Page 23 of First Impressions
“I think I’m just going to wear one that I have, but everyone else got something. There’s that black mermaid one that I haven’t worn in a while, so I was just thinking of wearing that instead of spending money on a new one.”
“Well, I think you should have bought a new one for Charles’ sake. You don’t want him to think that you aren’t stylish by wearing old dresses,” their mother huffed.
“Mom, I just don’t see the need to spend money on a dress that I will only wear a handful of times. I think Charles would agree with me,” Jane said placatingly.
It wasn’t that Jane couldn’t afford it because she made a good salary, but she was nothing if not practical when it came to spending money. Beth had no doubt that her sister’s lack of materialistic tendencies was definitely something that had stood out to Charles; Jane wasn’t pretentious or fake, a rare thing in the world.
Chapter Sixteen
The week seemedto be moving in a blur. Every morning, Beth woke up, ignoring her dreams about Mr. Darcy, went for a run, and made it to the office by nine. She decided she had provided Mrs. DeBourgh with enough information to satisfy her for now and that continuing to work this week at the firm would only be torture for her, with little further results. Her mind cooperatively stayed focused on her tasks and she felt herself getting back into her normal groove of life. By Thursday, she could even hear his name without some sort of emotional rush - be it desire or anger, or both, occurring. Her hopes rising, she really thought she was out of the woods of her initial infatuation with Darcy; the butterflies had even started to dwindle when she thought about seeing him at the Ball on Saturday. She’d been working later in the evenings, not just to keep her mind busy, but to get away from the drama and distractions. Her office had become safe space - free from Darcy, Charles, her family, the whole mess.
She really was happy for Jane, who grew more in love with Charles each day; she just hated the sadness, the ache, that came over her when she heard Jane talk about their happy, blooming relationship. She wasn’t jealous, but it made her feel the acute loneliness that accompanied her life. The worst part was that Jane thought she was making Beth feel better by telling her how well things were going, that Beth would be distracted by her happiness for her; the old Beth would have been. The old Beth was blissfully ignorant of what her life lacked, of what could be possible. The new Beth had learned the hard way where her deficiencies were.
When she stayed at work, she wasn’t reminded of how she’d briefly tasted such an incredible passion and desire, and the fact that its potential was left unexplored. At work, she had an excuse for not staying on the phone to chat with her mom about the Ball, or Charles and Jane, or Lydia and George. At work, she could focus to her goals, on herself; she just wished that those goals were as attractive as they used to be.
It was almost seven on Thursday night and Beth had just finished eating the Chinese food she’d had delivered to her office, about to head home for the night when her computer notified her that she had an email waiting.It was seven pm, whoever it was could wait until the morning.She closed her computer and packed up her stuff to leave. As she grabbed her phone off her desk, she saw the same email notification pop-up on the screen; it was from Mrs. DeBourgh.Great.With a deep sigh, Beth dropped her laptop case and purse onto her desk chair and unlocked her phone, deciding she would read it there so that it didn’t plague her all night.
Miss Bennet,
Being that we were a late addition to the party, I would like to make sure our seating arrangements are set accordingly. We will need to sit with my daughter’s date, who is also a guest of the event, Mr. William Darcy. I appreciate your prompt and effective attention to this matter.
Mrs. DeBourgh
It was as if all the oxygen had been sucked from the room the moment she opened the email. She couldn’t breathe; she couldn’t think.
Daughter. Date. Darcy.
She felt like her heart was being squeezed to the point of bursting, every muscle tense and tingling, losing blood flow and oxygen.
Pull it together.
Breaking from her trance-like shock, she gulped in air trying to replenish her body. She didn’t know precisely how long she had been holding her breath, but it was definitely too long. Feeling like her legs were about to give out, she pushed her purse off her chair and collapsed onto it. Setting her phone face-down on her desk, she hugged her arms around herself and stared out the window across the room. Too hurt to move, she tried focus on breathing as the warm army of tears marched silently down her cheeks.
Letting the brief memories of their encounters flood her mind, she remembered like it was yesterday the feeling of being in his arms; it felt like it was where she belonged. She remembered the unquenchable passion that had explodedbetween them; both of them, the epitomes of reserved ambition, losing all control over another person. She knew she would never experience something like that again.
She didn’t want to think. She thought there had been something between them. She thought he was no longer with Anne. She thought he liked and admired her. Then, she thought he didn’t care and she thought she’d gotten over it.Everything she’d thought had been wrong.She couldn’t trust him, that was for sure, but what was even worse was that she felt like she couldn’t trust herself. She couldn’t trust her feelings or her mind to lead her in the right direction. She was irreparably lost.
This is what happens when you skip having a relationship with someone. You don’t know how to handle the challenges, the disappointments, the hurt. It breaks you.
Maybe if she had done something different, made it a point to confront him about what had happened, she could have found a moment to speak with him, or even just asked Charles for his phone number or email. Maybe if she had made more of an attempt to figure out what was actually happening between them, she wouldn’t be here. As much as she wanted to hate him for deciding to bring Anne to her family’s event, and as much as she was sure she would be angry on Saturday, right now she knew that she only had herself to blame for her predicament.
There she had been lecturing Jane to make sure she opened up to Charles if she really liked him, to make sure that he didn’t think that the affection was one-sided, when she’d been incapable of following her own advice. Regardless of Mr. Darcy’s mixed signals, she shouldn’t have taken a back seat in their ‘relationship’; she’d never taken the back seat on anything prior in her life, why was she starting now?
The questions, the self-doubt, the hurt became too much as Beth let out one sob after another, each wracking the pain from her body; it was a catharsis of every emotion she had kept inside about Darcy, released in a torrent of tears that washed away the ache.
Her hands and shirt were drenched from tears; the enormity of the emotions that ravaged her body had taken itstoll as she balled up her sweater and laid her head down on her desk. Her tears began to slow to a trickle as her body began to shut down from the taxing emotional exertion. Her thoughts became incoherent and disordered as she struggled to find some sanity. Finally, her mind succumbed to the exhaustion of her body and she fell asleep, curled in her chair at her desk.
“Beth?”Knock. Knock. “Beth? Are you in there?”
Vaguely aware that her name was being called, and that she was extremely uncomfortable, Beth slowly opened her eyes, blinking a few times as she took in her surroundings.
Her door opened and Phil popped his head inside. “Beth, are you ok?”
“Yeah,” she replied groggily, as the memories of last night started to come back to her.
“Ok. Jane just called wondering if you were here. She said you didn’t come home last night and she was worried,” he responded with a look of concern, not believing her when she said she was ok.
Shit.
