Page 62 of Actions and Reactions
“It’s not your fault,” I whisper.
“It wasn’t anyone’s fault,” Dad insists.
“This time it was my fault.” I continue speaking low, scared of finally saying out loud what I’ve come to realize.
“What do you mean?” he demands, sounding confused.
“Some things have happened in the past few months. We... we were together,” I blurt out, and then I can’t stop. “Since we went to the cabin, we’ve been together, and I don’t know if he’s told his parents already so you can’t say anything, but Mom knows. I had to tell her, because what if that’s what pushed Si over the edge? Being with me and, you know, being closer to hockey through me? I didn’t see the signs, Dad. I was trying so hard not to scare him away like last time that I just let a lot of things slide. He was acting so strange one day and then completely fine the next. He was short with me when I told Gab about us, and then this last time he was just so, so angry at me for being late to practice after I saw the pictures of Wolf online.” I take a huge breath when I can finally shut up, and after about three seconds of silence, I twist around in my seat to look at Dad.
He’s frowning. Not angry exactly, but... hurt? Why is he hurt?
Oh God, is it because it’s the first time I’ve ever said anything about dating a man? I asked before about us being like him and Mom, but?—
“Did you get a psychology degree I somehow forgot about?”
“What?” I reel back until my back hits the door, and I realize we’re home when Dad shifts the SUV into park.
“How the fuck were you supposed to know what those strange things meant otherwise?” He’s shouting now... and yes, there’s some anger there. “He did a few weird things and you were understandably hesitant to push him, but Silas has always been a little weird, just like Paul. He’s been suffering from that damn accident for years, and it’s not your fault everything bubbled up to the surfacenow. I know you can’t control it, but goddamn it, Ivan!” He slaps the armrest between us. “You need to stop feeling guilty over things you couldn’t have changed, couldn’t have noticed, couldn’t have prevented. You need to let it all go like you let go of a bad game.”
I stare down at his heaving chest because I can’t face him. I know, at least I think I do, that he’s seeing the logical side of things, but being logical has never helped me when it comes to Silas, not once.
“I don’t know if I can,” I whisper.
“Well then,” he muses, sounding out of breath still, but less angry now. “At least you know this isn’t like what your mother and I have.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because your mother is annoying. She can tease me to no end, and makes me laugh like few people can, but she doesn’t make me blind to logic.”
I’m stunned for a full ten seconds and then I have to burst out laughing. Dad always finds the silver lining, even if it’s a twisted one.
I open the door and walk to the trunk to get my bag and suitcase. Dad’s already there, and we each take one.
“So you don’t mind?” I can’t stop myself from asking, and I realize I need to clarify when his face screws up in confusion. “About me and Silas being... together?” That’s the safest way to phrase it, I think.
“Of course I don’t!Pfft,” he scoffs. “I knew you were in love with each other when you were five, and that never changed, not even a few months back at the cabin.”
“E-each other?” I stutter. “You think he loves me too?”
“Well,obviously,” he cries out. “Do you think he would’ve taken a job for any hockey team other than yours?” I frown and look away to the front yard of my childhood home. “He wouldn’t have! He’s been avoiding hockey left and right all these years, but given the chance to be close to you and that didn’t seem important anymore. Why don’t you think about that instead of this imaginary guilt?”
He leaves me standing there, thinking his words over, and I have no clue if he’s right, but I don’t think it would hurt to think things over again with a different lens. Maybe that way I can enjoy these days with him and Lex.
“You knowI’m always glad to spend time with you two,” Dad says out of the blue during dinner. “But there’s something besides Silas I wanted to talk to you about.”
He looks at me, then very pointedly at Lex.
“What is it?” I put down my fork and knife, paella forgotten.
Dad’s eyes on the other hand stay right on his plate.
“I’m seeing someone.”
I wait for him to say something else, but he keeps eating. His hands tremble just a little, and I realize he’s actually nervous.
“Like a therapist, a girlfriend, or a ghost?” Lex asks, and I think he’s serious.
“A girlfriend, Lex.” Dad leaves theduhunsaid, but his tone is enough. Then he looks up just in time to see my brother’s shit-eating grin. “You little shit,” he mutters.
