Page 64 of Confession
“I did manage to kill him eventually, but she died anyway. It was just as well maybe. She was an addict, not really there, you know?”
There’s a lot packed into that, but I don’t think Quinn’s ready to unpack it. But there is something I have to know.
“So who took care of you? After.”
I feel him shrug. “I went into the system.”
No one, then. Just Quinn, adrift and traumatized. No family. No stability.
He’s had a lifetime of locking himself down, shutting things out. Shuttingpeopleout.
That’s how I’ve felt since he closed off from me yesterday. Shut out. But that’s not what was actually happening.
I just watched those videos of him and Alesso, and I saw a different Quinn. A colder one. I saw him talking and fake smilingwhile his eyes were completely empty. There was no submission, no fear, no need. There was no truth.
Thatwas Quinn shutting people out.
What he did with me was different.
I lift myself up onto one elbow so I can see him. I let my hand rest on his side.
“Why did you panic?” I ask. “Yesterday. What changed?”
He takes a deep breath. I make myself be patient. I make myself wait until he’s ready.
It’s hard for me. As soon as I understood that I wanted him, I wanted all of him, instantly. That isn’t fair.
“Everything changed,” he says, not really telling me anything.
“The way we had sex?” I prompt, trying to be careful. He’s so tough that I haven’t been careful enough.
“That and … I started to—” He breaks off. “Fuck.” He covers his face with one hand.
“You started to what?” I ask when he doesn’t go on.
He’s silent for a long time, but I think he’s trying, so I wait.
“Want things,” he finally says. “Things I’d worked really hard to not let myself want.”
“But you’re right to want those things.”
“No, it’s dumb.”
“Iwant those things. Is that dumb?”
“No.”
“I want those things with you.”
He turns onto his back, looking at me, finally. But he’s looking at me to say, “You could do so much better than me.”
“No, I couldn’t.”
“Don’t be—”
I grab his face when he tries to turn away. “I couldn’t do better in a million fucking years. You are everything I could ever, ever want. I fuckinglove you.”
Tears pool in his eyes. “Don’t, Vitali.”
