. I have to head out though before my mom calls and wonders where I am. Just call me if you need anything.”
Beth leaned in and hugged her. “Thank you.”
Anne hugged her back and then headed for the elevator as Beth went back inside her apartment. She ran to the couch and opened the envelope, pulled out several sheets of folded paper, her hands shaking as she unfolded them and began to read the letter she knew would change her life.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Beth,
Thank you for accepting this letter from Anne. Don’t worry, I’m not going to reiterate or dwell on the feelings or the offer of marriage that I expressed to you in our last conversation. I’m sure both of us would rather forget that painful and humbling experience. If it weren’t for your dismal assessment of my character, I would have left you in peace as you asked.
You accused me of not being open and truthful with you about two separate situations, and the truth is that you are right.
I was the one who convinced Charles to go back to Boston. I told him that there was a family emergency and that his father needed him home right away; he was naturally very concerned and upset so I told him that I would call your father to put the deal on hold and that I would text Jane for him. After we arrived in Boston, I told Charles that his family was fine but that I needed to talk to him without work or, more importantly, personal distractions. He was very confused and upset that I had lied to him to get him out of the city for which I apologized but I knew that he would be too preoccupied in the city to assure me that he was thinking clearly and I knew that nothing short of a family emergency would pull him from your sister’s side.
I told him that I have nothing against your sister but things had moved so quickly between them that I was concerned that my friend was being taken advantage of. Weeks ago, at dinner at your parent’s house, I overheard Bill Collins assert that it was because of Jane that Charles was lured into this business deal that wasn’t going to be beneficial for him. I brushed it off at first, but at time passed, I saw how quickly things between them progressed, from dating to your mom insinuating that they would be getting married soon. I freely admit that I should have paid closer attention, but at that moment my protective instincts kicked in and I wascertain that Charles was being taken advantage of; that your sister was only ‘attracted’ to him for your family’s sake so that the business deal would go through. I know now that I was mistaken. I explained all this to him as a poor justification for why I resorted to such drastic measures. Of course, he insisted that I was wrong about Jane and, being a better man than I, put aside his anger to empathize with his overly prejudiced and protective friend. It was I that then suggested that he stay in Boston for the rest of the week, out of contact with Jane, to put his feelings to the test, to be sure that he was in love with her. If that is the case, he would be able to share the news with his family personally and return confident that what he felt was true.
However, after seeing you and talking to you, your reaction to their separation confirmed that I had done my friend a disservice and as you read this, I am on my way to remedy that fact. As for your sister, I have nothing to offer except my sincerest apologies for the pain that my misbeliefs have caused her.
The next issue that you have confronted me with is my relationship with George Wickham. While I’m sure he has given you his side of our history, I will provide you with mine, along with the assurance that if you ask any third party who was involved that they will validate my version of our past.
I’m sure that some of what he told you is not that far from the truth. Growing up, he was very close with my family after his father passed away. We were like brothers and my father did consider him as part of our family. However, as we got older, George began to effuse an air of self-entitlement especially at school and around our friends and new acquaintances. I may be too proud and have a number of other things you would consider character flaws, but the way George expected things, people, and situations to be handed to him irritated me. It’s true that he and my father were close, enjoying the more leisurely aspects of life. My father and I had some issues that drove a wedge between us for most of my youth, one of the many consequences of which were that he tried to punish me with his relationship with George. Heused George, just as George used him; in some ways, they were cut from the same cloth. However, as George’s depravities grew, so did my father’s inability to effectively reprimand him to the point where George felt he could get away with anything. At that point I found it easier to just stay away.
George was smart; he was accepted to Harvard and not just because of his family ties. However, his carefree attitude only was exacerbated while at college. He was supposed to graduate and come work for the company; my father and I had both agreed. Then, during his junior year, he got a classmate pregnant. The girl asked that he would help support the child and he blatantly refused, saying that it wasn’t his. At first, I believed him because the girl said she strangely couldn’t remember much from that night. However, she could describe certain physical characteristics of the father that made it clear it was George, even though he kept insisting directly to me that he did not do it. Finally, I confronted some of his friends who were at the party that night while George was home on spring break. I told them if they didn’t tell me the truth, I would have them expelled and blacklisted for any job they ever tried to get; naturally, one of them confessed to having given George a roofie to use on the girl who had previously turned him down. As you can imagine, I was livid, not just at what he had done, but how he had lied to me about it.
When I got home that night, I walked in on him flirting very suggestively with my younger sister, Georgiana. Since she was so much younger than us - still in high school at the time - she had always had a crush on George and had never really looked at him as just a brother. I grabbed him and dragged him outside the house where I confronted him about drugging the girl. Completely unfazed that he had been caught in a blatant lie, he went on to say that she had wanted it and he couldn’t be held responsible. I informed him very clearly that he was a fool if he thought he could get away without being responsible for the child; my father may have overlooked a lot when it came to George’s indiscretions but he would never allow something like that to happen. When Ibrought up having to explain this to my father, the blood drained from his face for a moment. Then, he looked me in the eye and said that he was sure that even if “our father” disowned him, that “lovely Georgiana” was more than willing to elope to Europe with him, and with that statement he had me. I had seen how Georgiana looked at him; if I had told her to stay away from him she would have rebelled against me if for no other reason than she was a teenager, let alone the thought of herself in love with George.
I told him that I would take responsibility for the girl and not tell my father, but in return he would finish his studies abroad and leave Georgiana alone. He agreed. I contacted the girl and told her that I would help her financially support the child and that summer George left for Europe where he stayed until a few months ago. He kept in contact with my father until he died, and since then I’ve ignored all his attempts to contact me, and monitored all of the numbers that contact my sister. We never discussed him working for the business after that night; as much as my father loved George, he knew that George wasn’t capable of running the business nor would he be a good representative of the company. Regardless of his feelings for George, the business always took precedent over anyone and anything.
I’ve continued to give him the allowance that my father had set up, hoping that would satisfy him enough to keep him away; however, it looks like that is no longer enough. I’ve been informed that he has several large, outstanding debts that caused him to return home. I’ve offered to pay those debts and modestly increase his allowance; however, he seems to have his heart set on the job he was ‘promised.’ When I told him that I would never hire him, the day of the Charity Ball, he left threatening that he would make sure to get what he was promised.
His threat left me on edge. It’s why I sent men to watch my sister and her apartment; it’s also why I adamantly tried to talk to you when I got to the Ball; however, when that was clearly not going to be an option, I insisted that Anne go. She is friends with Georgiana but also knows what George did and agreed that you and your sisters should be forewarned.When he approached you at the end of the night, all I saw was him taking advantage of you to get what he wanted out of me and I couldn’t control myself.
I know that I’ve given you no reason to trust my word up to this point but I swear to you that this is the real George Wickham and if you are still in contact with him or your family or sisters are, I urge you and them to proceed with extreme caution.
In those two situations, I have some reasoning for why I’ve done what I’ve done; however I have no such reasons for how I’ve treated you. You are unlike anyone that I have ever met; you see past the exterior, the money, the power, the position. You see me and you have challenged that part of me that I’ve locked away deep down inside, to be better. I haven’t let anyone in in a long time. Certain situations in my past have conditioned me to assume that it wasn’t worth the pain and disappointment; that when people look at me, all they are interested in is what I can do for them. However, that wasn’t you and yet I treated you like you were no better than the rest of them which makes it even worse. In fact, most times before, in my past, I just wouldn’t bother to get involved, but with you I couldn’t stop myself and then I punished you for my lack of control.
I’m sure you are wondering why I couldn’t just tell you all this on Sunday. Your response threw me off guard. Even though I know you are different than anyone I’ve ever met, I somehow expected you to react the same as many others would - to be thrilled at my proposal. You shocked me with your refusal and then compounded that with the questions and accusations for my actions which I hadn’t given a thought to needing to justify, especially with what happened with Charles.
I now know that I made a mistake in my judgment of that situation, which was proved to me by him this past week and that I’ve been making amends for. I wasn’t prepared for your confrontation and confirmation of what I now know to be the truth. In my mind, that situation is in the process of being resolved and when you brought it up, brought up my mistake again to my face, I wasn’t prepared and I wasashamed that you knew that it had been because of me; that your sister’s suffering had been because of me. Your refusal and the guilt that I felt was something that I hadn’t been prepared to handle; no one has refused me anything before.
I meant everything that I said to you. You challenge me in so many ways, one of them being that I don’t always have to be the one in control. I’ve been that person for a long time; so long that I’m not sure how to not be him. For most of my life it was only what I thought and my decisions that mattered. When you told me that you needed answers, I brushed it off because I needed to be in control; I wanted your response to me and the thought of needing to explain myself threw me off guard. To me, the answers you wanted were inconsequential. But they weren’t to you and I pushed you away because of it.
I wanted to marry you because you challenge me to be a better man, and at every instance for me to be that man, I closed you off and made you feel like you had done something wrong. I can’t undo how I have treated you and you were justified in your refusal of me. You deserve much better; and more than that, you deserve the answers to your questions which is why I’ve written you this letter. I hope that what I’ve told you has cleared your mind of all the uncertainties that I left you with and has in some way altered your perception of me for the better. Be well.
William Darcy
Chapter Thirty-Six
Beth watchedthe scenery fly by the window in a daze, a daze that she had been in since Monday when she read Darcy’s letter. It was now Friday and she was sitting in the passenger seat of Phil’s car as he drove them up to Tarrytown, New York, to assess some of the old-money mansions on the Hudson as potential event locations for several clients.
