Page 61 of Actions and Reactions
“Like best friends who aren’t really like, soulmates.”
He takes a long moment to think about it, with his head tilted to the side.
“I don’t think anyone but the two of you can know that, son. I’m pretty happy knowing someone else is loving your Mom the way she deserves. Do you think you’d be happy if that were the case with Silas?”
“No.” I don’t even have to think about it. “It’d be worse than what I’m feeling right now.”
“And what are you feeling right now?”
“How much time do you have?” I chuckle without any joy.
“I have all the time in the world for you, son. You know that.” I sigh. I do know that.
“I’m sad, Dad. I only wanted us to be together finally. I wanted to get our friendship back and build more, you know? Now it feels like that’s never going to be a possibility, because I have what he wants. How can he ever not hateme for it? I don’t even know how I ever thought this thing between us could work.”
Well, that was a lot.
“I’ve always told you how nothing that matters is ever easy, son. You know this. I can’t tell you if Silas will ever be able to let go of his dream, but I think it’s possible. I think you two could absolutely build that life you dreamed of, but you’d probably have to find some balance.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re not the only one who has to work on this. You’re not the only one who has to want it to work. Silas has to carry his weight too, you know? He has to believe he has something to get over before he can get over it, and you need to accept your part in all of the avoidance and then also realize that not everything is your fault.”
“I’m the one who drove that stupid toy into the gutter,” I mumble.
“That was an honest mistake that could’ve happened to anyone. You didn’t do anything wrong. The accident was just that, son, an accident. The ifs and buts are endlessly in your head, I’m sure, like they’re probably in Si’s head, but you can’t change the past, and you both know neither of you wanted that to happen. And one thing you always seem to skip over is the fact that you saved his life.”
I did. I mean, I didn’t even think about it. The desperation was fueling my every thought and movement back then, but then...
“Then I fucked him over even more with what I told him in that hospital room.”
“I honestly doubt that,” he protests. “He was already?—”
“That’s just it!” I interrupt. “He was already suffering so much after the news from the doctors, after his surgeries, and then I only made it worse, Dad. I told him I’d give up hockey!”
I drop the confession like a bomb and leave us both holding our breath in the silence after.
The only indication that I’ve shocked him is his open mouth, but otherwise he seems calm. I admire it so much, because I’m anything but calm, and when he clears his throat I fear what lecture he’s going to start shouting at me, but he surprises me again.
“Did you want to give up hockey?” There’s no judgement at all in his voice, not that I can tell at least.
“No,” I confess quietly. “I’m still ashamed that I even offered, honestly.”
“Well then, I’m glad you didn’t, son. I’d hate to think you’ve been working all these years on something you’re not certain you want.”
I never thought Dad would be so...okaywith the thought of me giving up hockey.
“You really wouldn’t have minded?” I feel about two feet tall as I ask.
“Of course not!” he cries out. “I was very happy when you showed so much enthusiasm for it, just like Lex, but I never wanted to push you in that direction. It’s not something anyone should do because theyhaveto.”
“You did,” I point out quietly.
“Only partly, Vin,” he sighs. “Yes, my family needed themoney, but I love hockey too. I loved playing it and being the best. The money was just a very good bonus for me. I’d like to think I would’ve found another way to help my parents, but I never even thought about it.”
“The only time I thought about it was when Si told me he would never play professionally.”
“That’s all I need to know, then. I’m sorry you felt you needed to say that back then, son.”
