Page 77 of Maverick
“Yes. I admire you because you’ve always known who you were.” You never let mom and dad push you into anything that you didn’t want to do. All I’ve ever known how to do is follow the steps that they gave me. Which sometimes feels stupid. Limited. I’m really good at this choreographed dance that somebody else gave me. You were always out there making your own steps.”
“Are you kidding me? I’ve always felt like an imposter next to you. Somebody who can only do half of what you do.”
She shakes her head. “That’s not true at all. You can do everything I do plus more. You’re a great rider. You can do dressage and Western. You do all kinds of things. Also, oh my God, when you pierced your nose… I thought mom and dad were going to die. But I also thought it was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve never been brave enough to do things I knew they wouldn’t like.”
“It’s not bravery. It’s impulsivity. I just don’t think before I do things.”
She looks down at her hands. “All I do is think. And every time I think that maybe I’ll do something brave I get scared that mom and dad are going to reject me. And then I don’t do it. I just keep doing the thing they want me to do.”
“Please tell me this isn’t about your engagement.”
She falters. “I don’t think it is. But then… They’ve always been very excited about me dating Philip.”
“Do you love Philip?”
“I’m…” She shakes her head. “Don’t pay attention to me. I’m in a weird space. But I just wanted you to know that you’ve always been an inspiration to me. It’s crazy to me that you don’t know that.”
I don’t know that. I don’t know it because I’ve been so bogged down in my own feelings about what my parents thought of me that I assumed my sister thought the same things. I had my perspective on her perfection, and I assumed that she thought she was more perfect than me too.
“So what happened?”
“I fell in love with a widower who doesn’t want to love again, and who pushed me away in an extremely brutal fashion. It also gave me a horse.”
“Sounds complicated.”
“It’s complicated.”
This is the closest we’ve come to a heart-to-heart since we were kids. Which makes me sad. She’s not the reason we were distant. I’m not really the reason either. Our parents made us feel weird about each other, and when I blew it all up, I think she felt obligated to them, and I felt sorry for myself.
But we have each other.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this whole Maverick thing. From his losses and the pain he’s been through, it’s that when you have people who love you, you have to hold onto them.I’m lucky. I have a whole family, dysfunctional though we may be. And maybe I need boundaries with my parents.
But I don’t need those same boundaries with Harmony.
“Well, can I see your horse?”
I don’t know why this place, my family, seems suddenly different to me. Maybe it’s this simple moment of vulnerability with my sister, where we both admit we don’t have it all together. But at least this seems a little bit lighter. For the first time, I feel like maybe my sister is on my team. And that feels kind of magical to me.
In the middle of a whole lot of things that don’t feel magical at all.
But I take Frank out, and Harmony and I take turns riding him, and she is as in love with him as I am by the end of it.
“Mom and Dad drove to San Francisco for a play,” she says. “Do you want to go to their place and watch a movie on the big screen? They’re gone for the night.”
I could go home, but I could always stay. And the idea of staying with Harmony, of not being alone, doesn’t feel bad.
Which is how we end up watching Two Weeks Notice, and eating popcorn with M&Ms.
“The last time I watched this was with him,” I say.
“Well, why did you choose it? Do you want to feel sad?”
“Maybe,” I say. “Maybe I do want to feel sad. Because this just sucks.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” she says.
“Me too.” Right then, I feel okay not being the best. I feel okay not having it all worked out, because I feel like she and I have more in common that way than I thought. Maybe that’s part of why I always felt like I had to win. Because I thought she was always winning. Effortlessly.
