Page 17 of Crush & Byte
“Why don’t you tell us what you’re feeling, River.”Crush spoke gently.There was kindness in his gaze, giving me the courage I needed to continue this.
I took a breath.“To answer your question, I feel small in a good way.”I smiled, unsure if they could actually see my expression in the darkness.The moon peeked out from a wisp of cloud, giving us a little light, but I found not being able to see them both clearly might help me get this out.“Like all my problems are too tiny to matter in all that vast, open sky.But also like I’m too tiny to matter.And I’m OK with that.I am who I am and I really like myself.But I can’t…” My voice broke.As big of high as I’d been riding all day, the crash was going to be equally big.“I know I’m overthinking this, but your grandmother told me when faced with a difficult situation it’s always best to --”
“Manage expectations.”We all spoke the mantra in unison.Then we were all silent.
“OK, then.I can see this is advice she doled out often.”I tried to laugh but it came out more than a little strained.
Byte stood and held out his hand to me.“Come inside, honey.We’ll light a fire, sit at the table, and lay it all out.”
“Nothing happens tonight, River.”Crush spoke softly and stayed seated.He was the larger of the two and could be the most intimidating.“We’re just going to talk.No matter what.”
I nodded, the relief bigger than I thought it would be.“I guess I hadn’t realized how much this had been hanging over me.Mainly because I’m not really sure whatthisis.”
“We’ll figure it out together, River.”Crush stood slowly and stepped away from me to open the sliding door.
Looking down at Byte’s hand, I knew my life was about to change.I also knew, for better or worse, I was committed to seeing where this led.
I reached out and slid my hand into his.Byte grinned down at me, like he was proud.I felt that small praise right down to my very soul.The adrenaline and caffeine high I’d been crashing from mere seconds ago got a lift with that look.I was terrified of what was about to happen.I was also rushing straight to it with no regrets.
God help me.
Chapter Seven
River
The fire crackled in the hearth, sending shadows dancing across the cabin walls as I sat on the edge of my seat at the table where we’d gotten drinks and gathered for this discussion.The table was square, so I sat across from Crush with Byte on my right.I felt the weight of my stupid, runaway emotions pressing down on me.I needed to say this, to set boundaries before whatever was happening between us went any further.And at this point, I honestly had no idea what that was.My heart hammered against my ribs as I gathered my courage.
Crush leaned back in his chair, his face half hidden in shadow, while Byte slouched over the table with his forearms resting on the smooth surface.His intense gaze fixed on me like a predator might focus on his prey.The contrast between them was striking -- one all coiled tension, the other open curiosity -- yet they moved through the world as a single unit.It was easy to see how they depended on each other, and I respected that.If I had a sister, I’d want to be as close as Byte and Crush were.
“We’re listening, honey,” Byte said, his voice gentle in a way that made my chest ache.He wasn’t amused now.Byte was as serious as I’d seen him thus far.Crush nodded his encouragement at me when I looked at him.They seemed to have infinite patience and I felt more than a little self-conscious.If I had read the situation completely wrong, I was fixing to make a fool out of myself.
I shifted in my seat, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear for what felt like the hundredth time.My fingers trembled slightly so I laced them together tightly in front of me and cleared my throat.“First of all, if I’m being an ass and thinking more of myself than I should, stop me before I humiliate myself further.OK?”I tried to chuckle at my own expense, but it came out nervous and unsure at best.
Byte gave me a gentle smile.“You’re not going to humiliate yourself.I think we were both giving out some strong signals.”
“Just say what you need to, River.”The gentleness in Crush’s voice was the tipping point for me.“We’re not here to judge you in any way.Byte’s right.We were both comin’ on pretty strong.The last thing either of us want is to make you uncomfortable.Always, River, the most important thing for us is for you to understand you’re completely safe with us.Body and mind.”
The relief washing through me at his words nearly made me ill.Had I been standing I’d have fallen on my ass.For some reason tears threatened, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut to hold them back.One or two might have slipped from my eyes but I’d never admit it.Not over something like this.Two men.In what world could someone like me hold the attention of two highly intelligent, sexy men who could have any woman they wanted?So, while I’d cleared one hurdle -- at least they weren’t going to make fun of me for even thinking I could catch the attention of, not one, but both of them -- there were other, more important reasons.
Finally, I drew my courage together.“The last couple of days have been the best of my life.And I don’t say that lightly.Honestly, I never realized how much I was missing someone permanent in my life until this trip.It’s too easy to imagine myself with you guys, enjoying every fucking thing you show me, every fucking day for the rest of my life, but that’s not going to happen.”The more I spoke, the more words seemed to tumble out.“I’m having the most amazing time.This adventure, this place” -- I gestured around the cabin --”it’s like something out of a dream.But I don’t want either of you to think…” The words stuck in my throat.I swallowed hard and tried again.
“I’m not looking for a relationship.With either of you.I mean, you’re both…” I felt heat rush to my cheeks as I took another breath.I was so nervous I broke out into a sweat which made me fidget even more.“You’re both incredible, and under different circumstances, maybe I’d see if I clicked with one of you, but I can’t.I can see now that’s what Mrs.Wagner wants to accomplish, though she never indicated which of you she wanted me with.But it can’t be me.”
Byte tilted his head slightly.“Why not?”The intensity in his gaze was unnerving.If this was what it was like to have Byte’s complete focus, I wasn’t certain I could keep from baring my soul to him.Which made it easier to give in to the temptation to just… unload.Maybe this was what I needed.To unpack all my shit right here.One thing was for sure: The next time I saw Maggie, I was going to have to make a decision about whether to give her a piece of my mind for putting me in this situation to begin with, or hug her, sob like a little baby, and thank her for the best experience of my life.And I knew, without a doubt, there was more to come in this adventure if I was brave enough to take it.
Such a simple question, yet it cracked something open inside me.I looked up, first at Byte with his quiet intensity, then at Crush, whose stillness somehow felt more charged than movement.“Because I know how this story ends,” I said, my voice steadier now.“I show up, have a wonderful time, and then leave.That’s what I do.That’s what I’ve always done.”Half the story, but I had to start somewhere.Maybe I hoped I could leave it there, that they would accept I’d eventually wander out of their lives.Whatever it was, I really wanted to make this about me, to sound selfish so they’d lose interest.
“Who says that’s how it has to end?”Byte pressed, his voice soft but persistent.
I let out a short, humorless laugh.“History.Experience.Reality.”I ran a hand through my hair, disrupting the strands I’d just tucked away.“Look, I know my place in the world.I’m just one tiny speck in this vast universe, and that’s okay.I honestly like that I live under the radar most of the time.It’s peaceful and I have no one to worry about but myself.”The fire popped loudly, sending a shower of sparks up the chimney.I watched them rise and disappear, feeling oddly kinetic in that moment, ready to rise and vanish just as quickly.
“But here’s the thing,” I continued, my voice dropping lower.“As much as I’m okay with being small in the grand scheme of things, when I find someone I want to share my life with, I want to come first.I want to be the person someone chooses above everything else.I may never find that in my life, but I’m not going to settle for less.”I risked a glance at them again.Byte looked thoughtful, almost calculating, while Crush remained stone-faced, though I noticed the muscle in his jaw flex as he clenched it.
“And it can’t be either of you,” I said, my voice cracking slightly on the words.“Fulfilling my expectations would mean one of you putting me above his brother, which would change your relationship together, and I’m not going to be the person to change the dynamic between the two of you.”
The silence that followed felt heavy.I could almost see the invisible thread of communication passing between them, that silent language they shared that excluded everyone else.
“You’re a special woman, River.”Byte’s words were spoken almost reverently.“No one said you’d come between us.”
