Page 57 of Defiant
He’s startled by my question and gives me a slow shrug. “I’ve never heard of anyone—”
I stomp towards my phone and scoop it back up off the leather seat, unlocking it and Googling. The signal’s slower than a snail in the basement and I walk toward the window on the far side of the rec room, seeking a signal as I ask, “Can you even search this shit online?”
“Elena, it’s your wolf—”
“I don’t want her!”
“She’s part of you.”
“No! She showed up one time and then disappeared. She ruined everything. How the fuck can I be a nurse now? Huh? How the fuck can I even be around you after what’s happened? After I’ve ruined everything!” I shake my head; there’s so much noise inside of it that it feels like the marching band from my high school is warming up, a cacophony of disjointed and painful sounds.
“Why aren’t you screaming at me, Jonah? Why aren’t you mad?” The sounds inside of me go suddenly silent, nervous anticipation taking their place. Because if Jonah feels like I do, he should want to get rid of my wolf too. He shouldn’t want her here. I always kind of assumed he wanted more between us but I was too scared to give it. After seeing my parents, I never wanted to be tied to someone else. Frienefits was all I wanted.
But now that I’ve lost him, I suddenly want everything I always scoffed at and never wished for—everything I’ll never get the chance to have.
Jonah’s not perfect. He’s a terrible singer and sometimes dumb shit rolls off his tongue far too easily. But he’s also kind. And good with his hands. And willing to eat my cooking when I go to his place for a make-fun-of-this-movie night. And he listens.
Fuck.
“I…” Jonah trails off but that kicked-puppy expression is back on his face.
“You should hate me.Ihate me. You’re my best damned friend. My—” I choke up and can’t get out words but I bring my fist over my heart. Another round of hot tears well up in my eyes but I refuse to let them spill.
“I am?”
“Of course, stupid.” A broken laugh slips out of my mouth and contorts into an ugly sob.
It’s not fair. Screw the moon goddess. Jonah’s right to be skeptical. Why the hell would she let something like this happen? I was happy with my life. Yeah, I wanted my wolf but I didn’t think it would be this life-alteringly awful. Regular alphas and betas go on with their lives all the time—Jonah’s aunt being the exception. I don’t want to be the damned exception, I want to be the rule.
“Jonah, I don’t want to be an omega. God, that sounds fucking whiny. But it’s the truth.”
A sympathetic look comes into Jonah’s eyes, the same kind Dad used to get whenever he introduced me to pack members. There was always this moment when their eyes would light up almost like they’d said out loud, “Oh, that’s why you stay. You have a kid.” Then this holier-than-thou expression would come over them like they were better than us or grateful they were better than us. I turn away, pissed all of a sudden. I hate those looks. Those looks are for victims.
“Why the hell would the daughter of one of the only female alphas in our pack be afuckingomega?”
“I don’t know.” Jonah’s reply is tranquil and steady, the opposite of everything I feel.
How can he be so calm? Unless he’s not ripped up inside too. Unless I misread that look from him earlier and was way too arrogant in my assumption about what I meant to him. That thought steamrolls me, pressing painfully down on my insides.
I glance down at my phone, which is still uselessly loading, needing something to do. Part of me wants to throw it, but that would just be a literal tantrum. Instead, I study it, and its smooth, sleek design. I drag my tongue over my teeth and feel morning fuzz. “I need a toothbrush.” Suddenly, I can’t handle how dirty I feel on the outside, possibly because I feel utterly filthy within. “I’ll be right back.”
I leave Jonah standing silent and stunned in the rec room as I walk back into a bedroom that reeks of sex, the woodsmoke edge to Black’s scent filling the room like it’s a cigar lounge. I cover my nose, trying to stifle the memories that automatically rise with that smell. I’ll probably forever associate woodsmoke and caramel with amazing cunnilingus, whether I want to or not.
I can’t even look at the bed as I make my way to the bathroom and find the toothbrush and toothpaste that Matthew brought down for me.
I also quickly get ready for the day and dress in clothes from the hospitality basket. They’re still Black’s, but they don’t smell much like him, more like a neutral detergent. That’s better. I feel more like myself, the self I know, not the one who’s lived through the night as the lowest-ranked wolf in any pack. I don’t feel as much like a girl whose best friend just stood there while she told him what he meant to her.
I stare into the mirror and my reflection is a falsehood. It doesn’t show the haggard, stripped, broken way I feel. The girl in the mirror has fresh cheeks, not bags sunken under her eyes. She doesn’t look hollow even though she’s empty inside. After I brush out my hair, she doesn’t even look wild. She looks tame with her bare pink lips and no eye makeup. Young. She doesn’t look sullied by shame or shaped by despair.
Black’s mirror is broken.
I blow out a breath when I walk back into the rec room. I’m a little surprised to find Jonah drinking a beer and sitting at the bar, but Black’s house is a fucked up place and I’m not surprised he needs one. Especially today.
I cautiously make my way over to him and the short marble countertop, dragging my bare feet along the carpet as I study him and the stiff set of his shoulders. When he hears me coming, he turns in his seat.
“Elena.” His eyes travel to the stairs and then back to me. When they settle on my face, I can feel him drink me in like a plant swallowing sunshine. “I suck at shit. But you know I’ve always wanted more, right? Like a lot more. I just never wanted to push—”
I run toward him, everything that was shattered inside of me clumsily taped back together by those words.He feels the same.I reach for Jonah, but he stands, keeping the barstool between us. His face cracks and his eyes drift toward the floor like they always do when he knows he’s going to disappoint me. “We can’t. Black will smell it.”
